I need to start in the New Year. For the last week or so I have been doing pretty good. I also want to limit the amount of sleep I get. The more active I become the less sleep I believe I’ll require.
As my year comes to a close, I’ve decided to just sit back and chill. Ride it out, so to speak.
This year was a failure for me. I feel like I have accomplished nothing, lost everything and felt pains I hope I’ll never feel again.
I lost my job in 2004, which at the time was one of the best things to ever happen to me. In 2005, I found myself hungry and broke. This year, I had all of my material possessions stolen, save for my Powerbook—it was with me. I can’t get a job at this point for reasons out side of my control. The people who I knew to be my friends and had helped in the past turned their backs on me.
2005 also brought into my life M!ckey, who has been my guardian angel every step of the way. So much I owe to her. Her love for me is unconditional. Tazhy came and went. She moved on to newer, more accessible things, like I said she would. It also dropped Stephanie into my lap. Even though she turned out to be a bust—in more ways than one—I am glad to have had that experience.
In all 2005 was a learning experience. I am greatful for that. To all the people who have come into and will remain in my life, thank you and I love you all. I hope 2006 will be better for all of us. To all of you who didn’t have the time or for whom I had no value because I couldn’t do for you… you are probably thinking I am going to say something like “die slow.” I’m not. I hope you find peace, really I do.
All that being said I am going to spend the remaining days of 2005 relaxing and doing whatever I can to prepare for 2006.
I came home this morning to find that we had been burglarized again.
The first time my “x” and I made love was the night before Labor Day, or rather that morning, at Parade Grounds on Parkside Ave. We weren’t an item yet, but were overcome by the raw physical passion that became the main staple in our relationship.
We were hidden by the darkness and the cover of the trees. Our faces lighted only by the bolts of lightning that streamed across the black sky.
It seemed as the rain fell harder and the thunder and lightning became more frequent, I pumped harder. Her breathing and mine, in tandem and in rhythm with the rain drops.
After that we seemed to do it everywhere. In the movies, in restaurants, on the way to the store, in the train stations and sneaking into the projects near her school between classes. A few times even laying out a blanket on snow or ice.
We were stopped by the police once.
I have never been very happy around the holidays. This year looks no different. I was trying, however, to make a conscious effort to be merry this Christmas. Just seemed like M!ck3y and Stephanie were intent on ruining it for me. I'm not going to let them.
I don't really want to get into it but Xmas was always a bad time of the year for me. Going too far back to care anymore. I just seem to still carry all the hurt around.
I started celebrating Christmas when my son was born. I decided that I wasn't going to deprive him of the holiday spirit.
I have decided to use 43 Things to manage my New Year’s resolutions and have invited some friends to meet some of my goals as a team. None of my goals start before January 1, 2006.
I have a few common resolutions in mind. The infamous “Lose Weight” is always a good one. I need to find out how much I weigh first. I want to go down to what at one point seemed my optimal weight of 250lbs, so I’ve set some modest goals to reach that mark and will add as necessary to meet it.
Tell Santa I'll be waiting for him on Christmas and that N***a better pay what he owe! -Riley, The Boondocks
My summer fling, Stephanie came clean to me about a lot of things last night. It kinda goes back to the subject of duplicity. This comes down to dual identities. I think, before I go any further, you should get acquainted or reacquainted with who she is:
To abbreviate the whole situation… We started fast and ended even quicker. She was special while I was with her but it turns out we both knew we had a short shelf life.
She decided, one day, that she wasn't what I wanted. Her idea of what I wanted was a short thick, light-skinned, red-headed female, who's heavier on the bottom than on top. She also felt that I wasn't into Haitians, which she is and I am composed of, in part.
She jumped ship and into the awaiting arms of some next dude and got pregnant. Then a few weeks after she found out we started talking again. I can't speak for her but I am just trying to be a friend, like M!ck3y asked me to. Now she's calling me more often than even when we were messing around — towards the end anyway.
She came over one day and curled up on me and fell asleep in my lap. I'm not sure what's going on here. I'm not sure of her intentions. What could it be? Are there regrets? Does she miss me?
I didn't write all of this before, but I asked a few of the people I considered my friends on the web about the situation. Someone on here, 360 actually, told me that she was trying to endear herself to me because she knew when shit got thick, I'd be there for her.
Anyway, we have been speaking lately. We haven't been talking about anything serious, just talking.
She called me the other day with the intention of making me laugh as she said. She read something to me that went "Don't be alarmed if a fat man grabs you and throws you in a bag. It's just Santa Clause. I told him you were what I wanted for Christmas." I was so lost for a moment or two then I laughed it off.
Anyhow last night… Stephanie came clean, about everything she's lied to me about. Among them were her age, now confirmed at 19, her birthday, now in February not July, and her level of education. None of which were major to me. I even understood why. I just couldn't understand why it was difficult to tell me.
Anyway, on a lighter note. Ozzy's cousin seems to be staying with her and OMG she has the fattest ass. I could not keep my eyes off of that thing. Stephanie offered the hook up, but I know I'd just be asking for trouble. What you think?
Just a bit of funny stuff.
Yahoo! 360° - SMOOCHIE's Blog - TEE HEE..........:
A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. the cat fell in and the rooster laughed. The cat said, a wet pussy always makes a cock happy
Here's the deal… I am preparing for the New Year and I guess since, like for so many others, the powers that be are determined to break me so I must carve out new paths for myself.
The first part of carving out those paths is my need to generate some sort of cash flow. I am looking towards AdSense for some of it. I am trying to learn how to optimize my blog so that the proper keywords fall into place and the ads are better targeted. Right now I am in the process of adding ads and "referrals" to all of my blogs. If you see something that interests you, please at least check it out.
I have also been invited to write as a guest on my best friend M!ckey's blog. She said she wanted to help by allowing me to post some of the ads and referrals. I have written very briefly on her blog before but I removed myself because I did not want her to be listed as a contributor on her own blog, but I've fixed that problem. Now my presence will only be felt on the posts I make.
