LOL

I spent the greater part of this morning kicking people off my phone because it was dying. I just remembered that I can charge it through my computer. Sorry guys.

Before and After

Scruffy, originally uploaded by Dramatic. This is the last picture I took before my birthday. Don't I look kinda gross, LOL, everyone likes the facial hair tho. I don't it's not me.

My Birthday, originally uploaded by Dramatic. These are the pictures I took this morning. They are the after shots to the previous one. Which ones looks better, the one with the beard or the ones without?

Dating Again

I haven't dated anyone in 3 years, yesterday, since Destiny left. Recently, I've been interested in several people to varying degrees.

Two of these ladies I met through M!ck3y, Geoconda and Cyre, both are her cousins. She began an introduction to Geo about a month and a half ago, but I met Cyre first. She had always talked about Cyre because she visits her on a regular basis in Jersey. When I saw her for the first time she was nothing special. Cyre just came to the door, stood about ten (10) feet away from the the door and waved, then scurried off. She explained that she wasn't in any condition to meet anyone. Like two (2) days later we went to the Apple Store for my external Firewire drive when the internal drive began to fail.

The day began when M!ck3y got out of church, she looks so cute in her skirts, like such a lady. Cyre was along, she wanted to see me and so forth, I wanted to see her too, not gonna front. She had this scowl nearly the whole time, she smiled a little bit before we reached our destination. When she's frowning, you can't look at her too long. To describe her expression accurately, you have to find a word worst than ugly. When she smiles, on the other hand, she could light the fireplace in the next house. When we got to Manhattan Mall she snapped at M!ck3y, for no reason at all. I made her laugh and smile a bit and told her she was there because I asked M!ck3y to bring her. We talked a bit, she asked questions about sex, and so on.

Fast forward… Miscellaneous phone conversations… Instant messenger sessions… Play… Like two days later we were hanging out at I guess my sister's and I place with M!ck3y. The evil face was in effect. I got mad because she hit me hard. If she had been smiling at the time I might not have taken it as a threat. When I stopped playing with her she got all affectionate, wanting to pet me and hold me. I liked her laying her head in my chest and wrapping her arms around me. The cutest moment was when she looked at me with a frown and forced herself to smile.

Fast forward… An uneasy silence… Renewed interest… Play… She said she had not tried to contact me because she thought that I did not want to speak to her. She thought that I was mad about how she'd acted the week prior. Anyway on Wednesday, of that week, M!ck3y asked if I could go to Key Food with her and Cyre. I was talking to M!ck3y and ignoring Cyre, I just felt it was better left alone. She was not having that. She was playing with me, touching me… Then M!ck3y jumped on my back, she wanted a ride, but she was too tall and could not get a up high enough on my back so her legs were restricting my movements. Cyre was quite a bit easier, she was a little lighter. The difference was in her positioning. She was shorter, like 4'11". Because her legs, when wrapped around me, were resting on my hips. She held on to me tight like she did the week before and just laid there. Then she wanted to ride the other way which was a lot easier and more appealing to me. She laid her head on my chest, we kissed a bit, I got to hold her near perfect ass to support her. We got to talk a little bit, mostly she just stared me.

Why is it when you ignore a woman, she gives you so much attention and when you show her attention she makes you chase?

The next day M!ck3y treated us and my little brother, Daivon, to pizza. Daivon is closest to her in age and invited him so that she wouldn't feel out of place. We had mad fun that night. I folded a dollar in the shape of a heart and wrote my number on it for Cyre. It was her dollar, but I knew she couldn't spend it after I did that. I got a nice little kiss and a hug. We've spoken on the phone a couple of times, nothing major.

Geo on the other hand, was a big let down. I don't like indecisive women, even tho it' the natural state of being for most. Sometimes it's cute, but this wasn't one of them. Without getting too into detail… After assuring me over and over again that she and her X and best friend were done, why aren't we exploring each other further? She swore it was done. I knew different. Problem is, even tho we never met physically, I really believe she could have been the one. I know M!ck3y was advising her as to what to say, how to approach me and proper "Dramatic" etiquette. The point is she tried and she was excited about me. I would have liked to get to know her, better. She said she wants to be friends and still get to know each other. I don't see this working.

Anyway, with the two mentioned above, Stephanie from the previous post ad the "normal" attention I usually get, I think I will resume dating.

What does it really mean when a female says they just want to be friends?

My Birthday Weekend

It's been a hot minute since I posted. So much has happened since my last post. I'm not sure where to begin, maybe from the beginning to the present or I could work my way back or maybe just pick out things as I remember it. In any event I'll work through it in the coming posts. Let's celebrate, it's my birthday, bitches. 

This weekend I am spending some time with M!ck3y. She has become an integral part of my sanity. So we are hanging out tomorrow and some part of Sunday.

