Interests

Interests, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

These are some of the interests of a person I think very well of. It just happened to amuse me today. I might have seen it before but paid it no mind. It was just funny that I fit at least one of those categories.

Unhappy

♫ Aaliyah
I can be
Aaliyah

I know the quote below has nothing to do with the song I am listening to. The song just happens to be on, the quote is about what I'm feeling.

I'm out here
By myself, all alone
Ready to blow my head off!
I hurt so bad inside
I wish you could see the world through my eyes
Each day is the same
I just wanna laugh again

Interestingly enough, I have just come to the conclusion that I am extremely unhappy. I am trying to pinpoint exactly what it is to no avail.

Maybe it's because Valentine's Day is coming up. I certainly do rue being alone. Or maybe it's because I am still unemployed. I am kinda moving forward but standing still. Right now I am feeling really unmotivated and unproductive.

I started reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Hopefully I get something out of it. Oh yeah, I should publicly thank Janelle. She purchased it from my Amazon wish list, since Mr. Deon is a broke ass. Thank you!

Hypochondria

Apparently, I have developed a severe case of it. I hope so, because the way I'm feeling isn't right. I am going to keep a journal of everything I am feeling.

Ugly 2.0

Remember the ugly kid in school, the one nobody wanted to get next to. As if ugly was contagious. I met someone, about a year ago, that was so ugly she could make an onion cry. She looks like young Shaka Zulu when he was mad, but all the time. Damn y'all, she put a pain in my heart that felt like I was watching the Holocaust from the inside. I used to liken her looks to a crime against mankind.

But I'm not here to talk about this type of ugly. I want to discuss a new kind of ugly. Even greater than the ancient ugly, the one born in people's hearts. This one is so strong that you can see on the outside. The kind of ugly that cause people to kick others while they are down. The kind of ugly that makes people steal other people's pictures and post them as their own.

Recently I was conned. I was tricked into helping someone take advantage of me. It seemed as tho she was trying to buy my affection, which I actually warned her against. I don't want to get into the details of the scam she ran on me but it took her months to wear me down. Karma is the first born son of a bitch. There is a special place in hell for you.

That being said… I am considering posting her email address and her 360º page. Even tho she may be able to change them pretty quickly, at least she'll get harassed a little bit. I am still weighing it. Altho the punishment is not commensurate with the crime at the moment, I still have to look out for my own energies and try to stay on the "right path."

This added stress may be attributed to my current physical condition. It has also served to close my heart just a little bit more.

My Rays of Sunshine

Valentine's Day is fast approaching and it just dawned on me… This will be my forth consecutive Valentine's alone. No one to share a quiet moment with. Not even someone who I know will be thinking of me in another place. Which brings me to the people who have been my friends and helped me clear away some of the cobwebs.

Tiffany, Tonya, Mickey, Janelle, Dahnaysha, Alanna, my kids and my newest friend Ebony. Y'all give me reason's to smile more often than not. From this point on you will be known as "My Rays of Sunshine." You offer me a big of hope in my otherwise hopeless existence.

Unknown Comment

Before I got into anything else, I wanted to address a comment I received on my She's got a question post. It's the first comment. I am not upset by this comment. I do talk a lot, sometimes. To directly reply, I am doing. I am just not doing on the level I feel I should be. Additionally, what's up with the anonymous or in this case "Unknown" comment. If you going to say something, reveal yourself. If you are an enemy let me know who you are, so I know who I'm smiling at when I step over you. If you're a friend, we can do the "You got my back, I got my front" deal.

Related: Anonymous Comments

Personnel Changes

There are about to be some in my life soon. I am putting all of y'all on notice (You know who I'm talking to). Especially if I have to get "Mailbox almost full" and 13 of 16 messages are from the same person. This constitutes a problem.

She's got a Question

Everyone who knows me or has been getting to know me knows that I have been dealing in the space of "self" for a lil while now. I'm about self-improvement, self-development and self-promotion. Moving forward, not backward. Everything I have done since the first, except for getting sick, has been with the purpose of moving to that next level.