This is from my most recent post M!ck3y Mouz: Changes:
All of this is about positive change and looking to the new year. M!ckey is turning up the heat and I have to come out the corner swinging now.
I know it's been a long time since I have turned a negative into a positive. So coming to the close of what is the worst year of my life. I look back and see all that I have accomplished, gone. All I have is my son left. LOL, my son… pray for Daddy.
Back to my online presence… I also am involved in other things on the web. A lot of people are coming here from my profile on Yahoo! 360°. I am also currently one of the top riffrs on Riffs, where I riff on things I like and rant about what I don't. Then there are my two Squidoo pages, where I am also trying to make a few dollars. The first of which is Dramatic Pause, it's an experimental page about me. I want to see how interested people might be in me outside of my blog. The second, which I must develop because it has the most potential, is The Mac Life, which is inspired by and about my love of Macs and things Mac like. I think that's it, aside from Flickr, del.icio.us, BlackPlanet and MiGente, if I forgot anything I will add them as addenda.
What is it I see just beyond my reach?
I see my fate!
I used to know what this meant. Now I'm not sure. I had to learn it before. I guess it's time to learn it again.
So much stuff has been weighing me down. I feel like I'm letting the people who believe in me down.
duplicity – deceitfulness; double-dealing.
I am taking some time to clean up and clean out my skeletons. Things haven't been going to well for me. Going to be dealing with a lot for some time to come.
Part of me purging the closet is getting rid of the dead weight I used to call friends. They weren't really friends in the end. When I had and they could benefit they were or I was. When I needed, I got told stuff like "I got my own problems." All I wanted was to borrow an ear, nothing else. That was even too much at times for my pride to allow.
I began by cutting people out my physical sphere. There are still more to get deleted and I am trying to drop the dead weight on all my friends and buddy lists. I am officially withdrawing myself from this blog.
This is my last post here. I can be found at .::dramatizations::.. I just don't understand duplicitous people.
Aside from all of this, I got people talking about me behind my back. They don't even got the heart to say shit to my face. My sister, my son's mother… Why be two-faced about it.
Duplicity is one of my most hated traits in people.
I am stuck in a time of deep reflection. Normally I slip into a deep depression around this time of year. I supposed it isn't a good thing for the demons of the past to collide with the demons of the present. This year, although I have a lot more to be depressed about, it's different. Maybe it's because of my best friend, M!ckey.
This year is the worst year, by far, of my life. M!ckey has been there the whole time to hold my hand. I appreciate her. I know I say it a lot, but it can't be said enough.
I am also very greatful for all the people who have stood by me this year, including my son's mother. I guess the secrets we've shared over the years have served to strengthen our bond. Well here is a short list of some of you guys, in no particular order: Andy and Gina, Devin, Nyika, Natalie S., Mother and Mamite, all of the people who are genuinely concerned and are sincerely trying to be my friend and my son who wants to learn to pray, so that he can pray for me.
Since this is my time of reflection and thought. I may be posting rather brief posts, quickly. I have a lot on my mind and need to organize the clutter.
Additionally, you may have noticed that I have been making some layout changes to my blog(s) and some to M!ckey's as well. I have also been trying to connect all the pieces of my online life, not only for ease of management but to strengthen my presense. There will definitely be more to come on that.
The kids think they are getting the day off, some adults too. There isn't going to be enough accumulation for all of that. We are going to have about two inches and this is by the time everyone will be getting ready to come back home.
Too many bitches want to be ladies. So if you a hoe, I'm gonna call you a hoe.
Too many bitches are shady.
Too many ladies give these niggas too many chances.
Too many brothers want to be lovers, don't know what romance is.
Too many bitches stuck up from too many sexual advances.
How can a guy go from one female to her friend? How could that friend let him? I mean it's one thing to maybe fall into something after a prior relationship is over, I have been there, but to actively pursue something minutes after she was forced out of the door is wrong.
Back to the quote above, so few females deserve the the attention they get. They are fucking up good relationships with good men and their friends. Fucking their men's friends and their friend's men. Then they try to play that innocent, "I'm an angel" role.
On the other hand, men, are doing the same. Fucking with little girls, then their friends and basically contaminating the thoughts and emotions of females. Leaving negative impressions on them that they'll carry, probably for life.
I personally, have always been in awe of the situations women put themselves in or allow themselves to remain in.
To each their own. I refuse to align myself with those females. I tired of helping people carry emotional baggage and being their emotional crutch.
I'm disgusted!
I have been cleaning off my buddy lists and friend lists all over the place. To make it real simple for everyone, if we don't talk and/or you have no intention of doing so, you shouldn't be on my lists.
Kokobuttakisses has put out a nice list of for all of us Yahoo! 360 "friends." The 10 rules can apparently be applied to other social connection services, such as Blackplanet, Hi5, and MiGente, among others. I have chosen my 5 favorites.
Yahoo! 360° - Kokobuttakisses's Blog - 10 UNWRITTEN RULES OF 360.....:1. To the people who have like 25,098 friend's, are you serious? Nobody in this universe has that many friends...you're stupid. Go kill yourself....
3. Don't ever post fake PICTURES!
4. Nobody cares about threats over the internet. Don't try to act hard with the keyboard...that's so sad.
6. Who really gives a rats ass if I don't accept you as a friend...MOVE ON. Don't send me another request or message asking "what's up?" I don't want you as a friend, that's what's up!
8. No one is really going to die in 6 days or have bad relationships for 5 years if they don't this in ppls mailbox on. So stop saying that! [sic]
Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary:
Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevailent [sic] only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.
Perhaps a bit cynical, I've been in love once and I almost had a second bout with the afore mentioned "disease." Through the grace of the powers that be I have been saved from the accursed affliction, at least for the time being.
