Fucking Eureka, Son
LOL at Tiffany. I hope she don't mind it was appropriate. I have an interview in the morning so I promised myself this will not take more than 60 seconds to post.
I normally choke on the question or the request, Tell me about yourself.
Not tomorrow. For the 1st time since I can remember I feel I really know myself.
Yesterday, was the greatest fucking day I have had in a long time, certainly for the year. Everything just seemed to fall into place. Dooney even took a full body pic and of me and I liked it. So I cropped it and posted it. It just fit. I was not giving a fuck.
Everything was gravy until I came to my sister's, the closest place I have to a home at the moment. I seriously need a change of space.
Things seem to be going to well for me right now to allow my focus to be broken. This week I have a couple of interviews, one with Merill Lynch and the other at Lehman Brothers. Wish me luck.
Me, just not caring, originally uploaded by Dramatic. I had an f'n bitchin' day! I was swinging back and forth in the chair.
The first thing most of my friends find out about me is that I don't have many friends. Most of my friends chose me to be their friend. Whether it was because we had similar interests or I had something they wanted or admired something about me.
I have few friends because first and foremost I am a loner by nature. I grew up and have lived with the mentality that all I needed was me and my girlfriend. Which in most cases still holds true. I am realizing lately that I need people to get by. Whether it be for networking which I might have a hidden or dormant knack for or just that person that will always be there when you need that shoulder.
Friendship is on my mind today because I was betrayed by someone I considered a close friend. I mean when you let people get close and they turn their backs on you, it's a form of betrayal, isn't it? My trust is broken. Now after shedding some light on the situation, you want to apologize. Tell me I am right, you were wrong, yada, yada, yada. I mean, you tried to hurt me. You didn't do it indirectly. You tried to get at me. I have made some mistakes and I have apologized for my indiscretions. I repent. People do make mistakes. I never caused anyone injury, emotionally, physically or otherwise, purposely.
Your intention was to do me harm. You can not be sorry. You weight the pros and cons and sought to do away with me. Can I forgive you? Maybe. Will I? Not sure yet. There is little mercy in my heart for people who try to hurt people who love them. Yes, I loved you. You proved unworthy. I always told you the worse thing I could do to someone is to let them go. I don't think that after being betrayed, a trust can be regained.
I am proud that I elevated you to the level of courage you have now. I tried to teach you to choose your battles. No matter what, I wish you all the best still. I will not forget the love and the friendship that once was. Sometimes all one has are their memories.
X3: The Last Stand, originally uploaded by Dramatic. From the HD Quicktime trailer.
I so want to see this movie when it comes out. It looks as tho Jean Grey might be the Dark Pheonix. I could be wrong. I guess I will just have to wait and see.
In my previous entry Sacrifice I expressed my desire to give up some things for the season of lent. I am still doing pretty well. I did however have meat this week. Had a cheddar cheese burger the other day and I had some rice with some meat gravy today.
I will still continue to try to get by without meat for the rest of lent.
I have been doing surprisingly well depriving myself of certain things. Right now sex and food are the hardest things.
I got some good news. Over the next week or so, I have an interview at Lehman Brothers. It's an informational interview, which is basically so you and the company can get to know each other. Could lead to employment, could lead to another bread crumb on my journey through this rabbit hole I have come to call my life. You know what? I am looking forward to this. I'm preparing for that now. Hopefully the part time job comes through too.
I don't know. Someone offered me an apology today. I don't know if I should accept or not. She kinda falls in the category of someone I have been good to and then turned their back on me.
In my previous post, ehem, I might have made a mistake and if I did I am sorry. This person tried to rip me up on her page and stated that I should stop writing about my life and that no one cared. Then parroted me on her 360º page. I guess she failed to realized that I get a couple of hundred hits a week and she is one of my faithful readers, that's how she saw my post. My blog is also what she said made her want to get to know me further. I promise not to lose any sleep over it. Still got my friends and the people who love me.
2.Male/30/shorter-5'8/chubby/never sampled the dick but by the looks of him it will be corny/1kid(not mine/wants a relationship/ kinda attracted to him.
Now 1st of all I am 29, not quite 30 yet.
If only she she knew I come with references. My x and anyone else I have messed with will vouch for me.
I was curious about this person. In the beginning, there was an air of mystery about her. Like the way she introduced herself and she came at me right. Then some things were off. She totally switched up. Now she got someone else's pic on her page. I ain't never seen her. I don't want a relationship with her, too many inconsistencies.
Then she used to ask dumb shit like who am I interested in on my friends list. I don't need no stupid females harassing my people.
To all the pretty women out there getting their pics stolen by females like this, theft is the sincerest form of flattery, but you don't want to be mistaken for someone who ain't right.
To all my people on 360º who showed love and to all the lovely ladies who are waiting to be on my list there may be a couple of openings soon. Just be real with me and I will be with you. If I haven't added you there is room for you right now on my messenger buddy list.
Apparently, I am mistaken and really should be embarrassed. It is not about me after all. I am tendering my apology here. I am sorry!
A very interesting story from a friend.