Sunday night hopefully I get to spend that with Stephanie, my newest boo. We are just friends, but she's one of few that just plain likes me. She's not the type of female I usually go for. Stephanie is 5'4", slimmer than I find myself with, I'd say she's about 140lbs. She's dark-skinned and buxom. She was born in Haiti. This is not something I usually desire. I try to stay away from Haitian girls because if something was to go wrong her family blames the person she was with. I know this both from experience with them and from my own family. I told her this and she agreed.

Her friend Ozlyn is mad cool too. She told me that when Stephanie first saw me she was like "I think I like him." Then the next time she saw me she was like "I know I like him," Ozlyn said "I know, you told me yesterday." She said "No, I said I think, now I know I like him." Well that's it as close as I remember.

I met her Sunday, we spent Wednesday night together. We were just talking all night and playing, touching and so on. We were together until late Thursday. I just enjoyed being with her. Her birthday was Tuesday the 26^th, we are both leos so I expect some fireworks.

I wonder why it is when you tell a female that nothing happened, they don't believe you, but if it were them they'd expect you to.

Relationships 7/18/05

No, means no!

Relationships are like bread, you eat one then have another slice.

Cult of the Vagina

cult of The Vagina, originally uploaded by DrJoanne. Vagina trivia: Vagina dentata is Latin for toothed vagina. The myth of the vagina dentata in the Western world was popularized chiefly by Sigmund Freud, who found that it neatly meshed with his theories concerning castration anxiety.

Freud bestowed this name on the phenomenon, inspired by a number of legends about women with vaginas which were supposed to contain teeth or other weapons, and with which they were supposed to be able to murder or castrate their sexual partners. The motif is contained in a number of myths from Asia, especially Southeast Asia, where various sorts of penis panic are endemic.

Barbara Walker has speculated that this myth gave rise to the depiction of the opening of Hell as a giant mouth in medieval Europe. The tale is frequently told as a cautionary tale warning of the dangers of sex with strange women.

-from Wikipedia

Dr. Joanne is F'n amazing. Like in some of my art, I hope to someday capture the magic found in here pictures.

Fundamentally Loathsome

Update:

The Tundra post has been retitled. It has been brought to my attention that that is a picture of Crater Lake in Oregon. I just had the picture for years. It was a place I wanted to be. Quiet, pieceful, different. Thanks Colleen.

Shoot myself to love you,
If I loved myself I'd be shooting you

My capacity for emotion is being stretched. I'm starting to see patterns in certain situations. I only get to speak to Cyn when there is a possibility of sex.

It's summer time and most of my relationships started or ended during the summer or at least most of the more important moments took place in the summer.

A lot of people think I'm a tyrant. No one knows about the hurt, the cheating, the lies.

I never cared until now, either that, or I suppressed it until now and it's catching up to me.

Crater Lake (?)

It gets so hot, sometimes I wish I was here. 

July, Chapter 3.5

OK, OK, OK…

Never made it to the Apple Store. I needed my Mom's Metrocard and she had already left before I got out the house. I ended up chilling at her house all day waiting for her to come home in the comfort of the AC.

I'm bored as hell. Mickey is going away for the weekend. I have no food, no money. Did I mention I was bored?

Anyway, I may have judged Cyre, the bitchy cousin, wrong. I found yesterday that she is pretty cool, just scared. She been being hurt for a long time and only recently realized it. A lot of us can identify with that. I'm not rationalizing her behavior, she really acted up. All I am saying is that she's a better person than I gave her credit for.

Tazhy… I do not understand her. Spent months saying she doesn't like Alex, sometimes even spazzing. A week or two ago she was all into him. Now she doesn't like him again. Make up your damn mind!

Destiny has been calling me. Well she called several times over the last couple of days. The first time I told her I was on another call. I wouldn't answer her calls today.

Enough, enough, enough… Here's a picture from the walk M!ck3y and I took around the park the other day.

A Walk Around the Park 1, originally uploaded by Dramatic. M!ck3y and I at Prospect Park West while walking around the park.

July, Chapter 3

I am holding together pretty well this July.

This will be my last post from my Powerbook for at least a week. I am taking it in to the Apple Store in SoHo for for my hard drive to be replaced. I don't know how I'm going to get along without it. I spend so much time on it. I have a few projects I need to get done as well. I am working on a few things for IGT, a couple of brochures, a logo, their site...

Anyway, M!ck3y is going away this weekend and she came to say bye. I am trying to leave for the Apple Store as she leaves for the gym.

Roulette

People make challenges and dare me, they forget I have nothing left to lose. They say lightning doesn't strike twice, let's spin the chamber and find out.

Are you up for the challenge or the outcome?

M!ck3y/Dramatic Saga, chapitre 1

Why was M!ck3y talking behind my back? Why wasn't she telling me how she felt? Why did I have to read Tazhy's blog to find out the truth?