My job search hasn't been going well, not all the conventional stuff anyway. I have posted to a good portion of the Career/Search sites, including Monster, Career Builder, Flip Dog and Hot Jobs. I have done the whole cold calling thing as often as I could. Filled out applications more places than I can count. I have decided to think a little out of the box. I might as well attempt a few new things.
I have begun to ask "friends," close or otherwise — I don't have many close friends, for help. I have posted to a Yahoo! Group to which I belong that I am looking for a job and that I would appreciate some help. Any leads or advice welcome. I have also posted a message to that effect on my "Blast" at Yahoo! 360. I don't blog there but I have my this blog's feed there. So most people who visit my 360 profile will see this post. That's right my blog and this post is a part of that strategy.
I figure why not use my blog. Last week I started tracking the traffic to and around my blog and a good number of people come here. I just figure every little bit could help. Question is: How can I get some more people here?
Well, I know a little more about tagging my posts. As you can see, below I have some of my Technorati tags duplicated. Not exactly, made sense to have variations of the tags I used. In fact if I think of anymore, I will update the list of tags. The point is to cover the widest audience possible, right? Next steps are to post it to my Blast, the groups, posting to my del.icio.us account and find out which of my friends will help me get this post around.
I have also created a Backpack Page of my resume. The list is a "Table of Contents". Click a link and it takes you to that section in the résumé. The last two links in the TOC are where you can download my résumé in MS Word (.doc) or PDF format. I might either convert the MSW document into a RTF or upload a third RTF file, which all of you WordPerfect users should be able to open with no problem. I have stripped away my personal information, like my address and phone number for internet safety reasons. I can be reached via the email at: reign4aday@yahoo.com. I will be adding anything I can find to re–piece together a portfolio or just something to show what I do, what I've done and what I know.
Again that link to my Backpack page is http://ddesir.backpackit.com/pub/337365 and my email address is reign4aday@yahoo.com. I appreciate all your time and help in advance, thank you.
Me, originally uploaded by Dramatic. This was taken in Florida back in August. One of my more recent pictures since I broke my camera.
Today, M!ck3y decided she wanted to hook me up with one of the hottest females I have seen this year, as a joke. She wanted to get a reaction. She walked up to her in McDonald's taps her on the arm and tells her that I was "interested." She replied "Wha, wha, what?" M!ck3y repeated, to which the pretty lady replied "Well tell your friend I am very older than him."
I was rejected. Not because I don't have a job, not because I approached her wrong or someone else did it for me. I was rejected because I was too young. How old do I look?
When I woke up this morning, I really didn't want to do anything. I am just at the point where I feel "What's the point?" I mean I have been looking. Problem is I have been getting nowhere. I have actually become scared. I am afraid of rejection.
Upon my arrival, the environment at first seems quite relaxed. It's fresh, clean, open office space. The security guard was standing behind his chair behind his portion of the reception desk. The think I first noticed about that area was his display, a silver flat panel, approximately 30 inches. Apparently, for him to monitor activities around the office.
I stood on a line of about 5 or 6 people for about 5 minutes. I guess the line was moving slowly, for them anyway, because the lady behind the second reception desk came to help it move along. I got here too early so I'm waiting, not so patiently, until 12:30. I feel I'm not being patent because I had to find something to occupy my time, i.e. this post.
I ran into my cousin, Latoya. Didn't even see her because I was checking out her friend. 12:30 came pretty quickly. Had orientation, which was pretty rushed. Gwen took us on a tour of the facility which was just as nice as the front. Anyway, I have to make an appointment for my next step.
How to Leave a Voice Mail Message from the album "43 Folders" by 43 Folders
This is sort of a test. You might notice that some of my formating is different. I am testing Ecto, a desktop blogging client.
I intend to be out as often as possible for at least the next few weeks and I needed a way to blog more efficiently. I just needed a way to manage my posts. The whole email and HTML thing can get messy, as I have previously found out.
Anyway, I'm going to play with it in my spare time until I get things just the way I like it. You will know when it has my feel.
"Three minutes? It takes me twenty five minutes to get you draws off." — Michael Kyle, My Wife & Kids
Does anyone know who she is and/or where I can get more information about her. I saw her in Maverick Entertainment Group's My Big Phat Hip Hop Family.
"I am afraid if they take away my heart I will not be able to love you the same" — Adam (Christian Slater – Untamed Heart, 1993)
I have a new friend, Natalie. I met her on Monday. She is really sweet. I like her.
I have one problem, after three days, I feel like she thinks she knows me. Granted, we've spent quite a bit of time on the phone — probably more time than I've spent with any single person on the phone since high school.
Our latest conversation left me feeling I need to make something clear. I did not let anything get where it is, it got away from me. How could I let myself be unhappy. How could I let myself feel helpless? Most of all, I want to know, how I can make it better?
Natalie is trying to help me find a job, already. I think she will make a wonderful friend. I respect her directness, her honesty, and openness. She doesn't pull any punches and there are so few people like her in this world, more importantly, in my sphere.
Although her initial deductions about me were wrong, she opened her mouth, she said what was on her mind and there is no confusion between us about who she thinks I am and she still wants to get to know me. I have so few true friends, I hope this one is a keeper.
. I just have too much on my mind.
♫ Staind
Fray
14 Shades of Grey
I know that it never goes away
All I feel, everything I'm not today
So I try and I try to make everything right
I don't feel like I'm doing it, it affects me
Ok I have been thinking alot today, being sick gave me a chance to get some of my thoughts straight. I have been putting my efforts into the wrong things and M!ckey has been helping me a almost breaking herself. That girl loves me to death and I don't know why.
I mean all of this is coming up only because I missed an opportunity to do one of those things. I don't know if I did it on purpose or if it was just meant to happen like that. I do have some added freedom and flexibily now, which of course is good, very good.
I mean, you might not understand what I'm getting at, so I will clarify a bit. I was too bound to the material portion of my life. A lot of the time I don't even have the doe to do the things I need to do, like eat, clothe myself and get out to take care of business.