Bellamafia: Visiting with Ghosts.:
When I stepped into the car I remember the catching the scent of old, of decay. You know that smell…slightly musty…sweetly metallic, like copper or rust; the very faint smell of stale smoke as if the jacket has been stuck in a closet, in garment bag for a lifetime or two. Not a bad smell exactly, but a smell that makes you a little uncomfortable, as if you are intruding…
7 Habits asks you to assume the role of a teacher rather than a student while reading the book, so that you take in the material differently. It’s kinda saying it becomes a little more important if you have to teach someone than if you are trying to learn it.
“Be proactive” is the first habit in the book. Proactivity defined is taking responsibility for our own lives. It’s about working from the inside, who you are, out.
The book offers some suggestions for application at the end of the chapters. I modified the 1st challenge and took a few days to monitor my language and the language of others around me.
I realize that even though I have the mindset that I am going to fix this and make things right and that I am rarely concerned about what others should be doing, I speak as though I am not in control. I say a lot of stuff like “I have to,” “I must,” or “I need to.” I do realize that most of this is a choice.
I look at certain people around me and they really aren’t in control. They will swear that they are. Just like me they are in situations they don’t want to be in and have no way out. The tragedy is they are putting all of their energy into complaining, instead of trying to build tools to fight their way out. I guess that’s my biggest credit, I DON’T GIVE UP!
How do I reach these people as I move back into independence?
The second involves identifying an experience in which I might behave reactively. Then to visualize myself handling it proactive.
I had an experience last night where my son’s mother wanted to show off and try to make me look bad. She went on and on about me not having any regard for other people’s property and if it was mine I would have tried to kill…
One fact that everyone knows about me, I treat everyone’s stuff as I would want them to treat mine. I only own one thing at this point, my PowerBook. She pointed that out.
I reminded her that the keyboard was that slipped out of my hand from a six inch shelf on the desk. Then she was wondering why it was I got upset. Clearly, everyone saw that since I had come from the store she was trying to antagonize me. She also wanted to involve the children about an incident that occurred about a week ago where one of the children had dropped a stuffed animal one my PowerBook, almost knocking it off my lap. I did not react then how she said I did. So I asked one of the children, including the one who had dropped this tiger on me. She said that they would always agree with me.
I don’t give them any reason to lie. In fact I rarely punish them for things they do wrong. I have always tried to teach them about positive and negative consequences. In this particular situation the consequence is trust. If they would have lied to me who else would they lie for?
I should not have yelled at her, I should have ignored her and continued what I was doing. This was a situation where she did not merit response. Maybe a simple I’m sorry would have worked.
The third and forth challenges, I haven’t gotten to yet. The third involves identifying a problem that is frustrating to me and determine whether I have direct, indirect or no control. Then to identify the 1st step in my “circle of influence that I can take to solve it.
The final challenge is a 30 day self test of proactivity.
I could be mistaken, this stuff is f’n great. After a long day, I had a much needed disconnect with a cup of Envy. Recharge, no joke!
Ok I am reading the book right and while none of what’s in the book is new to me so far all off it is making sense.
I made some decisions a long time ago about the person I want to be. I chose not to let anyone live through me. I chose not to let any one’s actions affect the way I feel, their actions are just that and they will suffer the consequences even though I have to bare those consequences with them.
The right path is the only path.
I always knew that I had the power to choose my responses to what was going on around me. I just didn’t always make the right choice. Today I am choosing to make better choices.
I want to walk the right path now. I am not religious and I may never be. So many preach it, few walk it. My road is lonely. Who will walk with me.
I have learned that I have not been as understanding to the children, who I love so much. Today, Joy laid her head in my chest and cried, she felt that I didn’t want her around. I understand now that the years of conditioning that make up who she is can’t be done overnight. I want her to learn, I want her to learn from my example, I want her to learn that everything from this point on is about her choices.
Joy, I love you. Please make the best choices you can. We are all her to help you and love you.
I had always known that love was a matter of choice. I choose to love her. The book says that love, real love is an action and love the feeling is a fruit born of that action. Joy thank you for loving me.
I wish I had come across this last month. It would have been sweet to post for Black History month. Anyway, it's nice seeing a big company like Nike doing something like this.
Today is the 1st day of Lent. In Western Christianity, it is the 40 day period between Ash Wednesday (today) and Easter, excluding Sundays. Its 46 days in total.
Lent is marked by fasting from food and “festivities.”
I have decided to give up meat, everything sexual, explicit sweets, like candy, and anything that might serve as a distraction for me.
In addition, I am giving up the “7 Deadly” and everything related to them, for 46 day. They are greed, gluttony, pride, envy, sloth, and my two favorites lust and wrath. The questing is, what are the “7 Heavenly” going to do without their twisted sisters?
I just figure if I cut these things off, I will both gain a short term productivity boost and when I reintroduce them into my life I can have them in moderation.
Got to speak to Tiffany Saturday. Called her for her birthday on Sunday night so that I would be on the phone with her at midnight. I love the sound of her voice. I am missing it right now. Tiffany always helped me put things in perspective. Since we started talking anyway. She's one of the people that makes it easier to cope.
I don't do anonymous comments. Even if you got something negative to say or you got some criticism, bring it, I can take it. Be proud of who you are and your opinions. Otherwise, keep it moving!
Follow closely. This is the only time I am going to say it.