Ok, so here's the deal. I was reading this post by one of my friends on Saturday or Sunday and it kinda hit home.

Yahoo! 360° - Share My World - I got a Question:

…it's not a joke out there, and if U dont try to get your piece of the pie then U are bound to starve, and if U got kids Im pretty sure U want to keep their belly's full.  Speaking for myself, Im not a 9-5 kinda person. I cannot work for, I have to work with, or for myself.[sic]

For some time I have been thinking about starting my own biz. For a few years now. I always let stuff get in my way. Her blast kinda sums that up too:

U can achieve what U want if U step out of your own way!![sic]

I have been meeting people all over the place who feel that the place and time are "here and now." I will be working with some in the short and long term. Others are yet to discover me, the others or themselves for that matter. More on me later…

Back to her… She has a site, check it out: http://www.blueavenueonline.com/. She is also trying to get this networking thing going, so holla at her via her 360º page.

ER

I just got home from the ER about 2 hours ago. I tried to eat and stuff and tried to settle down a bit. Eating was unsuccessful. I just couldn't down the hero which was quite good. I just started feeling sicker.

My first visit to the emergency room in like 5 years was wild, to say the least. There was like one doctor per shift. One nurse mixed up all of the charts. I met a really cute med student doing intake. She was short, light-skinned, wearing blue scrubs and had a pony tail. She wiped the tears from my eyes and rubbed my cheek. She was convinced she knew me.

I only found out what I had known all along. My stress is manifesting itself as physical illness. The worst of it is my headaches and high blood pressure are back. I haven't had a problem with these since I was 8 or 10.

5.6 lbs

I have lost 5.6 lbs towards this goal. I am so proud of myself. I need to keep it up tho.

I have 4.4 to go within this mark.

See more progress on: Lose 10 pounds

303

As of this morning, I have lost 5.6 lbs. I am hoping to lose about 10 per month for the next 5 months to get to my goal weight of 250 lbs.

Don’t want to lose anymore than that. It just wouldn’t look right or feel right for that matter. You ladies seem to like me cuddly and all, so I will just focus on getting healthier and stronger.

Thank you for the support.

See more progress on: lose 5 pounds

Scratch that...

The person whose situation I thought I had brought some light to. She seems like she is going to fall into the same traps. Forget it. I guess my faith in her was misplaced.

To all the people who feel I have touched their lives or set them on the right path. I thank you. Your faith in me has helped me be a better man too.

See more progress on: impact someone's life, positively

307.2

A minor accomplishment, I know. Let’s shoot for 5 lbs more by next Friday.

See more progress on: lose 5 pounds

Thank You Sooo Much!

Me chatting, originally uploaded by Dramatic. I'm looking at my Powerbook screen, getting some sweet messages from all of y'all.

I wanted to thank you guys today. Y'all made me smile. I was feeling down, because I was a lil' sick. Some of the comments I have been getting are like:

My life is better with you in it, I can say that even though I dont know you, but I like talking to you, and always look forward to hearing from you.

I dont think you need to lose weight either...

National Body Challenge

This is no real measure, but I can no longer wear my jeans without a belt. I might have passed this goal but I will not mark it off until my next weigh in.

This past weekend I joined the National Body Challenge. I might not be able to follow the meal plans because my eating habits are closely related to my schedule. I will take advantage of whatever else they have to offer there.

See more progress on: lose 5 pounds

LOL, Creating confusion?

I recently learned that the best way to get by is to show my strengths when I am most helpless and to act helpless when I am at my strongest.

This time around I can’t let them know that I know or let them know that I’m doing something. It benefits me for them to think I’m lazy and that I don’t want to do anything. At least for the time being.

Fate

Achieve tranquility through movement.
Integrate spirit and flesh.
From strength learn gentleness.
Through gentleness, strength will prevail.