See for me a missed opportunity is not merely that, it is usually an opening to something else. I have been talking about starting over for some time now, materialistically. It's hard because I put a lot of effort into getting where I was. It was even harder falling to the depts to which I've fallen.
I had to remind myself that the first time I completely turned my life around I let go of everything. I made the fundamental choice between necessity and everything else. I have never been one to readily accept things for what they are, not negative things anyway. If I didn't like what was going on the only day to deal with it was to change it or purge it, either way it was on my terms. That is very important to me, doing things my way, on my own terms.
So since I really don't know what's going wrong in my life right now, aside from feeling down all the time, I realize I have to break my bigger issues down to their most basic layers. I have to uncreate my life.
I mean uncreate in the sense that I need to undo everything from this point backwards so that I can figure it all out.
I am proud to say my browser of choice is the only browser that pass the Acid 2 test.
I feel like shit. I have a cold and haven't eaten today.
I wish there was a Pax around here. I miss their chicken noodle soup it always made me feel better. I would buy that with some "Apple Spice" herbal tea.
I'm going to have to settle for some Campbell's chicken noodle soup mix. You know the dehydrated soup that comes two packages to a box. I got a little black tea and some juice Darrell put in the fridge — I don't know what kind of juice it is yet, I hope it's orange juice.
M!ckey was supposed to be coming with some Buckley's, soup and juice. She couldn't make it. My sister was supposed to bring me some split pea soup from Mike's International. It can still happen.
My brother got me Minute Maid Citrus Punch. At least it'll sooth my throat.
I am not sure how many people read my blog regularly and I get most of my comments as direct emails or in instant messages, but if you have a comment please leave it here. I don't mind getting it in other ways but I'm sure others might be interested in what you have to say. Additionally, please leave a name instead of leaving your comment anonymous. For all of you not in the Blogger ring, you don't have to sign up.
Yahoo! 360° - The UniQue One Has Spoken
The other day I ran into someone, I was once very close to, on Yahoo! 360°. She was Destiny's roommate and best friend. I got close to her before I got close to Destiny and before Destiny and I was together she looked out for me, in every way she could. I guess then she was everything M!ckey is to me now.
The above link is to her blog on 360°. She deserved mention.
My kid brother has been bitten by the stupid bitch bug too. He said this is the "most annoying convo (He's) ever had:"
SB2 [9:06 P.M.]: Can u call? please
"Dreamz" [9:06 P.M.]: i said i'll try
"Dreamz" [9:06 P.M.]: i got a lot of work 2 do
SB2 [9:08 P.M.]: ?
"Dreamz" [9:09 P.M.]: nevermind
SB2 [9:10 P.M.]: Ok
SB2 [9:11 P.M.]: Nevermind what?
"Dreamz" [9:11 P.M.]: i said i have a lot of work 2 do
SB2 [9:12 P.M.]: Then y did u say nevermind?
"Dreamz" [9:12 P.M.]: cuz u aint understand wat i said
SB2 [9:13 P.M.]: What did u say that i didnt understand?
"Dreamz" [9:14 P.M.]: i meant i aint feel like repeating myself
SB2 [9:15 P.M.]: Repeating what
"Dreamz" [9:15 P.M.]: nevermind
"Dreamz" [9:15 P.M.]: 4get it
SB2 [9:17 P.M.]: 4 get what. now u makin me feel like i did somethin. just say it
"Dreamz" [9:19 P.M.]: its nuttin
SB2 [9:19 P.M.]: ?
SB2 [9:20 P.M.]: Just say it
"Dreamz" [9:20 P.M.]: i already did u r not understanding me
SB2 [9:21 P.M.]: Please say it
"Dreamz" [9:21 P.M.]: i already said it mad times
SB2 [9:22 P.M.]: Said wat. is it bad
"Dreamz" [9:22 P.M.]: no
SB2 [9:23 P.M.]: Well what is it
"Dreamz" [9:23 P.M.]: i already told u
SB2 [9:24 P.M.]: Please just 1 more time? please 4 me
"Dreamz" [9:25 P.M.]: SB2 its nothing
SB2 [9:26 P.M.]: Please!!!!!!
"Dreamz" [9:26 P.M.]: OMG its nothing
SB2 [9:27 P.M.]: Please!!
"Dreamz" [9:27 P.M.]: umm....no
"Dreamz" [9:27 P.M.]: i already told u
"Dreamz" [9:27 P.M.]: its not a serious matter at all
SB2 [9:28 P.M.]: Please!
SB2 [9:33 P.M.]: Ok
"Dreamz" [9:35 P.M.]: ok
SB2 [9:35 P.M.]: Ok wat?
"Dreamz" [9:35 P.M.]: u said ok so i said ok
I bet some of you can guess who she is. But don't post her name. The identity of these women should be kept in confidence for their saftey. Really, some of them should be stoned. Don't quote me on that either, we don't want congress to censor me.
Grrrrrrr! Stupid bitches again, can't get away from them, they are all over the place. Today the sphere is somewhat limited to the web, but I'm pretty damn sure you will encounter one on the train or at the gas station tomorrow morning.
Ok, here's the scenario… This one airhead — I am being very nice about it in using the phrase "e;airhead"e; — I talk to all the time, well she is alright as a human being but lacks enough of a thought process to qualify as a door knob.
This is minor compared to the direction some of our conversations go in, but this was enough to really piss me off tonight:
Me:SB:Me:SB:SB:Me:SB:Me:SB:
Her name will remain anonymous for now. Again, I am being nice.
Daddy's Girl, originally uploaded by Dramatic.
Makes me think happy thoughts and wonder just who is her "Daddy?"
Germaine Bondage, originally uploaded by Dramatic. Germaine is ready to get spanked.
The new browser on the block, Flock. I can't wait to see how it shapes up.
FlockGot this in an email forward.
This is the time of year I start cleaning out my life. Who will make the cut this year?