Your words can't hurt me.
The words of my "friends" are the wind beneath my wings.
I will always sour above you, can't you see me?
I haven't time for needless things…
Draw your last breath.
I desire only what's mine.
Did you really have to say all the things you said?
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9…
OK, deep breath!
Anonymous comments, vague references…
Say what's on your mind, damn!
Stop hiding behind bullshit and fences!
I fear not your love for the bird chested man.
I the one who held you high
Held you tight and wiped your tears when you would cry.
Took in your pain and wished all who hurt you would die.
Now I'm deaded over some next guy?
You are lost, not even a memory to me.
Once again, take your last…
Don't forget to forget me
Go to hell, but first kiss my BIG BLACK ASS!.
Friends are forever, and you forgot that. I am less forgiving than her. I was there for you when you were plotting against her. I would have bodied people over you. I once loved you. I was there when you wanted to die, contemplated suicide. Bigger and better, huh. My post was in defense of a friend that was feeling hurt and neglected. What was your purpose?
If you really wanted to make a statement, you would get rid of the sn that bares my name and all the stuff I brought you to since we met. Show me you can live without what I have given you, because you reneged on what you gave me.
Back to being bigger and better… None of y'all betta! You know that, that's why you felt the need to get at me. And letting people believe they know… Shorty I wrote the book, not too hard to read. Hopeless and pathethic… I was your dream, your hope… The pic you got on your page, never forget, you were looking at me!
I wish you all the best and hope you have more happiness than you can contain. If any part of the person who loved me and shared my pain, who was part of the Trinity and the "Saga…" If that person still exists at all then you deserve to be happy.
He taketh away.
Since I'm Bored and a little upset — This week is not going well for me, despite what I accomplished yesterday — I have decided to blog just a little bit. It might turn into something bigger than I initially thought. Here goes:
To clarify… most of you know that I am reading "7 Habits." It starts with working from inside yourself and influencing others through your positive changes. Basically, if you change people will see it and and be receptive to the change.
I am not changing for anyone, only for me. I need to be better. Better mentally, physically. A better friend, a better lover, a better father, a better man.
The sphere is referring to my circle and what I can and can't control. I am neither interested in controlling nor do I feel I am capable of controlling anything outside of my son and I. So there, my sphere is limited to two and only the things directly related to those two.
This web stuff gets weird sometimes. I know not to get close to most people, but it's an inevitability that you'll get close to some people. A lot of people confide in me on here. I have had people tell me all their business and then cut me off. I know more about you than your family and the person or persons you are sleeping with.
Anyway, I asked a "friend" for a picture a little while ago. It was like I asked her to bring the Antichrist into the world, a total disconnect. She said she couldn't understand why someone who didn't know her would want a pic of her.
ummm, u can tell me your secrets and your pains and tell me about your son and your hopes and dreams but u can't understand y i want a pic?
Hell, I just wanted to add it to my address book. If I'm going to do that, it might as well be one I like. I mean she was smiling and showing all her pretty teeth. So what gives?
What makes it even funnier she is one of the biggest proponents to me getting my life together.
In my previous post, I blame “the noise” for a lot of what I am not doing or for holding me back. In fact, the noise is keeping me up right now.
…it’s hard when all the noise comes from inside…
…like this here, this is what I do to escape the noise… but it’s always there…
…you don’t want to escape it, you want to make it quiet…
Those were a few lines from a conversation I had with Janelle, just before I tried to go to sleep.
This week I went to SWP. I needed help dealing with the noise. I went on and on as I spoke to Elana. I never even scratch the surface of what made me panic last week. It’s not the noise outside, it’s what once was my theme music, my inner self. It’s like all the things I want to do, including the stuff here on 43 Things are being wispered, spoken and even shouted at me from the inside along with all the stuff I haven’t been doing, have been doing or should be doing in my own voice.
I don’t know if anyone knows where I am coming from. It’s overwhelming sometimes. Like right now, even as I write, it’s almost constant. Usually, things outside of me help me close it out for a time, but it always comes back. I don’t suppose I can give up the noise for Lent. Sometimes the noise is so loud about tomorrow, I forget what I have to do today. The quieter it is outside the louder the noise is inside.
The cries of my failures. The cheers of triumphs past. My fears howl in the night. Where, why, when? All I know is the who, it’s me. Isn’t it?
I do want to escape. I do want to silence it. How? The noise, it’s calling me to bed now.
We are what we repeatedly do.
Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.
I have been thinking about what the subject of my 300th post. Should I go with something sexual, philosophical, or I could just talk about the stupid bitches I come across. I decided to just let you guys know where I am.
I recently started reading again. I am reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I have read some of it before. I had read as far as the end of the “Private Victory.” The premise of the book, well as I take it that any positive change begins within. The three habits making up the private victory are:
…
I started to write this about two days ago. I couldn’t get my thoughts together and let it just flow. When I stop in the middle of a post and try to finish it days or even hours later it usually loses it’s original meaning. This time is no different. There are some things I wanted to share with you guys.