I am kinda hurt. She hated me. She wanted me dead. She didn't want to be there anymore. She said Tazhy was saying those things, which I could have understood.

If my friends can't be real with me, what's the point? This is why I have so few now and it looks like soon I'll be thinning the herd some more.

I always told them "What's in the dark always comes into the light!" If you can say something behind someones back, you should be able to say it to their face. I can put anything on my blog because I know they'll read, I don't hide anything from them. I leave the door open for then to say anything to me too.

Well it seemed she wanted to learn from me. I wanted to teach her all that I had to offer that was good. I guess this is another way in which I failed.

M!ck3y/Dramatic – The Saga

It began, so it continues. The Premies have affectionately named the friendship between M!ck3y and I.

To My Best Friend

Today, I spent the day with, as Tazhy would say, my BFF. We went for a walk around Prospect Park sans her bitchy cousin. We talked about nothing, we played, just plain had a good old time all day.

Getting Worse

Just when I think I'm at bottom and can go no lower, something happens that just kicks my ass, hard.

The hard drive on my PowerBook is failing. When I found out I was almost in tears. I think my shell is hardening again because they just would not fall. Either that, or I've given up.

Then today I had the biggest argument I ever had with M!ck3y. She was pissing me the fuck off. She kept asking me what't wrong. My life is shit, that's how it is, that's how it's been and that's how it's going to be, at least for a little while.

Lonely

I have come to the realization today that I am seriously meant to be alone. My new friend, M!ck3y's cousin,s made it clear that it just wasn't happening. I have never tried so hard to make a female feel comfortable around me, it was always something that just was.

Leo, July 23 - August 22

Leo is the fifth Sign of the Zodiac. These folks are impossible to miss, since they love being center stage. Making an impression is Job One for Leos, and when you consider their personal magnetism, you see the job is quite easy. Leos are an ambitious lot, and their strength of purpose allows them to accomplish a great deal. The fact that these folks are also creative makes their endeavors fun for them and everyone else. It's quite common to see a Leo on stage or in Hollywood, since these folks never shy away from the limelight. They are also supremely talented and have a flair for the dramatic. Warmth and enthusiasm seems to seep from every Leo pore, making these folks a pleasure to be around. They do love pleasure!

It's the Lion which symbolizes Leos, and the king (or queen) of the jungle is a most appropriate mascot, since these folks consider themselves the rulers of their universe (and the Zodiac at that). Like Lions, Leos tend to be dignified and strong, and it is this sense of their power which allows them to get things done. A Leo on your team is a good thing, since Lions are eager to see their projects through to completion. Putting these folks at the helm is a good thing, too, since the Leo-born are natural leaders. They may ruffle a few feathers along the way, however, since they can also be overbearing and somewhat autocratic. This may be in keeping with the Fixed Quality assigned to this Sign -- Lions are indeed opinionated and set in their ways. That said, they are well organized, idealistic and have a knack for inspiring others.

M!ck3y

I am so thankful for her.

This Morning…

I woke up and decided to engage in some cleaning I have been putting off.

I started with a couple of email accounts I had all but abandoned. I added all my contacts in that address book to my safe list, which allows me to accept messages only from those addresses I add to the list. I'm pretty sure I got the majority of my mailing list subscriptions and personal contacts. I sent emails to the people I haven't communicated with in a while, for some it's been years. I deleted some others. I am not finished. I'm going to give it another week or two to a month before I turn the safe list on, so that I can make sure as many people as possible make it to the list.

I started cleaning the kitchen. Dishes, miscellaneous garbage… Too bad I have to do it in sections. It's taking a while because the space I have to do the dished is small and it's not a lot of stuff, but it's too much stuff for the space I have to work with. There was a weeks worth of dishes and pots one of which was developing it's own ecosystem. The pots are soaking in some dish detergent. I haven't washed them yet because the plates and stuff aren't dry yet. I don't have a cloth to dry them with either.

Then I have my sister's rugrats running around. They really are rugrats, in the worse sense of the term. Today they are being relatively mild.

I'm trying to keep my mind occupied before I lose it, completely. Going back to what I was doing. I'll be back in a while.

Y?

Are they all hypocrites and liars?

July, Chapter 2

I don't know anymore. People have tried for so long to get me to open up, then when I need someone, no one is there. This is the second night, I can't take it anymore. Fortunately, I don't have to hide that I'm crying, there's nobody around.

I've been busting my ass looking for a job. Temp agencies are not calling me back. The on I'm registered with will not place me. Fast food and retail won't hire me. It's not like if I get any calls I can go anywhere, I don't have any carfare. I really feel like shit. All I can do now is cry.

I'm lonely, I don't even have anyone to talk to on the level I need to right now. I need someone just to lay with. I'm desperate for affection, friendship, anything remotely resembling a relationship.