I am cleaning off my buddy list and my address book — both digital and paper. My messengers are now down to about half. The address book on my phone also. My contact lists are next.
Females are acting up. The unnecessarily moody, bitchy displays are making it easy to cut your ass off.
Seriously, don't mean to offend anyone, but save us both some trouble. If you do not wish to be on my buddy lists or you otherwise don't want me to contact you, just say so. I will be happy to remove you from my life.
President Bush Urges Nation | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Hmmm, maybe my fellow Americans will vote him in a third term. LOL
Party Night, originally uploaded by Dramatic. Stephanie left the party to pay me a conjugal visit.
This probably the last time you are going to hear about Stephanie. Up until last Wednesday, I hadn't seen her since the pregnancy scare. She seeing someone new now. But she's doing that thing I hate sooo much, she is being around just to get on my fucking nerves and making back to back "What are you doing?" phone calls to her new fling. It's just plain stupid. It was fun while it lasted. It has come to a close. It is over.
I'm feeling 
right now. Actually, I'm fucking pissed.
I am listening to some O'Reilly shit about The Web 2.0 Conference.
The day started off pretty damn funny. My mother told my little brother if he wasn't out of the door by 7:45 a.m., she was going to fuck him up and throw his clothes out so he can dress in the street. Some funny shit, he already getting letters home from school.
Went out this evening tonight wish I hadn't. This is what my horoscope said for today:
Money and possessions are on your mind now -- and with good reason, too. Whatever you've been working on to make your financial situation more stable is about to come through. In the process, though, you may find that someone you were trusting to help you finish off the details isn't quite as skilled or reliable as you'd imagined. Before you give them what-for, however, think about it. Is it worth it?
Not really into it, but it struck a cord in me because it captured what I was feeling when I read it.
Overall, up until tonight I had a good day.
I recently noticed that an old beat buddy was scratching a lot. Fortunately, I stopped running up in that some time ago.
Jack threatened me w/ "don't come to me w/ that shit" It is implied that something will follow. He clearly has the ability to inflict harm on me. Doesn't this constitute an assault? Menacing?
He uses the fact that his mother is protecting him to prevent me from taking action. Doesn't it constitute harrasment?[sic]
Through it all she protected him. Now everyone has all but forgotten her. She lives with him. I'd rather be living on the street than to move back with her. I will not visit for more than a few minutes at a time, often months go by between visits. When he yells at her or sits there taking her food out of her plate, I don't say anything. I always told her I'd leave her to deal with her problem and there he is.
He is now 42 and she is 81. A lot of good people have come into her life and gone because of him.
I don't want to say I won't go to her wake or her funeral. Heck, I believe I will be responsible for paying for it, but I don't love her as much as I could have
This is the last entry in the pages that were saved from my journal. I may have written more, I may not have.
I ended up flunking out of school for not going. I just couldn't make it. If I was going I probably couldn't cope anyway. I remember drifting off to nowhere ending up in a daze. If I wasn't in my other worldly state I'd be asleep because I couldn't sleep at home.
That fall I moved out and in with my mother, brothers and sister on Lenox Road. It was OK for a while, until she moved anyway, then I moved back. I have been drifting and floating where the wind blows me ever since.
Last night Jack got some money and got high. She waited till I was sleep to let him in. I woke up with he and his crackhead friend laid out in the living room.
Just when it seems things couldn't get any worse. It's my birthday and I have to be in Family Court. She lied on me again, this time in front of the judge.
She said I hit Jack w/ the stick and repeatedly hit him in the head. She also said that I wouldn't stop even after she pleaded with me.
What am I to do when I am offered no other recourse?
I did pick up the golf club, I swung. It did not connect because I dropped it. We began to struggle. At that point I wasn't sure if he was trying to hit me with the club or not. After I hit him a couple of times he lost his grip on the club. The struggle continued. My shirt got torn at this time. I kicked him 2 - 3 times in the ribs and I threw him to the floor at the expense of her bench. He reached for the golf club and I stepped on it. That's how it broke. As I punched him, he began to raise the broken handle of the club to me. It had a jagged edge. I cut my hand trying to keep him from stabbing me with it. He was screaming "Please Deon, O.K., It won't happen again." All I can remember saying is "I'm going to kill you, I'm trying to get my life together, and you're not going to stop me." The fight ended when Mamite tripped over the broken bench and I stopped to make sure she was O.K.
She also neglected to mention that he came at me after she confronted him about my things and the whole time she was trying to defend him, he was trying to get at me.
This may be the end of this post or I lost a page with a paragraph.
Seems I've found a paragraph and a sentence to complete the journal…
On that Thursday I asked her about what I felt was owed me. She ignored me and I simply said "I know what I have to do." I went and picked up the wood block from the window and sat down on my bed. She jumped up got dressed and left the room. At this time I didn't know Jack was in the house. She went and told him that I was coming at him. How am I coming at him when I'd never left the room. About half an hour later I was still in the same spot when the phone rang. Nina called to warn me that he was in the hall w/ the police for me. The police came in and spoke to me. He insisted that the put in the report I threatened him w/ the block, when I never saw him before the police asked for me. He also had them put that I broke the club on him. She validated his lies and said I tried to hit him with the block.
I made sure I got the temp. Order of Protection on Friday.[sic]
My life gets crazier daily. When I came home from the precinct w/ P.O. I'd been met at the door by my grandmother. They demanded an audience w/ Jack. I was in shock when I found out that Mamite tried to make me out to be a lier. I asked Ateil why he hated me, I recieved no answer. I cried a bit.
Now I'm taking it as motivation. I refuse to let anything get in the way of me achieving my goals or impeding my means for attaining any ends. Today I feel only hate for the people I once loved dearly. I am going to use the order of protection to acquire the Section 8 I need to declare my independence. I am looking for a p/t job now. It will be enough to meet my immediate needs. I still have to put a marketable wardrobe together. I'm hoping my birthday works out for me.