I have been thinking about my life a lot lately. There is nothing new here. I have been reading “7 Habits” and like the last time I started to read it, the book kind of forces you to turn an eye on yourself and think about why things really are how they are and if they are really as you see them. I have had the book for several weeks now and haven’t even made it to page 50 yet. It’s because of the noise, more on this in my next post. Anyway, I am still seeking answers. Answers to questions I am not even sure of.
Shhhhhh! I know it’s early, I can’t sleep. It’s the noise.
I have been thinking a lot about what it is I will be giving up for Lent. I am not religious. Remember the movie “40 Days 40 Nights?” Well the movie is my inspiration.
I just need a reset. A reset from everything that is distracting me. Sex, family… I may even give up instant messaging or at least limit it to a couple of hours a day. I know I am giving up fast food, i.e. McDonald’s, Wendy’s. I guess Subway isn’t so bad. I will surely miss the West Indian food. Everything I eat from them contains some sort of meat.
What else can I give up? The Lent season lasts 46 days, starting March 1 and ending the Saturday before Easter.
I want to give up as much as possible. When I resume my normal lifestyle it will be easier to do everything in moderation. What do you think?
A little while ago, I was talking to this female on 360º. I told her I had no job and she called me a loser. I was so fucking hurt. She didn't type it out, she threw up this smiley 
. That shit was so mean. If only she knew how I felt about being unemployed.
BTW, I wanted to thank all my friends who are helping me pimp my résumé. Now where is the Big "Fuck You" smiley.
Computer Love rev, originally uploaded by Dramatic.
A man has only one escape from his old self: to see a different self-in the mirror of some woman's eyes
Wanted to thank all of y'all for believing in me and loving me. This means you Mickey, Janelle, Alanna, Ebony, Tiffany, and any one else I am too lazy to mention.
Some of you are doing the Valentine's thing today, some this past weekend and some this coming weekend… be safe, have mad fun.
I wish y'all all the best. Congrats on the engagements. Yada yada yada…
These are some of the interests of a person I think very well of. It just happened to amuse me today. I might have seen it before but paid it no mind. It was just funny that I fit at least one of those categories.
♫ Aaliyah
I can be
Aaliyah
I know the quote below has nothing to do with the song I am listening to. The song just happens to be on, the quote is about what I'm feeling.
I'm out here
By myself, all alone
Ready to blow my head off!
I hurt so bad inside
I wish you could see the world through my eyes
Each day is the same
I just wanna laugh again
Interestingly enough, I have just come to the conclusion that I am extremely unhappy. I am trying to pinpoint exactly what it is to no avail.
Maybe it's because Valentine's Day is coming up. I certainly do rue being alone. Or maybe it's because I am still unemployed. I am kinda moving forward but standing still. Right now I am feeling really unmotivated and unproductive.
I started reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Hopefully I get something out of it. Oh yeah, I should publicly thank Janelle. She purchased it from my Amazon wish list, since Mr. Deon is a broke ass. Thank you!
Apparently, I have developed a severe case of it. I hope so, because the way I'm feeling isn't right. I am going to keep a journal of everything I am feeling.
Remember the ugly kid in school, the one nobody wanted to get next to. As if ugly was contagious. I met someone, about a year ago, that was so ugly she could make an onion cry. She looks like young Shaka Zulu when he was mad, but all the time. Damn y'all, she put a pain in my heart that felt like I was watching the Holocaust from the inside. I used to liken her looks to a crime against mankind.
But I'm not here to talk about this type of ugly. I want to discuss a new kind of ugly. Even greater than the ancient ugly, the one born in people's hearts. This one is so strong that you can see on the outside. The kind of ugly that cause people to kick others while they are down. The kind of ugly that makes people steal other people's pictures and post them as their own.
Recently I was conned. I was tricked into helping someone take advantage of me. It seemed as tho she was trying to buy my affection, which I actually warned her against. I don't want to get into the details of the scam she ran on me but it took her months to wear me down. Karma is the first born son of a bitch. There is a special place in hell for you.
That being said… I am considering posting her email address and her 360º page. Even tho she may be able to change them pretty quickly, at least she'll get harassed a little bit. I am still weighing it. Altho the punishment is not commensurate with the crime at the moment, I still have to look out for my own energies and try to stay on the "right path."
This added stress may be attributed to my current physical condition. It has also served to close my heart just a little bit more.
Valentine's Day is fast approaching and it just dawned on me… This will be my forth consecutive Valentine's alone. No one to share a quiet moment with. Not even someone who I know will be thinking of me in another place. Which brings me to the people who have been my friends and helped me clear away some of the cobwebs.
Tiffany, Tonya, Mickey, Janelle, Dahnaysha, Alanna, my kids and my newest friend Ebony. Y'all give me reason's to smile more often than not. From this point on you will be known as "My Rays of Sunshine." You offer me a big of hope in my otherwise hopeless existence.
Before I got into anything else, I wanted to address a comment I received on my She's got a question post. It's the first comment. I am not upset by this comment. I do talk a lot, sometimes. To directly reply, I am doing. I am just not doing on the level I feel I should be. Additionally, what's up with the anonymous or in this case "Unknown" comment. If you going to say something, reveal yourself. If you are an enemy let me know who you are, so I know who I'm smiling at when I step over you. If you're a friend, we can do the "You got my back, I got my front" deal.
