Bored, Among Other Things

Since I'm Bored and a little upset — This week is not going well for me, despite what I accomplished yesterday — I have decided to blog just a little bit. It might turn into something bigger than I initially thought. Here goes:

1. I have found a use for the blogs on the other communities I belong to. I will post a snippet or a description of a post that may be relevant to that community. Some blogs that I am currently not using in other places include 360º, Bebo and MySpace.
2. I need to update my résumé and have different versions for different contexts.
3. I will be updating my résumé and profiles on the career sites. Sheesh, I never realized how hard this is. I guess it's because I'm a lot more serious now. I will be doing this, one site per day this week for a total of 3.
4. Probably most importantly, I am shrinking my sphere of influence for a while.

To clarify… most of you know that I am reading "7 Habits." It starts with working from inside yourself and influencing others through your positive changes. Basically, if you change people will see it and and be receptive to the change.

I am not changing for anyone, only for me. I need to be better. Better mentally, physically. A better friend, a better lover, a better father, a better man.

The sphere is referring to my circle and what I can and can't control. I am neither interested in controlling nor do I feel I am capable of controlling anything outside of my son and I. So there, my sphere is limited to two and only the things directly related to those two.

Some People

This web stuff gets weird sometimes. I know not to get close to most people, but it's an inevitability that you'll get close to some people. A lot of people confide in me on here. I have had people tell me all their business and then cut me off. I know more about you than your family and the person or persons you are sleeping with.

Anyway, I asked a "friend" for a picture a little while ago. It was like I asked her to bring the Antichrist into the world, a total disconnect. She said she couldn't understand why someone who didn't know her would want a pic of her.

ummm, u can tell me your secrets and your pains and tell me about your son and your hopes and dreams but u can't understand y i want a pic?

Hell, I just wanted to add it to my address book. If I'm going to do that, it might as well be one I like. I mean she was smiling and showing all her pretty teeth. So what gives?

What makes it even funnier she is one of the biggest proponents to me getting my life together.

The Noise

In my previous post, I blame “the noise” for a lot of what I am not doing or for holding me back. In fact, the noise is keeping me up right now.

…it’s hard when all the noise comes from inside…
…like this here, this is what I do to escape the noise… but it’s always there…
…you don’t want to escape it, you want to make it quiet…

Those were a few lines from a conversation I had with Janelle, just before I tried to go to sleep.

This week I went to SWP. I needed help dealing with the noise. I went on and on as I spoke to Elana. I never even scratch the surface of what made me panic last week. It’s not the noise outside, it’s what once was my theme music, my inner self. It’s like all the things I want to do, including the stuff here on 43 Things are being wispered, spoken and even shouted at me from the inside along with all the stuff I haven’t been doing, have been doing or should be doing in my own voice.

I don’t know if anyone knows where I am coming from. It’s overwhelming sometimes. Like right now, even as I write, it’s almost constant. Usually, things outside of me help me close it out for a time, but it always comes back. I don’t suppose I can give up the noise for Lent. Sometimes the noise is so loud about tomorrow, I forget what I have to do today. The quieter it is outside the louder the noise is inside.

The cries of my failures. The cheers of triumphs past. My fears howl in the night. Where, why, when? All I know is the who, it’s me. Isn’t it?

I do want to escape. I do want to silence it. How? The noise, it’s calling me to bed now.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

The Last Few Days…

We are what we repeatedly do.
Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.

I have been thinking about what the subject of my 300th post. Should I go with something sexual, philosophical, or I could just talk about the stupid bitches I come across. I decided to just let you guys know where I am.

I recently started reading again. I am reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I have read some of it before. I had read as far as the end of the “Private Victory.” The premise of the book, well as I take it that any positive change begins within. The three habits making up the private victory are:

1. Be Proactive
2. Begin with the “End” in mind
3. Put first things first

…

I started to write this about two days ago. I couldn’t get my thoughts together and let it just flow. When I stop in the middle of a post and try to finish it days or even hours later it usually loses it’s original meaning. This time is no different. There are some things I wanted to share with you guys.

I have been thinking about my life a lot lately. There is nothing new here. I have been reading “7 Habits” and like the last time I started to read it, the book kind of forces you to turn an eye on yourself and think about why things really are how they are and if they are really as you see them. I have had the book for several weeks now and haven’t even made it to page 50 yet. It’s because of the noise, more on this in my next post. Anyway, I am still seeking answers. Answers to questions I am not even sure of.

Shhhhhh! I know it’s early, I can’t sleep. It’s the noise.

I have been thinking a lot about what it is I will be giving up for Lent. I am not religious. Remember the movie “40 Days 40 Nights?” Well the movie is my inspiration.

I just need a reset. A reset from everything that is distracting me. Sex, family… I may even give up instant messaging or at least limit it to a couple of hours a day. I know I am giving up fast food, i.e. McDonald’s, Wendy’s. I guess Subway isn’t so bad. I will surely miss the West Indian food. Everything I eat from them contains some sort of meat.

What else can I give up? The Lent season lasts 46 days, starting March 1 and ending the Saturday before Easter.

I want to give up as much as possible. When I resume my normal lifestyle it will be easier to do everything in moderation. What do you think?

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

Loser

A little while ago, I was talking to this female on 360º. I told her I had no job and she called me a loser. I was so fucking hurt. She didn't type it out, she threw up this smiley . That shit was so mean. If only she knew how I felt about being unemployed.