See more progress on: confuse the right people

Ick, This Week

I had a couple of setbacks on this goal as well this week. I have been eating food non-conducive to my weight loss plan. I had an albeit grilled double cheeseburger and cheese fries and on another day I had a “Crispy Chicken Club” with fries from McDonald’s and some fried chicken wings at my brother’s birthday get together. This I think is related to my slowdown.

I have been really tired this week. I slept all day (today is Saturday, January 21, 2006). I guess since I didn’t wake with a headache, my body needed the sleep. I can say, however, that on the day I had the cheeseburger and fries it was all I had that day.

Subway is becoming my best friend. It’s filling and cheap with the calories and pretty easy on the pockets.

I am hoping to get weighed again tomorrow or Monday. I could be wrong but I still feel like I’m losing. My clothes just feel baggier and I feel a little healthier. Aside from being so tired, when I’m up, I’m up.

See more progress on: lose 5 pounds

The Sunshine...

(written Saturday, January 21, 2006)

I think this goal needs a little bit of clarification. I mean I’ve talked about waking up while the sun is still out. This goal is about me being more productive.

The darkness… Last year wasn’t very productive for me. I did not do much of anything but wait and feel sorry. I can feel the darkness dragging me down. I have made reference to the darkness before. In my life, the darkness wasn’t always bad, but I let it consume me. I let it take away my sunshine. I let it take away who I was.

I was… I let myself become passive. The wait and see thing was never a me thing. I am quiet—I think the term tacit sums up who I am better. My attitude was more “Like it, see it, cop it.” Simply if I wanted it, I’d get it. If I needed money, all I had to do was to facilitate a situation to make some. If I saw that female that made me say “WOW,” I’d make her mine, my friend, my lover, my girl… You get the picture.

The light… I woke up on New Year’s day feeling renewed. I hadn’t felt that good all of last year. It was as tho, daily, I had been losing myself bit by bit, just slipping away. This past week was unproductive for me. It just seemed as tho no matter how right what I was doing was, everything went wrong. Here’s the good thing about this week. The norm had become “Tomorrow is another day,” or “I can do it next week.” That is unacceptable for me now. This week I was ticked because I didn’t get to celebrate any of my little triumphs.

Here’s to personal productivity. Since I didn’t have any little victories this week. Next week I need twice as many. I am not going to overwhelm myself. I am going to take care of all the things I didn’t this week and then other little things that need doing.

For me “Being reborn into the sunshine” is about doing things and being productive.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

Barry's Birthday

First off, I don't like Barry. He's an asshole. He's M!ckey's older brother and my brother's best friend. Today is his 18th birthday. He hits her, teases her... I get so mad sometimes, I can protect her on the streets but I can't protect her from family.

I think he's beneath my brother. He has one of those duplicitous personalities I have blogged about previously. He plays friend, then tries to hit on his girlfriends. Sometimes I wonder if my brother's an idiot or could it be that he's just letting him dig a ditch.

Anyway, my youngest brother who is also friends with him, I guess, was just uninvited to his birthday dinner. If I was Darrell, I would have been like fuck this shit, I'm out. He stayed and is letting his little brother come home alone. As a brother it's bad form. You don't let anything come between y'all.

Today...

...My most unproductive day so far this year. I don’t intend to have too many of these.

The day started at 9:55am, I had an appointment at 10. I still went and was turned away. I tried to reschedule while I was there but the Coordinator was unavailable. Tried calling until the close of business, still no dice.

I do have another appointment tomorrow evening tho. This is, potentially, a huge opportunity for me. Cross your fingers.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

Feels like...

I am losing weight, I think. My clothes are consistently getting looser.

Today wasn’t just bad for me productively, but also I had McDonald’s and I don’t mean a salad and some fried chicken. Minor setback.

See more progress on: lose 5 pounds

360º

Yahoo! 360° - MissDumplin's Profile:

The dreams, aspirations, determination and drive of those before us allow us to live as we do today.

Ok, I have been having a lot of fun on 360º these days. I've even found someone on there who makes my heart skip beats. Found some pleasant conversation, people who are interested in my story and people who need for me to hear theirs.