Related: Anonymous Comments
There are about to be some in my life soon. I am putting all of y'all on notice (You know who I'm talking to). Especially if I have to get "Mailbox almost full" and 13 of 16 messages are from the same person. This constitutes a problem.
Everyone who knows me or has been getting to know me knows that I have been dealing in the space of "self" for a lil while now. I'm about self-improvement, self-development and self-promotion. Moving forward, not backward. Everything I have done since the first, except for getting sick, has been with the purpose of moving to that next level.
Ok, so here's the deal. I was reading this post by one of my friends on Saturday or Sunday and it kinda hit home.
Yahoo! 360° - Share My World - I got a Question:
…it's not a joke out there, and if U dont try to get your piece of the pie then U are bound to starve, and if U got kids Im pretty sure U want to keep their belly's full. Speaking for myself, Im not a 9-5 kinda person. I cannot work for, I have to work with, or for myself.[sic]
For some time I have been thinking about starting my own biz. For a few years now. I always let stuff get in my way. Her blast kinda sums that up too:
U can achieve what U want if U step out of your own way!![sic]
I have been meeting people all over the place who feel that the place and time are "here and now." I will be working with some in the short and long term. Others are yet to discover me, the others or themselves for that matter. More on me later…
Back to her… She has a site, check it out: http://www.blueavenueonline.com/. She is also trying to get this networking thing going, so holla at her via her 360º page.
I just got home from the ER about 2 hours ago. I tried to eat and stuff and tried to settle down a bit. Eating was unsuccessful. I just couldn't down the hero which was quite good. I just started feeling sicker.
My first visit to the emergency room in like 5 years was wild, to say the least. There was like one doctor per shift. One nurse mixed up all of the charts. I met a really cute med student doing intake. She was short, light-skinned, wearing blue scrubs and had a pony tail. She wiped the tears from my eyes and rubbed my cheek. She was convinced she knew me.
I only found out what I had known all along. My stress is manifesting itself as physical illness. The worst of it is my headaches and high blood pressure are back. I haven't had a problem with these since I was 8 or 10.
I have lost 5.6 lbs towards this goal. I am so proud of myself. I need to keep it up tho.
I have 4.4 to go within this mark.
As of this morning, I have lost 5.6 lbs. I am hoping to lose about 10 per month for the next 5 months to get to my goal weight of 250 lbs.
Don’t want to lose anymore than that. It just wouldn’t look right or feel right for that matter. You ladies seem to like me cuddly and all, so I will just focus on getting healthier and stronger.
Thank you for the support.
The person whose situation I thought I had brought some light to. She seems like she is going to fall into the same traps. Forget it. I guess my faith in her was misplaced.
To all the people who feel I have touched their lives or set them on the right path. I thank you. Your faith in me has helped me be a better man too.
A minor accomplishment, I know. Let’s shoot for 5 lbs more by next Friday.
Me chatting, originally uploaded by Dramatic. I'm looking at my Powerbook screen, getting some sweet messages from all of y'all.
I wanted to thank you guys today. Y'all made me smile. I was feeling down, because I was a lil' sick. Some of the comments I have been getting are like:
My life is better with you in it, I can say that even though I dont know you, but I like talking to you, and always look forward to hearing from you.
I dont think you need to lose weight either...
This is no real measure, but I can no longer wear my jeans without a belt. I might have passed this goal but I will not mark it off until my next weigh in.
This past weekend I joined the National Body Challenge. I might not be able to follow the meal plans because my eating habits are closely related to my schedule. I will take advantage of whatever else they have to offer there.
I recently learned that the best way to get by is to show my strengths when I am most helpless and to act helpless when I am at my strongest.
This time around I can’t let them know that I know or let them know that I’m doing something. It benefits me for them to think I’m lazy and that I don’t want to do anything. At least for the time being.
Achieve tranquility through movement.
Integrate spirit and flesh.
From strength learn gentleness.
Through gentleness, strength will prevail.
I had a couple of setbacks on this goal as well this week. I have been eating food non-conducive to my weight loss plan. I had an albeit grilled double cheeseburger and cheese fries and on another day I had a “Crispy Chicken Club” with fries from McDonald’s and some fried chicken wings at my brother’s birthday get together. This I think is related to my slowdown.
I have been really tired this week. I slept all day (today is Saturday, January 21, 2006). I guess since I didn’t wake with a headache, my body needed the sleep. I can say, however, that on the day I had the cheeseburger and fries it was all I had that day.
Subway is becoming my best friend. It’s filling and cheap with the calories and pretty easy on the pockets.
I am hoping to get weighed again tomorrow or Monday. I could be wrong but I still feel like I’m losing. My clothes just feel baggier and I feel a little healthier. Aside from being so tired, when I’m up, I’m up.
(written Saturday, January 21, 2006)
I think this goal needs a little bit of clarification. I mean I’ve talked about waking up while the sun is still out. This goal is about me being more productive.
The darkness… Last year wasn’t very productive for me. I did not do much of anything but wait and feel sorry. I can feel the darkness dragging me down. I have made reference to the darkness before. In my life, the darkness wasn’t always bad, but I let it consume me. I let it take away my sunshine. I let it take away who I was.
