Monday, December 31, 2007

2007 in Review

I have been thinking a lot about what I was going to write here. I haven't felt much like blogging in a very long time. So much has happened over the last year that I chose to remain silent about.

I chose to write this because I thought it a challenge. It would be fitting in this year, my year of challenges. [From dramatizations: A story about me]

More fitting may be the challenge of not saying too much this year round. I felt it would be appropriate though to take a look back at years past. So that I can give you and get a perspective of where I am coming from and where I want to go. I have met many challenges over the last few years. When I first started posting here, things weren't going well for me at all. Just waking up in the morning was a challenge. Feels like I am there again.

To borrow from Styles P, “Life is a circle of pain.” This holds true, for me especially. Growing up pretty much sucked. My sister and I have survived thieves, drug addicts, people trying to hurt us by using the condition of others against us. [From dramatizations: A story about me]

Life is no longer as painful. I recognize that there is always another day. Nothing is absolute. I can no more blame anyone for my position in life than they can blame those before them. I am responsible and I am moving forward, albeit slowly. More than ever, this year I am ready to let the past go. I don't even care about what happened yesterday. Everything changes for a reason.

I was once afraid of change... Once change began to happen, it was welcomed. I had been hustling on the low almost all my life. Whether selling, lending or running, I did it. Not proud of all of it, but I made it happen. I never quit. I never said die... I had no fears. I developed them later. [From dramatizations: A story about me]

Change is inevitable. I am still afraid sometimes. I still look forward to it though. I can't quit. I can't give up. I will never say die. I am ready to meet my fears head on. I am still going to make it happen.

I have given so much over the years. I have nothing left to give. I am tired. Tired of them taking. No one ever seems to give back or better yet, share. If we are friends, we all should benefit. I think it's time to stop giving. I will never be a taker. I only want what is due me.

I think it’s funny how when people have nothing they are willing to give their all and when they have somethings they are willing to give nothing. I was never and never will be like that. [From dramatizations: A story about me]

What makes people do that? When you are poor, broke, hungry you are willing to share with the people who are there struggling with you. When you get a little bit, you no longer have it to give. You know what? I will not take. I beg you nothing. I will always be willing to share with those less fortunate than me. My reward will come first from my conscience, then force, karma, gravity, divine judgment or whatever you want to call it. If payback is a bitch, lol, sometimes she will give head.

I met some people, some people came back into my life, some left temporarily, some for good… BYE! Can you see me waving? Some of you preach friendship but really, you're just full of shit. [From dramatizations: 2006 in Review]

Not so scared of people coming into my life and not sticking around anymore. I just wish more of the good ones would stick around. I tend to miss y'all a lot. You know why you are.

The one who I know is feeling me, flat out doesn't want to be with me. [From dramatizations: 2006 in Review]

That certain someone and I did make a connection, didn't last though. She and I seem to have mad love for each other and chemistry but we seem to be playing a constant game of human chess with each other. So we are just friends now.

Believe it or not this year I actually had a girlfriend. It lasted for about two months. She didn't have any respect for me. My advice to any man who has a woman telling them about their Xs or other male friends all the time is that she doesn't want you she wants them or a combination of them. No need to deal with it, at all. For a moment I felt like I had someone, turns out my "boyfriend" title was only justification to have sex.

I don't need a girlfriend, I have a lot of people who want to show me their worth no matter what position they play in my life and my little boy.

This year my little boy has made me very proud. Not just because he is a good child, but also because I was blessed with a glimpse of the man he is going to become. [From dramatizations: 2006 in Review]

He too is going through some stuff now. I am proud as ever about his accomplishments and how he handles most of his challenges. He has to deal with so much and does it so well. I love him. I have to be hard on him and push him, I need for him to be reminded who he is and what he has done, the choices he's made and inform him as much as I can of the choices he is yet to make.