BTW, I wanted to thank all my friends who are helping me pimp my résumé. Now where is the Big "Fuck You" smiley.

Happy Valentine's Day

Computer Love rev, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

A man has only one escape from his old self: to see a different self-in the mirror of some woman's eyes

Wanted to thank all of y'all for believing in me and loving me. This means you Mickey, Janelle, Alanna, Ebony, Tiffany, and any one else I am too lazy to mention.

Some of you are doing the Valentine's thing today, some this past weekend and some this coming weekend… be safe, have mad fun.

I wish y'all all the best. Congrats on the engagements. Yada yada yada…

Interests

Interests, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

These are some of the interests of a person I think very well of. It just happened to amuse me today. I might have seen it before but paid it no mind. It was just funny that I fit at least one of those categories.

Unhappy

♫ Aaliyah
I can be
Aaliyah

I know the quote below has nothing to do with the song I am listening to. The song just happens to be on, the quote is about what I'm feeling.

I'm out here
By myself, all alone
Ready to blow my head off!
I hurt so bad inside
I wish you could see the world through my eyes
Each day is the same
I just wanna laugh again

Interestingly enough, I have just come to the conclusion that I am extremely unhappy. I am trying to pinpoint exactly what it is to no avail.

Maybe it's because Valentine's Day is coming up. I certainly do rue being alone. Or maybe it's because I am still unemployed. I am kinda moving forward but standing still. Right now I am feeling really unmotivated and unproductive.

I started reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Hopefully I get something out of it. Oh yeah, I should publicly thank Janelle. She purchased it from my Amazon wish list, since Mr. Deon is a broke ass. Thank you!

Hypochondria

Apparently, I have developed a severe case of it. I hope so, because the way I'm feeling isn't right. I am going to keep a journal of everything I am feeling.

Ugly 2.0

Remember the ugly kid in school, the one nobody wanted to get next to. As if ugly was contagious. I met someone, about a year ago, that was so ugly she could make an onion cry. She looks like young Shaka Zulu when he was mad, but all the time. Damn y'all, she put a pain in my heart that felt like I was watching the Holocaust from the inside. I used to liken her looks to a crime against mankind.

But I'm not here to talk about this type of ugly. I want to discuss a new kind of ugly. Even greater than the ancient ugly, the one born in people's hearts. This one is so strong that you can see on the outside. The kind of ugly that cause people to kick others while they are down. The kind of ugly that makes people steal other people's pictures and post them as their own.

Recently I was conned. I was tricked into helping someone take advantage of me. It seemed as tho she was trying to buy my affection, which I actually warned her against. I don't want to get into the details of the scam she ran on me but it took her months to wear me down. Karma is the first born son of a bitch. There is a special place in hell for you.

That being said… I am considering posting her email address and her 360º page. Even tho she may be able to change them pretty quickly, at least she'll get harassed a little bit. I am still weighing it. Altho the punishment is not commensurate with the crime at the moment, I still have to look out for my own energies and try to stay on the "right path."

This added stress may be attributed to my current physical condition. It has also served to close my heart just a little bit more.

My Rays of Sunshine

Valentine's Day is fast approaching and it just dawned on me… This will be my forth consecutive Valentine's alone. No one to share a quiet moment with. Not even someone who I know will be thinking of me in another place. Which brings me to the people who have been my friends and helped me clear away some of the cobwebs.

Tiffany, Tonya, Mickey, Janelle, Dahnaysha, Alanna, my kids and my newest friend Ebony. Y'all give me reason's to smile more often than not. From this point on you will be known as "My Rays of Sunshine." You offer me a big of hope in my otherwise hopeless existence.

Unknown Comment

Before I got into anything else, I wanted to address a comment I received on my She's got a question post. It's the first comment. I am not upset by this comment. I do talk a lot, sometimes. To directly reply, I am doing. I am just not doing on the level I feel I should be. Additionally, what's up with the anonymous or in this case "Unknown" comment. If you going to say something, reveal yourself. If you are an enemy let me know who you are, so I know who I'm smiling at when I step over you. If you're a friend, we can do the "You got my back, I got my front" deal.

Related: Anonymous Comments

Personnel Changes

There are about to be some in my life soon. I am putting all of y'all on notice (You know who I'm talking to). Especially if I have to get "Mailbox almost full" and 13 of 16 messages are from the same person. This constitutes a problem.

She's got a Question

Everyone who knows me or has been getting to know me knows that I have been dealing in the space of "self" for a lil while now. I'm about self-improvement, self-development and self-promotion. Moving forward, not backward. Everything I have done since the first, except for getting sick, has been with the purpose of moving to that next level.

Ok, so here's the deal. I was reading this post by one of my friends on Saturday or Sunday and it kinda hit home.

Yahoo! 360° - Share My World - I got a Question:

…it's not a joke out there, and if U dont try to get your piece of the pie then U are bound to starve, and if U got kids Im pretty sure U want to keep their belly's full.  Speaking for myself, Im not a 9-5 kinda person. I cannot work for, I have to work with, or for myself.[sic]

For some time I have been thinking about starting my own biz. For a few years now. I always let stuff get in my way. Her blast kinda sums that up too:

U can achieve what U want if U step out of your own way!![sic]

I have been meeting people all over the place who feel that the place and time are "here and now." I will be working with some in the short and long term. Others are yet to discover me, the others or themselves for that matter. More on me later…

Back to her… She has a site, check it out: http://www.blueavenueonline.com/. She is also trying to get this networking thing going, so holla at her via her 360º page.