I was… I let myself become passive. The wait and see thing was never a me thing. I am quiet—I think the term tacit sums up who I am better. My attitude was more “Like it, see it, cop it.” Simply if I wanted it, I’d get it. If I needed money, all I had to do was to facilitate a situation to make some. If I saw that female that made me say “WOW,” I’d make her mine, my friend, my lover, my girl… You get the picture.
The light… I woke up on New Year’s day feeling renewed. I hadn’t felt that good all of last year. It was as tho, daily, I had been losing myself bit by bit, just slipping away. This past week was unproductive for me. It just seemed as tho no matter how right what I was doing was, everything went wrong. Here’s the good thing about this week. The norm had become “Tomorrow is another day,” or “I can do it next week.” That is unacceptable for me now. This week I was ticked because I didn’t get to celebrate any of my little triumphs.
Here’s to personal productivity. Since I didn’t have any little victories this week. Next week I need twice as many. I am not going to overwhelm myself. I am going to take care of all the things I didn’t this week and then other little things that need doing.
For me “Being reborn into the sunshine” is about doing things and being productive.
First off, I don't like Barry. He's an asshole. He's M!ckey's older brother and my brother's best friend. Today is his 18th birthday. He hits her, teases her... I get so mad sometimes, I can protect her on the streets but I can't protect her from family.
I think he's beneath my brother. He has one of those duplicitous personalities I have blogged about previously. He plays friend, then tries to hit on his girlfriends. Sometimes I wonder if my brother's an idiot or could it be that he's just letting him dig a ditch.
Anyway, my youngest brother who is also friends with him, I guess, was just uninvited to his birthday dinner. If I was Darrell, I would have been like fuck this shit, I'm out. He stayed and is letting his little brother come home alone. As a brother it's bad form. You don't let anything come between y'all.
...My most unproductive day so far this year. I don’t intend to have too many of these.
The day started at 9:55am, I had an appointment at 10. I still went and was turned away. I tried to reschedule while I was there but the Coordinator was unavailable. Tried calling until the close of business, still no dice.
I do have another appointment tomorrow evening tho. This is, potentially, a huge opportunity for me. Cross your fingers.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
I am losing weight, I think. My clothes are consistently getting looser.
Today wasn’t just bad for me productively, but also I had McDonald’s and I don’t mean a salad and some fried chicken. Minor setback.
Yahoo! 360° - MissDumplin's Profile:
The dreams, aspirations, determination and drive of those before us allow us to live as we do today.
Ok, I have been having a lot of fun on 360º these days. I've even found someone on there who makes my heart skip beats. Found some pleasant conversation, people who are interested in my story and people who need for me to hear theirs.
One in particular, is very special to me. We talk nearly everyday. She has been posting our conversations lately. It's nice that I'm making her think about things. She's really sweet or that's all she's showing me, even tho she maintains it ain't all gravy. In all she makes my days easier to deal with.
There are still the air heads. Air heads are just that. Can't say too much about them.
There are those who just want to add you to build their list. Personally, I don't see the point in having eleventy billion or in the case of Yahoo! 360º, 250 people on your list. Who talks to that many people. Like that "special friend" said, she had seven people on at the time and she was talking to me. Flattered, that I am.
I realized my post wasn't uploaded in it's entirety. I was talking about the people who show their tits asses to get friend and those who will only add people who do it. If you ain't got a brain to back up the beauty, boobies and the booty, you ain't saying shit and yes you count as a Bubble head.
Some of you have been coming here, to my blog. If you are going to leave a comment, don't leave it "Anonymous." You can leave your first name or your 360º name and I will address it accordingly. Your 360º page can be the web page.
By the way, no homo... guys are welcome as friends too. I need to balance my friend list. I am also interested in making friends in the NYC area.
Long Walk Home, originally uploaded by Dramatic. Walking home on Friday the 13th. I was so happy to be getting home and so happy to be playing with my new camera.
Today, on 360º, I asked my friends and guests to let me know who they think should be removed from my friends list. I suppose this is the next step from asking them to remove themselves or let me know to remove them. I halved my list in that way. It is really interesting to see the comments I'm getting and who you guys think I should remove. Keep 'em coming!
To be a little more concise... It's more about who you'd remove, not me.
Who's superstitious? I am part Haitian and I'm not the least bit superstitious. I love black cats. If a ladder is in my way and I have no easy way around it, I will walk under it. Spilling salt? Who doesn't? Splitting poles, well if it will allow me to get to my destination faster... Why not?
A couple of my favorites are:
Well if she's going to sleep with somebody else she gonna do it anyway.
Appears we are never saying anything they want to hear, so they walk away from us. This cannot be avoided. I dunno, most of mine end up coming back.
What are your superstitions?
By the way, I had a very nice day!
After careful thought, I have decided not to detail the events of the night that I spent with Cynthia. Some people are telling me I left them hanging. Honestly, Cyn isn't worth further mention. So this should be the last time. That night was just a fond memory.
Which brings me to another memory. This time it's about Destiny.
The first time Destiny and I really went at it was a rainy night in the spring of 2002. It was May 31st to be exact. Now anyone who knew Destiny and I could tell you that up until that point we were pretty cold. Just wasn't popping like that. We had issues, both within our selves and during the time we were talking, we both were carrying on external relationships.