I have accomplished a lot this year. I have fallen again though. I am strong. Things couldn't be any worse. I still wake, I still breath, I still stand and I still walk, forever moving forward. I have learned that when I do fall it just means that I have to stop and look and change some things that might not have been right.

My outlook on the coming year is still optimistic and I am ready.

Now, as we close 2005 and the most painful chapter in my life, I hope. I, not too long ago, was without hope, faith and will. Oooops, now entering the the New Year, I am full of what I see in my future. [From dramatizations: A story about me]

This year I lost my job. I paid off more of my debt. I was a father. I was a brother. I learned to be happy and content with myself.

Last year the question was what is it I see before my fist. The answer is my fate. Not a fate that was written for me but a fate that I am yet to write. I have to make some moves. Make some choices. I am about to go to war and so many will not like me, some will love me and others will hate me. I will continue to tread my measures. I will probably continue to fall and get back up. This is not 2005. I am a different person. I have grown and I have lived. Here's to 2008. What you got for me?

I don't really know what happened

I used to drink a half gallon daily. Now I don’t even think I get a cup. I need to get back to water like NOW.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Why I want to meet DRox

As her name implies she way “Rox!” She is fast becoming my best friend on the web, always available to me and ears are always open.

I am anxious to see how all this translates from virtual to real world.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

The 6th Month

I have been out of work for about 6 months now. I did not apply for unemployment right away, not until about 2 months in. I depleted my savings.

Recently, they cut off my unemployment. They are saying I lied on the application and they want me to pay the unemployment I did collect back. Hmmm, you know I am going to appeal this right?

I did get to work two days last week and I have an interview tomorrow morning. Things will get better, they couldn’t get any worse or could they?

Monday, October 29, 2007

Damn, Jena! | BlackGayBlogger.com


stunting on the red carpet and showing the thousands of people who fought for their cause, wore black, and marched in their town for their sake that, so far, it's amounted to presenting at the BET Awards? [From Damn, Jena! | BlackGayBlogger.com]

Sunday, October 28, 2007

It's Been So Long

I haven’t tried a typing test in some time. I know that I type quite a bit faster than I used to. I don’t have access to Mavis Beacon at the moment, not sure I need it though. I type how it feels natural to me. I still have a bit of trouble with the number keys but I am sure I will work that out soon as well.

Monday, October 22, 2007

About 4 Months coming

I have been looking for a new job since I lost my last one at the end of June. I was a Presentation Specialist/Graphics Operator. I have been up for several positions that were either in line or parallel to my objective, but they all seemed to fall through. With the current hiring freeze in the industry I have few options. I can shoot below, take a job for now that isn’t going to get me anywhere, I can sit and wait or I can either shoot for something above and fill in the blanks as I go, which I am sure I can.

I think sharpening my lesser promoted skills over the next few weeks and maybe putting together a simple portfolio of stuff that simply shows that I have the ability might work nicely for me. Time to start leveraging my hidden talents.

Still Haven't Gotten My Scale

What it has been more than a year, probably a year and a half since I said I would get a scale. I thought I had put back on the weight that I had lost in pursuit of this goal. Now my clothes are hanging off of me, more than they have in years. I need to get a scale in order to monitor my losses and gains.

I have over the course of the last year changed my eating habits. I now eat more organic products. Drink my tea unsweetened and have converted to whole wheat wherever possible. I also find I am not eating in anticipation of a hunger that hasn’t surfaced yet. No more, "I am eating this much so I will not be hungry later!"

Slowed Down, But Haven't Stalled

Well since I lost my job, I had to cut back on my savings and debt repayment. I am paying about half what I was paying when I was working. The job market is bad right now. There is a hiring freeze in my industry. I have, however, managed to pay off 63% of my debt since August of 2006.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

I'm Unemployed, Again

I lost my job on Tuesday. I am looking for a new job and I should be OK for a couple of months, at least.