Me and Lakish are on better terms. We finally had anal sex, it wasn't bad, but it wasn' anymore pleasurable for me than vaginal sex/actual intercourse. She said Lil' has to come live w/ me and and we established that I may not have time to tend to him properly.
My Elisa doesn't show me enough affection. I've spent much of the last week or so w/ her and Sandra. Sandra wants me to go everywhere w/ they are. Elisa's avoiding sex. She doesn't mind cumming though. The other day I had my thumb in it so long, my finger came out wrinkled. But this morning morning she told me that she was enjoying our little thing. That made me feel so good.
I've been extremely depressed lately. It's just life. Nothing's as it should be. I am, however, ascending. I think I've hit my personal bottom and for me there is no other way but up.
I will go back to school. I can trust myself to be myself. I wish I started sooner. I'll not let nothing get in my way. I don't trust anyone, save for "mom," Lakish, Lil,' brothers, sister. I wish, anyhow, everyone & thing all the best.
I have my 3-day Wonder diet: (I omitted the diet because it is irrelevant to everything else.)[sic]
I grew up pretty much alone. I raised myself. There were adults around most of the time but I always did my own thing. My Grandfather was sadistic and used to use me for demonstrations to his children. For instance, I remember once he hit me and gave me permission to hit him back. Every time he'd hit me, I was to hit him back. He would hit harder each time. Not only did it hurt me, but when it was over I was so confused. When I stopped he turned to Jack and Yves, his youngest and oldest respectively, and told then "See, I am stronger than him. No matter how hard he hits me, he knows he will never hit me as hard as I hit him." I was about 7 or 8 years old at the time and I was distancing myself from him and his drug addict children for the rest of my life.
When he went to the nursing home, I never went to visit him. When he got sick and was put in the hospital, I had better things to do. When he died I went to neither wake nor funeral. I simply had better things to do.
The little bonding between Lakish and I was a result of her trying to get back on my good side. She was giving me what I wanted to appease me. She cried the day we did that thing. I was gentle, it was to punish her. Today thinking back, I am sorry. She didn't deserve that.
I found out later that Elisa was also seeing the next woman's man and I was just a stand in. Later, over the years, she'd try to pursue a relationship with me on some level greater friendship, but I wouldn&39;t get into anything with her. Aside from the time it didn't work out we never tried to sleep with each other again.
I went back to school, this is the semester I flunked out. I did not have the money to travel back and forth.
Today, I trust people to be who they are and nothing more.
I was using playing with my Powerbook this afternoon after my shower. I was actually setting up a shortcut to one of my folders. I just call anything I do on my Mac playing unless it's an actual project. Anyway, the app title of Quicksilver changed without my knowledge to Tricksilver and the icons and startup animation (last frame above) are Halloween themed. See this is what happens when you just click the update or upgrade button. I thought someone had hacked my computer, not that there is anything that important on here.
Today I am at the Family Court building. I been here since 7:45 a.m., it is now 1:40. I am here because I had a fight w/ Jack. Since he's been back I haven't been able to keep anything. We fought on the 5th. Here goes:
He threatened me w/ a non-specific "watch and see" then he approached me and I proceeded to defend myself. I picked up the golf club which I dropped and he picked up. If I wanted to hit him w/ it I could've but I didn't. When he picked it up I stepped on it and it broke. He attempted to stab me with the jagged edge. I handled myself O.K. it stopped when Mamite was knocked to the floor. I think she's afraid of him that's why she let's him terrorize everyone like that. I am passive to a fault. I should've been taking care of this from before. I wouldn't be here now. I can think of a million things I'd rather be doing.
Now I'm mad. She was trying to protect him. I beat the clothes off his ass. He ran out the house naked. I didn't write that he came at me with the club first. I don't think I ever wrote that more than money was missing. It was also games and miscellaneous other things.
I also don't think I wrote that I told her if he came back in the house I was going to hurt him or that she'd sneak him in when I was sleep and out before I woke up. I did not write that, Thursday, July 10th, I woke up early and he was there. So I told her that he'd better not be there when I get back from the laundry. She put him out for his safety. When I came back from the laundry, the cops were waiting for me. "Your uncle is afraid you're going to beat his ass" They advised me to go get the Order of Protection. A temporary one was issued on Friday and I had to come back to get the permanent one on the 31st, my birthday.
It's been a while since I posted from my journal. I have been trying to pay attention to current real life issues. Anyhow, here is another day in the life.
Today I am sick… my stress is building up and causing me physical maladie.
1 wk. ago 2day Elisa and myself spent more time 2gether & we had another session. She came harder than she did on Mon.
While I was on the phone w/ her Lakish kept calling & pushed me into an argument. I then, in tears, broke down & told her that I didn't want a relationship. She thinks it's because of Elisa. I tried to explain that I've felt this way 4 some time & that she makes it difficult for me to tell her how I feel.
Thursday Elisa & I made a bet that I couldn't get it w/i a wk.
Friday we spent the day together & held ea. other & kissed. She showered while I waited. I really wasn't trying to make any moves. I was watching t.v. & she went over 2 her bed 2 b. under the fan. After a couple of minutes I joined her. We kissed and held & touched ea. other. I sucked her nipples & she held my member & stroked it. I began to rub her clit again & things became all the more intense because we were wrapped up in ea. other kissing & holding her head 2 my chest & mine 2 hers. She climaxed. She went to get a "C." It was 2 snug but I wore it anyway. She proceeded to straddle me, she worried she did not know how 2 ride. We switched 2 modified "doggy" 4 a few moments. I held her tight, her face against mine. I inhaled as she exhaled, we took our breaths as 1. Her sighs & exstatic moans were a comfort 2 me. We eased up & she turned over, I plunged in2 her yet another time. She wanted her legs elevated. I tried not 2 thrust 2 forcefully, but periodically I pounded her cervix & she'd gulp. She taunted me w/ "it's small, huh" & "how long does it take 4 you to cum?" I asked what sort of guy she'd been w/. We never actually finished but I was satisfied just being w/ her. She's the most attentive lover I've ever had.