We went thru about three weeks of not speaking and on April 18th she decided that she only wanted me. She made me promise that I wouldn't retaliate for the things she had put me thru prior and when we parted that morning she was all clingy and in tears. Between that night and the night in May we tried several times to make things happen, but we were never able to complete the deal.
She went to New Jersey the third week in May and came back on the night of the 31st. She came straight to Brooklyn and when she got out of the train station it was pouring. There was a huge thunderstorm this night. She borrowed someone's cell phone to call me. She couldn't figure out which direction to walk to my building. I threw on my Nike windbreaker and walked up the block to the bus stop where she had found shelter. My jacket blowing in the wind. I got her and held her at the waist as we walked under the umbrella home.
She was wearing this champagne colored floral skirt and a nude blouse that was all wet. You could see her nipples thru her top and her booty length hair was curly from the rain. She had on those Steve Madden Wedges that went clack, clack, clack when she walked. When we got upstairs we sat and talked for a minute. I noticed she was uncharacteristically into me on this night. She wanted me to know she got all dressed up for me.
So we are laying in bed, talking and laughing as usual. We were always doing that. So then she moves my hand onto her breast and turns her head the other way so I don't see her blush. I'm laying there acting like I don't know what's going on. Then she turned back real fast to kiss me. Rubbing her Double Ds and rolling her nipples in my fingers seemed to excite her more and more, she was breathing hard and hissing. When I began to move my hand lower she began to writhe. My fingers had been inside her for no more than thirty seconds before she whispered "I want you to fuck me." I ignored her and continued with what I had been doing. Within the next thirty seconds she had pulled me on top of her and demanded "Fuck me, NOW!"
She began to tear off my favorite t-shirt, all the while biting and scratching me. She smacked me and this time screamed "FUCK ME!" This turned me on sooo fucking much. I began to fumble with her bra tearing it in the process.
As I slid home, I let off a sigh of pleasure gripping her nipple between my teeth. She bit harder into my chest and dug her nails deeper into my back. She only let up to shout "FUCK ME HARDER," "DON'T STOP UNTIL I SAY YOU CAN!"
After we finished, we laid there and fell asleep holding each other.
One.org was born of Live 8 which was phenomenally successful last summer. This is what we helped make the the leaders of the 8 most powerful countries commit to:
- $50 billion more a year in international assistance per year by 2010
- AIDS drugs to all those who need it, and care for all AIDS orphans
- primary schools for ALL children by 2015
- a commitment to protect 85% of vulnerable Africans against malaria
- big investments in peacekeeping and fighting corruption
- debt cancellation for 18 of the world's poorest countries
There is so much more needed to be done to help alleviate the toll that global AIDS and poverty is taking on the people of our planet.
The next step is to give the world's poorest people the opportunity to earn a living and create their own wealth.
At the upcoming world trade talks in Hong Kong world leaders need to hear that we all want them to do the right thing because at the moment these talks aren't going very well. Just as America grew strong and healthy by trading, together as ONE we must ensure that Africa is allowed the opportunity to prosper.
Americans must give these leaders permission to invest just a fraction more of the budget in what we know works, from $5 mosquito nets to drug treatments that cost pennies apiece.
Beating AIDS and extreme, stupid poverty, this is our moon shot. This is our generation's civil rights struggle, our anti-apartheid movement. This is what the history books will remember our generation for — or blame us for, if we fail. We can't afford to fail nor will we.
Already the money generated by Live 8 is doing good.
Over the next few weeks Bush will be making important decisions concerning next year's budget, including how America will address the issues covered in this post. Ask the U.S. to give an additional 1% of our budget over the next 5 years to help keep the promises made at the G8 Summits last year. By contributing "1 more penny" from every dollar we can prevent millions of children from becoming AIDS orphans and see that millions more are educted.
Join the ONE Campaign, sign a letter today asking President Bush to keep his promise.
Ok, I finally got weighed today. I am 308.6 lbs. I am down from 335 over last summer.
Anyhow, had around 1200 calories today. I had another Grilled Chicken Caesar salad and a foot-long “Savory Turkey and Ham” on Hearty Italian with swiss cheese with lettuce, tomatoes and mayo. I drank my 64 oz of water today and I am having a bit of diet coke.
I started Triple Cleanse today. I know it it helps a little, could be up to 25 lbs stuck up in there or so they say. I know for sure I felt better last year when I started it.
I guess being “reborn into the sunshine” meant a little more than just waking up early in the morning. For me it kinda meant shedding my darker withdrawn self.
I am usually quiet and reserved. I try to disappear into the background, no matter where I am or what I’m doing.
Today, I am happy to say, I am happy. I am up front. I am being more open and I guess less humble.
I just need to tone it down a bit. I am too nice right now. Been complimenting women all over the place. I mean it’s all like true, but it’s too much I realize. There is a such thing as too sweet.
I didn’t count on being so busy. I am just trying to get so much stuff together.
With my currently 21 Things—this is just scratching the surface by the way, I have a lot more things I wish to accomplish—I have just been running around alot. I really haven’t gotten to any of my Things.