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iPhone Scientifically Rated (Verdict: Great Call Quality) - Gizmodo

Here is one very important reason I want an iPhone. As anyone who speaks to me on a regular basis knows, the call quality on my AT&T 8525 isn't great.

iPhone Scientifically Rated (Verdict: Great Call Quality) - Gizmodo:

…Their results for the iPhone? Best they've seen.

It scores higher on the frequency response test compared to the BlackBerry 8800, Helio Ocean, LG Prada, Nokia N95 and the Treo 750. The audio quality is great as well, as is the send frequency response…

Hmmm! I can't wait to find another job.

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Friday, June 22, 2007

Graduation Day

I am a very proud father. Graduation day has finally come to a close. My son, while he wasn't Valedictorian or Salutatorian, this year, his achievements did not go unnoticed. My boy… That brings a big smile to my face.

My son was one of 3 children chosen from his district, all from his class I might add, to be in an "elite" academic program spanning the next 7 years, with an intense 14 month prep component.

I am so getting ready for all of his successes.

Today, I am spent physically, mentally, finncially… but this is OK. I was done proud. This week, I went to a series of meetings, an orientation, his 14 hour plus senior trip and today his graduation and little family celebration afterwards, all the while going to work. LOL, I am on my way to work now.

In the morning he has a picnic with Prep for Prep, where he gets to meet, get to know a little the other members in his unit. My son the superstar… I am sure he is as exhausted as I am. Can't wait to ask him about his prom tomorrow afternoon. Who did he dance with? How much fun did he have?

Monday, June 11, 2007

Everything is a learning experience

I always try to learn as much as I can. Sometimes it just doesn't get done because I procrastinate or I just don't get the subject matter, like today trying to learn JavaScript or XML.

When I first started learning web related stuff, I seemed to get it almost immediately. I got a good basic grasp of HTML, VBScript, ASP, and I was able to write and edit minor JavaScripts. I had fun with the HTML Guru's DHTML templates. I even got interviewed at some big names and not so big names. I forgot everything because I never applied what I learned. Today all of it just seems foreign to me, but i am still interested in web development and design.

I am trying to figure out where to go from here. I want to learn, sometimes I get in my own way by trying to learn too much at one time. I have books. I am thinking about subscribing to one of those online tutorial sites, maybe just for the summer, so that I can get a grasp on the basics of what I am trying to learn. I think I should be able to move forward from there.

I guess we will see how that goes. I will not be beaten on this. I may not be able to learn it all but i can learn a good deal and be great at what i know. I am hoping I can rely on some of you for help. Maybe answering questions directly or pointing me in the right direction.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Bros Before Hoes

Isn't that how it goes? Is blood really thicker than water? Well… let's see!

My brother's girlfriend is a nut. Let…s see if he is going to alienate his family for her. If so, I guess we…ll "watch what happens when (she) cheats on (him)!" Her words.

In my book you don…t turn your back on the people who are there for you. That…s the worse form of betrayal in my book.

I am going to ask him if he deleted me from his friends list. If he did and that is really how he feels, then he better be ready for what ensues. If you going to act like you don…t need anyone, then you need to be ready to be man enough to carry the weight by yourself.

I still don…t like his ex-girlfriend for him, but she wasn…t crazy and definitely wouldn…t take out what happen between her and someone else out on him. This is what the disagreement between she and I was about. The whole "when I cheat on you" comment.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Baby Momma Drama

OK, here is the deal. As promised, though a bit late, the 1st in my series of posts about what's been going on in my life and where I stand now. I realize as much as I would like to blog often, I just have so much going on, my heart isn't always going to be in it.

Yahoo! 360° - NONNA'S NICK NACKS - Hearing the Big News, without my rose colored glasses:

Recently, I am involved in a similar situation… My son's mother and my cousin. It's disgusting but once someone referred to him as my "shadow-self," said all h managed to capture was my initial charm. They used to talk about how he was trying so hard to be me. Then he got jealous and being me became beating me. He stole from me, he had to have my son's mother. "I have alway wanted you," what he told her.