One in particular, is very special to me. We talk nearly everyday. She has been posting our conversations lately. It's nice that I'm making her think about things. She's really sweet or that's all she's showing me, even tho she maintains it ain't all gravy. In all she makes my days easier to deal with.

There are still the air heads. Air heads are just that. Can't say too much about them.

There are those who just want to add you to build their list. Personally, I don't see the point in having eleventy billion or in the case of Yahoo! 360º, 250 people on your list. Who talks to that many people. Like that "special friend" said, she had seven people on at the time and she was talking to me. Flattered, that I am.

Update: Monday, January 16, 2006

I realized my post wasn't uploaded in it's entirety. I was talking about the people who show their tits asses to get friend and those who will only add people who do it. If you ain't got a brain to back up the beauty, boobies and the booty, you ain't saying shit and yes you count as a Bubble head.

Some of you have been coming here, to my blog. If you are going to leave a comment, don't leave it "Anonymous." You can leave your first name or your 360º name and I will address it accordingly. Your 360º page can be the web page.

By the way, no homo... guys are welcome as friends too. I need to balance my friend list. I am also interested in making friends in the NYC area.

Satan's Crafty Minion

Long Walk Home, originally uploaded by Dramatic. Walking home on Friday the 13th. I was so happy to be getting home and so happy to be playing with my new camera.

Yahoo! 360º - Dramatic's Profile

Today, on 360º, I asked my friends and guests to let me know who they think should be removed from my friends list. I suppose this is the next step from asking them to remove themselves or let me know to remove them. I halved my list in that way. It is really interesting to see the comments I'm getting and who you guys think I should remove. Keep 'em coming!

Update: Monday, January 16, 2006

To be a little more concise... It's more about who you'd remove, not me.

Friday the 13th

Who's superstitious? I am part Haitian and I'm not the least bit superstitious. I love black cats. If a ladder is in my way and I have no easy way around it, I will walk under it. Spilling salt? Who doesn't? Splitting poles, well if it will allow me to get to my destination faster... Why not?

A couple of my favorites are:

• Don't buy a woman underwear, she'll be sleeping with someone else in them.

Well if she's going to sleep with somebody else she gonna do it anyway.

• Don't buy a woman shoes, she'll walk away from you in them.

Appears we are never saying anything they want to hear, so they walk away from us. This cannot be avoided. I dunno, most of mine end up coming back.

What are your superstitions?

By the way, I had a very nice day!

A Fond Memory

After careful thought, I have decided not to detail the events of the night that I spent with Cynthia. Some people are telling me I left them hanging. Honestly, Cyn isn't worth further mention. So this should be the last time. That night was just a fond memory.

Which brings me to another memory. This time it's about Destiny.

The first time Destiny and I really went at it was a rainy night in the spring of 2002. It was May 31st to be exact. Now anyone who knew Destiny and I could tell you that up until that point we were pretty cold. Just wasn't popping like that. We had issues, both within our selves and during the time we were talking, we both were carrying on external relationships.

We went thru about three weeks of not speaking and on April 18th she decided that she only wanted me. She made me promise that I wouldn't retaliate for the things she had put me thru prior and when we parted that morning she was all clingy and in tears. Between that night and the night in May we tried several times to make things happen, but we were never able to complete the deal.

She went to New Jersey the third week in May and came back on the night of the 31st. She came straight to Brooklyn and when she got out of the train station it was pouring. There was a huge thunderstorm this night. She borrowed someone's cell phone to call me. She couldn't figure out which direction to walk to my building. I threw on my Nike windbreaker and walked up the block to the bus stop where she had found shelter. My jacket blowing in the wind. I got her and held her at the waist as we walked under the umbrella home.

She was wearing this champagne colored floral skirt and a nude blouse that was all wet. You could see her nipples thru her top and her booty length hair was curly from the rain. She had on those Steve Madden Wedges that went clack, clack, clack when she walked. When we got upstairs we sat and talked for a minute. I noticed she was uncharacteristically into me on this night. She wanted me to know she got all dressed up for me.