Anyway, me losing the 5, 10, then 20 lbs is not just that. I am actually trying to begin a process of eating healthier and getting back into the gym. In everything I have ever done, I have learned that it’s not enough or too much to simply say “I’m going to start eating better,” or “I am going to lose weight.” For me there has to be a why and a how. The what is already established, in the “lose weight.” How am I going to lose it? Well I will eat more meals in smaller portions and go to the gym.
I have started eating less, but since I’m busy I also forget to eat. When I finally sit down I sorta binge. I am keeping my caloric intake pretty low, but this is not how I want to do it. I guess this is where the will power kicks in.
I am sure I have lost the five pounds already. I just haven’t had time to get into the gym to weigh myself. How do I know how much I weigh and how much I really want to lose if I haven’t been weighed.
Today I had one of those Grilled Chicken Caesar salads from McDonald’s with Balsamic Vinegrette dressing and I had a chug of my Naked Protein Zone Juice Smoothie, good stuff.
I worked at Fed Ex Kinko’s Office and Print Center, the one at Columbus Circle. I didn’t much care for it. I was a Project Coordinator who wore way too many hats. I was over worked and overdrawn. I was the only trained person on my shift but managed to hold it down most of the time.
Over the years I became addicted to the stress. I mean it just became a part of me. It got my blood flowing and I had a purpose. I was strong. I hated it sooo much, but I miss it. I miss being cheered when I walk in for my shift. I missed the relief that washed across everyone’s faces when I came to save the day. I even miss the line of customers at the door that no one else could help or that they were just dropping on me. I miss being able to buy dinner for my entire shift.
While I know that no matter what my next job is, I will not be who I was to that company. I regarded some of those people as family. Some even tho I haven’t been in touch for a while, I still do.
Anyway, I have to do it all over again, eventually. Hopefully, sooner than later. I just found out in order to get a job I have to work backwards. In other words, I must first undo all the bad things that came with not having a job. Like debt, my weight, and over all self-esteme to name a few. A lot of what I feel about not having a job influenced my list.
Ok, it’s the 1st. Today is the first day of fulfilling my resolutions, including the weight loss resolution.
Right now my primary goal is 20 pounds which I have broken down into smaller goals, 5, 10, then 20 pounds. I was thinking the initial 5 pounds after lost can be done again to meet the 10 pound mark and then the ten can be redone to meet the 20 or the 5 can be done 4 times or any combination that works for you.
The premise is that celebrating completion of the smaller “things” should motivate you to complete the bigger goal.Even tho I usually complete all tasks I set before myself, I have found in most things that I do that if the subject is too broad I will start procrastinating.
Share your thoughts. What works for you?
I tried to post this on New Year's day, but 43 People wasn't posting it. I had to post it manually on Saturday, January 7, 2006.
Hmmm! I have never really known how to describe or market myself. In fact on an interview the hardest question, for me, has to be “Sell yourself to me.” If it was as simple as, take a look at what I’ve done or give me a chance, see what I can do. I could be saved much anxiety and stress. I can, however, describe events and my desires in great detail with a little focus. “Tell your story,” that’s one of those sell yourself to me statements. I chose to write this because I thought it a challenge. It would be fitting in this year, my year of challenges.
Life and it’s circle of pain…
To borrow from Styles P, “Life is a circle of pain.” This holds true, for me especially. Growing up pretty much sucked. My sister and I have survived thieves, drug addicts, people trying to hurt us by using the condition of others against us. We grew up by ourselves mostly. I remember braiding her hair as best I could because there was no one else there to do it. I was ward of the state. When my mother started to sober up, I was already grown. I was like 16 and didn’t need someone who didn’t do right to tell me what she felt I was doing wrong.
I was once afraid of change. I tried so hard not to graduate and still did. Once change began to happen, it was welcomed. I had been hustling on the low almost all my life. Whether selling, lending or running, I did it. Not proud of all of it, but I made it happen. I never quit. I never said die. I’ve been shot at and stabbed. My mother cut me on my stomach with the butcher knife she was using to cut some chicken when I was about ten, because when I hugged her she thought I was trying to strangle her. I had no fears. I developed them later.
When I was 19 I found out that I would be a father. I had always wanted a girl. I mean I raised my step daughter up until that point. She may not call me “Daddy,” but she puts no man before me. For me that means more. When I found out she was pregnant, I knew it would be a boy, so that’s what I wanted. This was also the first time I was ever afraid to die. About two weeks later, I broke down. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be a good father.
She and I lasted less than a year after he was born. I tried to make it work.
2005 was the 1st year my primary fear was realized. This is the 1st time, since my son was born, I could not provide for him. He cost me my job in 2004.
My second fear, being alone, was forced on me recently as well. Towards the end of 2004 I noticed that the closest person to me, or so I thought was moving away from me. She swore that this wasn’t the case and when I needed her most she was not there for me. I supported her thru all her trials and in the end it was all in vain. I think it’s funny how when people have nothing they are willing to give their all and when they have somethings they are willing to give nothing. I was never and never will be like that.
Now, as we close 2005 and the most painful chapter in my life, I hope. I, not too long ago, was without hope, faith and will. Oooops, now entering the the New Year, I am full of what I see in my future.
Now ask me, what is it I see before my fist?