Last year around August, it had been brought to my attention that my son's mother and my cousin, someone whom I was very close to growing up, were seeing each other. This is not news to some of you. I do chat when I have a chance, but have found myself becoming increasingly distant in that respect too.

I shrugged it off and continued my life. I had just began dating since my last relationship ended four or five years prior to that time. I am over her. In my mind one man's trash is another man's gold. This true for both of them. I deal with my son's mother where the kids are concerned. Thinking back, she was important to my ecosystem. She gave me my son and I not so happily tied to her for like an eternity.

I really did not care, at the time anyway, as long as it didn't affect the kids. My son started to really distance himself from her. Everyone knows how much I love my son. I began to inquire as to why he didn't want to go "home." This was the week of Thanksgiving, when things blew up I mean. Before then, I noticed certain things that confirmed my suspicions, all the while keeping it to myself. Didn't want to alert the kids if they didn't already know. I just did not know how discretely the situation was being handled. My son brought to my attention the weekend prior to Thanksgiving he was really uncomfortable being over there. On that Monday, she wanted to fight. The gloves were off. I let her know I knew.

In her defense, she is grown and it's none of my business, none of their business and whoever told me needs to get a life and kiss her ass and a bunch of other bullshit. Dumb ass, starts making calls and cussing people out, pretty much randomly. Since no one had to tell me a thing, she was just making enemies.

I go over to her house to talk. End up running damage control. A "friend" of a "friend" was over there wanting to fight her. Everyone broke out when they saw me walk through the door. Hmmm! they said I had the look of death on my face.

Fast forward… OK, all the things said, all the things done. I am notoriously mean and I was the nice one. Hearing shit about her being afraid for her life. Hearing shit about him and his other cousin trying to push "special" drinks on her. She thought she was being set up to be raped. Still defending him. I told her I didn't want him around the kids. Can't trust him.

Her mother is convinced I am jealous or I just plain don't want to see her with anyone else. Why be jealous? I am turned on by ambitious women. Women who go out and get theirs. What am I going to do with a female that thinks it's acceptable to sit around and wait for a $46 check.

Then to find out she wasn't taking care of his school stuff at all. Missed all of his open houses, which took place between October and November. So I had to step up and be on his applications triple time. Most days I don't get home until just before he does.

She had one of the acronym entities involved with the protection of children pull my son out of class to question him. His counselor said he was present and that Lil' looked so uncomfortable. Neither the counselor nor his teacher had ever met her up until that point and stated so. My son told the lady that was questioning him, that he wanted to live with me.

Recently, she reached out to me and I had to tell her that I couldn't help and be the bad guy anymore. She tells everyone one little pieces of the story and has everyone at odds. In a nut shell, you mad your bed, lie in it.

In the midst of her stupidity, she lost her job several weeks ago. Which means there are likely a myriad of unnecessary battles ahead between me and her.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

I got that feeling

OK, I haven't been posting much lately. I got that feeling old feeling now. So much shit has been going on… Can you say overwhelmed with life?

It all started early last year. I had just been conned, I had just applied for welfare… Shit just was not going the way it was supposed to. The hurt I felt having my trust betrayed, the physical sickness of me walking into the Public Assistance office, so disgusted. I never understood how, why someone could, would sign their lives away for pennies. I couldn't bring myself to collect on it, I couldn't bring myself to go into FEGS each day and deal with the rabble, fuck…

Then as I started pulling things together and getting stuff straight, I started losing friends. I supposed if they couldn't understand my need to separate and focus, they weren't friends to begin with. I think I only bring this up right now, because I am lonely. I am without companionship, without love… Who cares, right?