Later Friday evening we went to see Hav Plenty. We had McDonalds & walked around the Columbus Circle, Lincoln Sq. area.
Saturday night I spent w/ Lakish. Sunday me & La went to Manh. Mall & Macy*s. Between the 2 days she cried periodically. She told me that she wanted nothing more to do w/ me. She also spent the entire time threatening me w/ Lil' as leverage.
Jack emptied my "Taz" bank & I did nothing yet. I am filled w/ an anger I am no longer used 2.
Elisa & I haven't been speaking much.
This morning (2:30a.m) I recieved a series of calls w/ La in the backgrnd. crying & babbling. Eric, Kyonna & Lakish had been drinking & the called me because she was "out of control." They begged me to reconsider my position w/ La.[sic]
Reading all of this, as I type it out, for the first time since I wrote it, is really bringing back some memories. Good and bad memories. This summer was especially important because I took some time off from school and was planning to go back in August. I was enrolled in a vocational program at Covenant House, which lasted from June to August, I think.
My uncle was stealing from me. It was money I was using to get back and forth from Covenant House and money I was putting away to relieve some of the stress of trying to get money for transportation and books and food and whatever I was about to encounter at John Jay in August. It was bad enough I needed a grand for tuition.
I didn't write about how, when I arrived at Lakish's, she was laying face down on the floor in her own vomit, crying "Why?"
I'm a little more depressed now. I have always gone thru shit. When will it stop?
final-fantasy-vii-advent-children, originally uploaded by Dramatic.
Damn I can't wait to see this movie.
This was sent to me by Dori.
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't freaking think so.
Seriously, I actually shed 
today. I am extremely depressed. I woke up not wanting to deal with anyone today. I'm starting to feel empty and hateful.
I'm tired of being hungry and having no money. My bills aren't paid. I might as well kiss my checking account goodbye. Every time M!ck3y has to buy me food a lil' piece of who I am, what makes me special, dies. It's not just her. It's anyone, really. Whether it be my mother, who I've been avoiding. I am tired of her remarks. She never has anything nice to say to me. Even the people who help me have no idea what the fuck I'm going thru.
I had to explain to my son's mother that if it hadn't been for her my life would have been better, easier. I would have had expanded options and means. I wouldn't be paying child support if anyone else I could have, should have been messing with had mothered my child — I wouldn't have been double and triple paying. If it had been anyone else I might not be a father. I made a stupid mistake. Still I can't see my life without my son.
What is it I am going thru? It's very hard to say. I can't breathe. I just want to die. I want it to be over. I mean everything. I even feel my son would be better off without me. I can't do anything for him. I can't contribute to his school events like I used to. I can't even feed him these days. I am starting to cry again.
You know, I have people talking about how I act. When all I get is stress from them. I love M!ck3y, more than I can even sum up in words. "Love's infinite books" would not be enough. She just can't seem to take a hint tho. We are together almost all the time. All of her free time anyway. And when we aren't we are on the phone. I don't mind. Honestly, if I did, I'd tell her — "Look leave me alone!" — But I don't. She my boo. She, no matter how much she tries, will never be the answer to all of my woes. She is there and that is really all I can ask.
I am down to my last five (5) pairs of underwear. I have one pair of jeans. This amounts to: I don't have enough clothes to last between laundry days. I don't have a coat. Didn't have one last year. That didn't go very well. I have a brand new pair of "Uptowns," completely unworn. I didn't even try them on yet. I'd sell them for Sixty dollars ($60). They are white with the black check.
I have a meeting at Williams Lea on Thursday. I'm afraid it's going to turn to shit. It's for a position that makes me the equivalent of the Waterboy and not Adam Sandler's either, he made good of that. I am or would be unimportant.
Now M!ck3y is seeing this guy named Kevin. Means I'm sidelined, if not already, it's coming. This also means that her attention and whatever resources she could divert my way has a new destination. Apparently she's been seeing him for some time and I only heard of him this weekend and I just got the details from her blog. I mean, I can't be with her. I don't want her to be alone. But she was all I had.
Overall I feel like shit. I feel like I'm being shitted on. I am cold and hungry and alone. Worst of all I'm afraid. Mostly afraid that I am right. Before if I were asked the question what is it I see before my fist, I'd answer my fate. Today I see nothing.
Yo, I'm mad bored and playful right now. I ain't got no one to play with at the moment.
♫ Beanie Sigel f. Grand Puba & Sadat X
Bread & Butter
The B. Coming
I changed my pics on Hot or Not and Online Booty Call which also resets my rating. As you can see from my sidebar I am currently at 8.6 on Hot or Not. I am a 10 on Online Booty Call. I've only been rated once there, I think that's the default rating.
On with the journal posts, I left off on Saturday, 13 June 1998…
She told me that she needed to call me as much as I needed to speak to her.
Today we spent our 1st day together. She let me touch & rub her. She has 42 Trip. D breasts. She let me play w/ 'em, suck her nips. She'd tease me by pushing my hands away then put it back & shove it away again. I was invited to probe deeper w/ her coy smile & her calling eyes. She said she wanted to see how aggressive I could be. She climbed up in my lap and strattled me, thrust her breasts into my face and placed her nipples in my mouth. She joked about 'em being too big 4 me. She sat w/ her back to me & grinded herself into the bulge in my jeans. She asked me if I wanted to see how wet she was. When I took the challenge, much to my pleasure I said "Wow." I ran my it middle & fore fingers over her clit till she came. (This may turn into a players journal afterall)
When I got home I had a conversation w/ Lakish & Kyonna about 3 somes and other assorted freaky shit. Eric & his other wants someone to take pictures of 'em goin' @ it. L' said she'd do it. I'd do it if I were asked. I have also come to the conclusion that if my life isn't interesting now I'll make it so.[sic.]