I got dressed today and did nothing. I sat in the house all day. I been up since like eight (8). I barely have the will to live.

I hadn't eaten, up until half hour ago, for almost five and a half days. Mickey sent me six dollars and I can't even finish what I bought. Nowadays when I eat I get sick. I can only assume it's because I don't eat regularly.

Then on top of it all, no one understands me. Or no one cares. I don't know. I think I'm still afraid, in some ways, of being alone.

I'm used to the odds being stacked against me, it just seems like this is the time I'm going to lose.

Still Missing Tazhy

Tazhy's July 7^th post

We Still Miss Tazhy!, originally uploaded by reign4aday.

Tazhy mentioned Mickey and I in her post this morning. I do still miss her. She just makes everything lighter. Here is the clip from her post:

…to mickey and dramatic, who i would have gone crazy without (not that i'm exactly sane now). they have been there 4 like ever, even though its actually only been 6 months for one and 18 months for the other. i honestly think that they would do anything to see me happy, as long as its for my own good. (guess i didnt read the fine print. half the things that i want or that i think would make me happy are bad for me. lol) they help me get through anything and I LOVE YOU GUYZ!

I know Mickey gets jealous when I say I miss Tazhy so I will mention her too, get over it!!! 

 

2 Lighten the mood

SA03072005, originally uploaded by Dramatic. I got this in an email.

July

Last night I went to sleep just after the half of the second episode of Mobile Suit Gundam Wing: Operation 1. I thing the name was The Gundam Deathscythe. It's the one where Heero meets Duo for the first time.

I woke up not feeling too good. Physically, I'm fine. I always get depressed around this time of year. It just seems like the type of "Oh my fucking God! I'm going to slit my fucking wrists soon," type of feeling. You know the feeling that the only place for you is in hell.

I got up and put as much of my laundry together as would fit in my laundry bag. Mickey came, without calling. My sister and Mickey asking me "What's the matter?" I asked Mickey if she'd go to the laundry with me, she agreed. Today was the first time since Destiny left me, three (3) years on the 28^th, that I cried. I got up and went into the kitchen, no one saw me. It lasted seconds. I expect more. By my birthday I expect to drown in them, my tears I mean.

I ended up going alone. I am alone. Destiny told me once that I would die alone. She wasn't the first to tell me the and not the last, but it meant a lot more coming from her. At the time, it meant that she and I wouldn't be together. Here I am, I haven't been with anyone since she left, emotionally anyway. Even when I tried, like with Cynhia, it just seems it wasn't meant to happen.

I'm back now. I'm beating back my tears as I write. I always thought it was funny that I, the "Big Bad," could cry. People who have seen me might have thought it was about them, but it was about me being alone. I even answered my phone, it wasn't even for me, Mickey was asking for Darrell.

independence day: just after

independence day: just after, originally uploaded by sheeshoo. photo by ben, age 11

how i celebrated independence day. with a permanent promise to myself: to live without regret, to be true to myself, to not be afraid to acknowledge and find what i need. - sheeshoo

It reads "I regret nothing." Words I used to live by. Time to remember…

Independence Day

fireworks.184.1.650, originally uploaded by Dramatic. graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2005/07/04/nyregion/firework... The West Side was backlighted on Monday night by the fireworks over the East River, easily visible from west of the Hudson in Weehawken, N.J.

fireworks.slideone, originally uploaded by Dramatic. graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2005/07/04/national/firework... The West Side of Manhattan was backlighted by the fireworks over the East River, easily visible from west of the Hudson in Weehawken, N.J.

fourth.slide.09, originally uploaded by Dramatic. graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2005/07/04/national/fourth.s... Fireworks seen from the south tip of Roosevelt Island, N.Y.

These images are copyrighted © and owned by the new york times.

Happy 4^th NYC!

The Cumming

Coming, originally uploaded by DrJoanne.

This photograph just caught me. I was looking up random tags as I would normally put random keywords in the address field of my browser and I came across it.

Just got me thinking about all the stuff me and Destiny, Kyonna, or any of a number of my friends. As a slight Bondage/S&M fetishist, I found it to be quite sexy. Hmmm! Imagining Destiny in that scenario… That's art!

I miss the biting, choking, slapping, being bitten, choked, clawed and slapped. I miss wrapping her hair around my fingers while I… Or tearing each others clothes completely off because she and I gave into our more basic desires. I miss getting it in the park, on the roof, in the stair well, the basement, the attic, the kitchen, the restroom at TGI Friday's, or the movies. I can't begin to tell you how many movies I went to see but missed most of.

I need to find someone less inhibited. Sex seems to be getting more and more routine.

To All The Haters

21563414.img, originally uploaded by reign4aday. userimages.hi5.com/userpics/414/215/21563414.img.jpg