Anyway, this could have very easily become a who done it encyclopedia. I decided to break it all down and post daily about what is on my mind at that moment. Could be once a day, twice a day or more. Stay tuned! I will bring you all up to speed and then we will move on to bigger and better things.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Corinne Bailey Rae

Corinne Bailey Rae, originally uploaded by Dramatic. I love her voice

As of about 2 weeks ago this CD is on heavy rotation in my playlist.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Vote for Knowledge! VH1 - I Love New York 2

VH1 - I Love New York 2:

My brother is trying to hit up New York. Vote for him, Knowledge! She need to be treated to some of that Brooklyn flava.

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Saturday, April 21, 2007

Waking up in Columbus, OH

I arrived yesterday. I haven’t done much yet, but I am having a great time. Went out to eat a couple of times. My friend is a busy girl. Today we will do more. Expecting to visit German Village at some point today.

MacBook

Ended up buying myself a new black MacBook so that I can get back to all of the stuff I love. Like learning, currently JavaScript, and blogging.

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Saturday, March 31, 2007

A review of Melba's: Beautiful...

Briefly…

Went here on March 16th. It’s a beautiful little place with mirrored walls and a candle light at every table. Everyone’s smiling… Seemed as though we were silently invited to come in and get comfortable, like family.

I arrived, a bit earlier than the rest of my party, to find several people at the bar and people just sitting and enjoying the atmosphere. I found out later that one of the people at the bar was “Melba,” the owner of this lovely little establishment and Sylvia’s daughter. Aside from the coat check lady, the young woman who had been bartending came to greet me at the door, followed shortly by the waitress.

As I sat, I was able to look around and take in the warmth. I made a few calls and mused that this might be just the spot to share a moment with a special someone. Oh no! The little dancing flame went out on my table, Melba immediately noticed took care of it herself.

Fast forward…

We ordered… The food wasn’t quite what I was looking for. I can’t really rag on it, it just wasn’t what I was looking for. I wanted it to be like my Grandmother’s cooking. Overall it wasn’t bad, not at all, actually. The Buffalo wings were as could be expected. The Buttermilk Fried Chicken was well done, well seasoned and cooked to perfection. The “Tres Mac and Cheese,” wasn’t my deal at all. I think it was the pepperjack cheese that killed it for me. I just wish the menu could have been a bit more diverse.

I noticed, also, that Melba remembered faces. She was greeting her return visitors with a kiss and a hug. Not just people that have been there many times, but even a group that had been there just once before. I also noticed that it may be common for people just to stop in to say hi.

Overall I had a great experience and I will definitely go back the first chance I get. Warm, cozy, like home should be.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

J Beast, The Damager Defiler

F2(1M)="Hahahaha!"

What a joke!

Friday, January 26, 2007

Shit was All Good Just a Week Ago

Just a week ago I was being reassured and admonished for being negative about the situation. Today I feel like I don't exist to her. Go figure huh.

I put my heart into too much of what I do. There are a couple of people interested in me. One is completely unavailable, she's a good mom (very sexy). The other has these really nasty episodes. One day she misses me, wants to hear my voice and the next she is not in the mood for me.

For a little while there was a third. She just stole the show. She was completely available. She was as excited if not more to hear from me, then this week, it all came to an end. Even though I told her it would. She tried to convince me it wasn't so.

The funny thing is, they will all read this at some point or other, but the one thing I am sure of is that they all respect my honesty.

A fourth person from a not too distant past, who likely still reads my blog — Hi, lady with the pretty eyes, once told me that I love hard. I think I do. Too hard!

Now where do I stand. I am a little hurt, by all meantioned above. I am mostly hurt by myself. I know I am not meant for certain things, but I still remain open to them. I don't know why. I just do. When you invest in someone, no matter how much or little, you lose something everytime there is no return on that investment.

I am smirking. Let's see what happens now. The two remaining ladies are very special as well. What will they do with the new information. The third is still very special as well but… it is what it is.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

My Gift To You

Here I am, just a man. Feeling pain gives me life. Relieving yours is my plan. I'd do anything just to see through your eyes... just to see through your eyes...