Friday, December 31, 2004

azuredreams: friends

azuredreams: friends

:) this post is about me. i thank the "friend" for her concern. sometimes, i feel she cares too much. i know she definitely looks too much into how i feel. i seem down when things are not as they should be. right now i'm unemployed, running out of money... i'm looking for a job, but shit gets tight. my only real concern is not being able to provide for my son. that shit scares me to death.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

you said...

first of i needed to update some of the info from dec 22, '04 post. i did get to spend x-mas with my lil' boy. while it did not come off the way i wished it could, i was able to take him and his sister, dooney to the movies on x-mas eve. we saw lemony snicket's "a series of unfortunate events," funny, funny. jim carrey did it again. not his funniest, but this is the first kids movie i was able to stay up for in years.

now i want to clear up some shit. all the people who wanna bitch about not being mentioned in on these pages. if u don't fall under the categories listed after the few names shouted, fuck you, get over it. if you do qualify as one of the people in my corner, then i love you, but u still need to get over it. if that's not enough, have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up!!!

here's the deal tho... i been feeling like shit lately, not necessarily feeling sorry for myself, but i feel alone. i feel like there are few people in my corner and some of those people are only there when it comes in handy. i tried to talk about it, but i got shut down. i know you are probably tired of hearing about my issues, but i never got tired of hearing about yours. we always been there for each other, and i know that will probably always be the case. this doesn't change that we are distant. i love you. you said you'd never leave me all alone, you said you'd always be there.

what happened? i was expecting us to take our last walks together. we weren't ever gonna be married but we promised, 'til death do us part.

even my family is consorting with my enemies... i mean what the fuck. y'all keep coming sideways. i'm coming with the guillotine. get the fuckin' choppin' block ready.

and you, you said you wanted to be there, you said you'd never leave me, where are you?

what's really on the mind of key?

i wrote this piece on behalf of my best friend and x. it's pretty accurate, only slightly exaggerated. she has like 2 other things on her mind. btw, i wanted to say congrats on the new job.

on the mind of key: what's really on the mind of key?

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

merry x-mas

apnea -lithium picnic/mandy tree

merry f'n x-mas to you and yours.

this is my first year without him and the first year i don't have a gift for him. this is my very first christmas completely alone.

no family, no friends... just me, "alone, in the dark." that's just me lately. me, my "powerbook," my television and the 4 walls of "the cell."

special shout to my son, his sister, my siblings, andy and gina, phyllis and rachid (igt marketing), my mother, "key, you used to be able to open my lock," geo, karriem, devin, carlos, danny, james, roman, steve, bb, "pooh" and kiara, cantrella, dori, all the people who love me, care for me, believe in me, stand by me, encourage me. my friends, family, associates and all those who blur the lines, all on the ends and in between. some of you will not be there in the coming year, i appreciate you anyway.

my enemies... f*** you, i'm coming, see you very soon.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

the cell

my cell looks like shit. i finally decided to clean it, come out of my depressive state. it's like 8.9 x 6.5 x 8(?, never measured the height or depth or whatever). it's small but i have a problem keeping it organized. i guess i have nowhere to put stuff.

i moved in with my mom after i lost my job in july. my brother wanted me here so he gave up the cell. i didn't have any space or privacy where i was living before. but that's all behind me. i am at rock bottom right now, only one way to go, right.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

firefox congratulations

10,000,000 Downloads/Nov 9 - Dec 11/2004

just wanted to congratulate firefox on making 10,000,000 downloads in just over a month.

in my opinion, it is the "faster, safer, better" alternative to internet explorer.

on the right is my support for the browser i've come to know and love. in fact i will not use ie for anything other than windows update. since i'm a mac user, that's almost never.

anyway people, jump on it. you too will "rediscover the web."

Monday, December 06, 2004

getting over it

why is it that people expect to do unto you, but not for you to do unto them?

all i really have to say is, if you are going to fuck with me or make like you don't need me, expect to get fucked with back or get ready for a life without me.

this is for all those that slept -- fuck you!!!

Saturday, December 04, 2004

cyn

thursday, december 2nd: my day began at midnight. i was waiting for my friend "cyn." despite previous requests for some alone time. she finally granted me the audience i desired for so long.

i went to shower about 12:30am. i was like "fuck," there's no hot water. i walked around for a minute, finally got in about a quarter to. had to make this shit brief, i hate cold water. washed the most sensitive parts, you know the parts i hoped would receive special attention. got out, dried off, waited for the call from the train station.

1:41am: call received. went to the train station to pick her up. cyn, she's 5'2" and just thick enough. when i saw her she was wearing grey sweatpants and a black jacket. the pants, i found out later was rolled up at the waist band 3 times so that it was up against her magic box and just tight enough on her ass. her ponytail fell just short of 36&qout;, with blonde streaks. she had french tips with her own nails just as long underneath. and she had a nice lil' booty.

when we got back to my crib it was about 2. we both had been waiting for this moment for a minute. i had her walk up the stairs ahead of me so that i could admire her packaging. when she took off her jacket, honey was wearing a tight tank top with that "snuggle" motherfucker from the fabric softner of the same name.

at first cyn wouldn't let me kiss her, not her neck, not her lips, no nibling on her ear. i had my hand in her pants by 2:07, she was so wet -- i don't ever recall anywone being so wet before i went down on them, i know the time because my cell rung. it was my ex (being nosey) asking the mad questions. i kept it short so that i could keep it going. anyway, we finally begin to kiss and i'm sucking on her titties, which were fucking amazing.

they had the pretty lil' pinkish nipples and as far as breasts go they weren't large, but they weren't small, they were a little more than a hand full. they were shaped like grapes and sooooooo soft, i mean damn.

by this time, i'm open. i need to see more. i begin to pull off her sweatpants. she protested a little bit. then she slid them off herself, then her lil' cream colored thongs that read "devil" in red.

i dived in. can we say pink cookies? ummmmmm, ummmmmm... good.

suffering...

and as it ended, so it must begin… in tears…

i keep hearing in different ways that things must end so that they can begin and there can be no begining without an ending and vice versa. i don't know how true this is, but i do understand it.

i must have died every minute of every hour of every day since july 28, 2002. that was the day destiny moved away. i am not one to cry, let alone for a female… but the loss, emptiness and pain i felt was unbearable.

few things in my lifetime have caused me to be affraid, but loneliness… i don’t know… that and being without my son.

but it's time to take that deep breath and keep it movin'.