The Noise

In my previous post, I blame “the noise” for a lot of what I am not doing or for holding me back. In fact, the noise is keeping me up right now.

…it’s hard when all the noise comes from inside…
…like this here, this is what I do to escape the noise… but it’s always there…
…you don’t want to escape it, you want to make it quiet…

Those were a few lines from a conversation I had with Janelle, just before I tried to go to sleep.

This week I went to SWP. I needed help dealing with the noise. I went on and on as I spoke to Elana. I never even scratch the surface of what made me panic last week. It’s not the noise outside, it’s what once was my theme music, my inner self. It’s like all the things I want to do, including the stuff here on 43 Things are being wispered, spoken and even shouted at me from the inside along with all the stuff I haven’t been doing, have been doing or should be doing in my own voice.

I don’t know if anyone knows where I am coming from. It’s overwhelming sometimes. Like right now, even as I write, it’s almost constant. Usually, things outside of me help me close it out for a time, but it always comes back. I don’t suppose I can give up the noise for Lent. Sometimes the noise is so loud about tomorrow, I forget what I have to do today. The quieter it is outside the louder the noise is inside.

The cries of my failures. The cheers of triumphs past. My fears howl in the night. Where, why, when? All I know is the who, it’s me. Isn’t it?

I do want to escape. I do want to silence it. How? The noise, it’s calling me to bed now.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine