Monday, December 31, 2007

2007 in Review

I have been thinking a lot about what I was going to write here. I haven't felt much like blogging in a very long time. So much has happened over the last year that I chose to remain silent about.

I chose to write this because I thought it a challenge. It would be fitting in this year, my year of challenges. [From dramatizations: A story about me]

More fitting may be the challenge of not saying too much this year round. I felt it would be appropriate though to take a look back at years past. So that I can give you and get a perspective of where I am coming from and where I want to go. I have met many challenges over the last few years. When I first started posting here, things weren't going well for me at all. Just waking up in the morning was a challenge. Feels like I am there again.

To borrow from Styles P, “Life is a circle of pain.” This holds true, for me especially. Growing up pretty much sucked. My sister and I have survived thieves, drug addicts, people trying to hurt us by using the condition of others against us. [From dramatizations: A story about me]

Life is no longer as painful. I recognize that there is always another day. Nothing is absolute. I can no more blame anyone for my position in life than they can blame those before them. I am responsible and I am moving forward, albeit slowly. More than ever, this year I am ready to let the past go. I don't even care about what happened yesterday. Everything changes for a reason.

I was once afraid of change... Once change began to happen, it was welcomed. I had been hustling on the low almost all my life. Whether selling, lending or running, I did it. Not proud of all of it, but I made it happen. I never quit. I never said die... I had no fears. I developed them later. [From dramatizations: A story about me]

Change is inevitable. I am still afraid sometimes. I still look forward to it though. I can't quit. I can't give up. I will never say die. I am ready to meet my fears head on. I am still going to make it happen.

I have given so much over the years. I have nothing left to give. I am tired. Tired of them taking. No one ever seems to give back or better yet, share. If we are friends, we all should benefit. I think it's time to stop giving. I will never be a taker. I only want what is due me.

I think it’s funny how when people have nothing they are willing to give their all and when they have somethings they are willing to give nothing. I was never and never will be like that. [From dramatizations: A story about me]

What makes people do that? When you are poor, broke, hungry you are willing to share with the people who are there struggling with you. When you get a little bit, you no longer have it to give. You know what? I will not take. I beg you nothing. I will always be willing to share with those less fortunate than me. My reward will come first from my conscience, then force, karma, gravity, divine judgment or whatever you want to call it. If payback is a bitch, lol, sometimes she will give head.

I met some people, some people came back into my life, some left temporarily, some for good… BYE! Can you see me waving? Some of you preach friendship but really, you're just full of shit. [From dramatizations: 2006 in Review]

Not so scared of people coming into my life and not sticking around anymore. I just wish more of the good ones would stick around. I tend to miss y'all a lot. You know why you are.

The one who I know is feeling me, flat out doesn't want to be with me. [From dramatizations: 2006 in Review]

That certain someone and I did make a connection, didn't last though. She and I seem to have mad love for each other and chemistry but we seem to be playing a constant game of human chess with each other. So we are just friends now.

Believe it or not this year I actually had a girlfriend. It lasted for about two months. She didn't have any respect for me. My advice to any man who has a woman telling them about their Xs or other male friends all the time is that she doesn't want you she wants them or a combination of them. No need to deal with it, at all. For a moment I felt like I had someone, turns out my "boyfriend" title was only justification to have sex.

I don't need a girlfriend, I have a lot of people who want to show me their worth no matter what position they play in my life and my little boy.

This year my little boy has made me very proud. Not just because he is a good child, but also because I was blessed with a glimpse of the man he is going to become. [From dramatizations: 2006 in Review]

He too is going through some stuff now. I am proud as ever about his accomplishments and how he handles most of his challenges. He has to deal with so much and does it so well. I love him. I have to be hard on him and push him, I need for him to be reminded who he is and what he has done, the choices he's made and inform him as much as I can of the choices he is yet to make.

I have accomplished a lot this year. I have fallen again though. I am strong. Things couldn't be any worse. I still wake, I still breath, I still stand and I still walk, forever moving forward. I have learned that when I do fall it just means that I have to stop and look and change some things that might not have been right.

My outlook on the coming year is still optimistic and I am ready.

Now, as we close 2005 and the most painful chapter in my life, I hope. I, not too long ago, was without hope, faith and will. Oooops, now entering the the New Year, I am full of what I see in my future. [From dramatizations: A story about me]

This year I lost my job. I paid off more of my debt. I was a father. I was a brother. I learned to be happy and content with myself.

Last year the question was what is it I see before my fist. The answer is my fate. Not a fate that was written for me but a fate that I am yet to write. I have to make some moves. Make some choices. I am about to go to war and so many will not like me, some will love me and others will hate me. I will continue to tread my measures. I will probably continue to fall and get back up. This is not 2005. I am a different person. I have grown and I have lived. Here's to 2008. What you got for me?

I don't really know what happened

I used to drink a half gallon daily. Now I don’t even think I get a cup. I need to get back to water like NOW.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Why I want to meet DRox

As her name implies she way “Rox!” She is fast becoming my best friend on the web, always available to me and ears are always open.

I am anxious to see how all this translates from virtual to real world.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

The 6th Month

I have been out of work for about 6 months now. I did not apply for unemployment right away, not until about 2 months in. I depleted my savings.

Recently, they cut off my unemployment. They are saying I lied on the application and they want me to pay the unemployment I did collect back. Hmmm, you know I am going to appeal this right?

I did get to work two days last week and I have an interview tomorrow morning. Things will get better, they couldn’t get any worse or could they?