Here are a couple of shots of two of my new favorite tool. Pictured above first is Netvibes, which I have set as my homepage on Camino. There is no support for Safari yet. It works fine in Firefox as you can see. It allows you to collect your favorite RSS on one page for a quick peak at what's going on in your web world.
The second is Meebo, a multi-protocol IM client for the web browser. It lacks the heavier novelty features like video and file sharing but it does it's job and connects people.
LOL, it's been a few days. I promised I'd begin posting the rest of the pages from my incomplete journal of the summer of '98. I currently have no internet connection. The Cablevision Optimum package is cut off temporarily, definitely not a choice I made. My Lil' sister got behind in the bills and I can't help her pay. I feel like such a loser (M!ckey, keep your comments to yourself — had to leave a note to my personal cheering section). My options as far as posting are:
I combined the second and third choices. I just wasn't sure how the post by email worked. Last I looked it up on Blogger Help, I learned that it interpreted the HTML from my email client as HTML and the text as text. From what I remember before I started using markup in my posts, Blogger adds tags automatically, specific to your method of posting. For instance, an email post would be tagged ‹p id="email"›…‹/p›.
Anyhow after texting a few options, I came to the conclusion that the best way would be to attach an HTML file to the email. So here's the 1st of the email posts.
Oh, btw, here's a list of links to the previous post.
It's time to finish my journal entries. I ended on Saturday, 13 June 1998.
"meet me at midnight, love", originally uploaded by DrJoanne. "Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him" -
Groucho Marx
On the 13th a buddy of mine made a post about women and the truth. It's basically about how the only truth women are interested in are the truths as they see it.
Hi, ladies! You always say you're looking for an honest man. Well, you've found one, but you probably won't like what he has to say. Hey, at least that's honest. We men are lonely, and basically looking for something to do.
I must say, I agree with most of what he has to say. However, in my experience, most of the women I come in contact with can appreciate the honesty or have just become accustomed to the truth. Have you seen the Twix commercial where the very voluptuous woman asks her husband if her capris make her ass look fat and he shoves the Twix bar into his mouth? Hell yeah your ass looks fat! Is that supposed to be bad?
Well here's the deal, as blunt as I can be, I'd rather hurt you with the truth than for you to be hurt later because I lied or withheld the truth or whatever some of us are calling it these days.
He also talks about what y'll say you like to do to get our attention and what it is we really like to do. OK, maybe I'm not a typical guy, but I like:
Recently, I have been running into females who either can't accept or understand the truth. Stephanie is an example. She implored me to tell her what was on my mind especially as it related to her and when I did she shut down. The truth should have enhanced us, but it ultimately led to our swift end. All I said was that I didn't want to hurt her.
Then there are of course the women who can't tell the truth to save their lives. If you want the truth you have to be willing to give it.
Trying to remain . I promised M!ck3y that I wouldn't get depressed or stressed or otherwise allow my mood to be affected adversely. I didn't do it out loud, I'm sort of doing it here.
Violet Blue
The 3 part "NPR Indecency Series"
Open Source Sex 9, Open Source Sex 10, Open Source Sex 11
Just doing some cleaning and listening to a few podcasts.
Dashboard 091605, originally uploaded by Dramatic. This is my Dashboard with my most frequently used widgets open. Seen here is the from left to right then top to bottom: Transmit, Backpack, GPeek, Countdown Calendar, Weather, World Clock, Oblique Strategies, Colorstrology, Calendar, iCal Events, iTunes, Wikipedia, Dictionary and Sing That iTune.
Well, as stated in the caption. My dashboard has a lot of my "at a glance" tools. My current favorite is Oblique Strategies. I have been suffering from various blocks lately — i.e. writer's and creative block.
I read somewhere recently that most widgets don't do anything that can't be done by going to the corresponding desktop app or to your browser. This is true but you do it in far less clicks and usually without disturbing what you are doing. Imagine the two (2) clicks to open and close the dashboard or the single click and hold to open on–click and close on–release as opposed to opening Firefox or Safari and, if you were savvy enough to add it to your bookmark toolbar, go to AccuWeather.com, then close your browser.
Hmmm! I wonder if I can trim down the clutter on my Dashboard and still be able to see everything I wish to when I click the single button.
As you can see I made a joke of the recent George Bush Impeachment petitions. While I think he should be impeached because he is overall ineffective, I think that the heavier things can be made lighter with a bit of humor.
My Newly Clean Desktop 091505, originally uploaded by Dramatic. This is the desktop of my 17" G4 Powerbook. I am using the default Tiger Aqua background picture.
Well I have finally cleaned up my desktop. My goal is to stop relying on folders as much so I set up some "Smart Folders (only available on Mac, I think)" to search for files, folders and any other item to which I can attach a color label. This idea is not entirely original, I'm sure of that. I also disabled "Write" permissions so that I won't be able to save on my desktop.
I just realize that my desktop was a reflection of my inner self, so I am starting to clean inside and out.
I'm still feeling 
. My chest hurts and I sweat if I make a move as small as turning over.
OnlineBootyCall.com - Finding the pieces.... without the Puzzle
This is not a slam on Online Booty Call or Hot or Not. I just want to know why someone would join an online rating service or dating service only to have someone else rated. I swear one of the top ten on Online Booty Call for today looks too much like Trina.
We know she's hot, after all, isn't that why you chose her? The moderators can't catch all of them but why are we voting them into the top ten?
Impeach Now: National Coalition to Impeach Bush & Cheney
They were ready to impeach Clinton because he liked a lil' head. Why not Bush for turning his back to his people and country?
These are the pictures I've linked to Blogger from my Flickr Photostream.
I have posted other pictures via Hello and Blogger Images, but since there isn't a way to manage or view the images that have been posted aside from inline or following the link to the larger image, they were not included.
I broke my camera on my recent trip to Florida, so I may not be posting as many images.