So we are laying in bed, talking and laughing as usual. We were always doing that. So then she moves my hand onto her breast and turns her head the other way so I don't see her blush. I'm laying there acting like I don't know what's going on. Then she turned back real fast to kiss me. Rubbing her Double Ds and rolling her nipples in my fingers seemed to excite her more and more, she was breathing hard and hissing. When I began to move my hand lower she began to writhe. My fingers had been inside her for no more than thirty seconds before she whispered "I want you to fuck me." I ignored her and continued with what I had been doing. Within the next thirty seconds she had pulled me on top of her and demanded "Fuck me, NOW!"

She began to tear off my favorite t-shirt, all the while biting and scratching me. She smacked me and this time screamed "FUCK ME!" This turned me on sooo fucking much. I began to fumble with her bra tearing it in the process.

As I slid home, I let off a sigh of pleasure gripping her nipple between my teeth. She bit harder into my chest and dug her nails deeper into my back. She only let up to shout "FUCK ME HARDER," "DON'T STOP UNTIL I SAY YOU CAN!"

After we finished, we laid there and fell asleep holding each other.

One.org

One.org was born of Live 8 which was phenomenally successful last summer. This is what we helped make the the leaders of the 8 most powerful countries commit to:

• $50 billion more a year in international assistance per year by 2010
• AIDS drugs to all those who need it, and care for all AIDS orphans
• primary schools for ALL children by 2015
• a commitment to protect 85% of vulnerable Africans against malaria
• big investments in peacekeeping and fighting corruption
• debt cancellation for 18 of the world's poorest countries

There is so much more needed to be done to help alleviate the toll that global AIDS and poverty is taking on the people of our planet.

The next step is to give the world's poorest people the opportunity to earn a living and create their own wealth.

At the upcoming world trade talks in Hong Kong world leaders need to hear that we all want them to do the right thing because at the moment these talks aren't going very well. Just as America grew strong and healthy by trading, together as ONE we must ensure that Africa is allowed the opportunity to prosper.

Americans must give these leaders permission to invest just a fraction more of the budget in what we know works, from $5 mosquito nets to drug treatments that cost pennies apiece.

Beating AIDS and extreme, stupid poverty, this is our moon shot. This is our generation's civil rights struggle, our anti-apartheid movement. This is what the history books will remember our generation for — or blame us for, if we fail. We can't afford to fail nor will we.

Already the money generated by Live 8 is doing good.

Over the next few weeks Bush will be making important decisions concerning next year's budget, including how America will address the issues covered in this post. Ask the U.S. to give an additional 1% of our budget over the next 5 years to help keep the promises made at the G8 Summits last year. By contributing "1 more penny" from every dollar we can prevent millions of children from becoming AIDS orphans and see that millions more are educted.

Join the ONE Campaign, sign a letter today asking President Bush to keep his promise.

Weigh Day

Ok, I finally got weighed today. I am 308.6 lbs. I am down from 335 over last summer.

Anyhow, had around 1200 calories today. I had another Grilled Chicken Caesar salad and a foot-long “Savory Turkey and Ham” on Hearty Italian with swiss cheese with lettuce, tomatoes and mayo. I drank my 64 oz of water today and I am having a bit of diet coke.

I started Triple Cleanse today. I know it it helps a little, could be up to 25 lbs stuck up in there or so they say. I know for sure I felt better last year when I started it.

See more progress on: lose 5 pounds

Smiling

I guess being “reborn into the sunshine” meant a little more than just waking up early in the morning. For me it kinda meant shedding my darker withdrawn self.

I am usually quiet and reserved. I try to disappear into the background, no matter where I am or what I’m doing.

Today, I am happy to say, I am happy. I am up front. I am being more open and I guess less humble.

I just need to tone it down a bit. I am too nice right now. Been complimenting women all over the place. I mean it’s all like true, but it’s too much I realize. There is a such thing as too sweet.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

Haven't started yet

I didn’t count on being so busy. I am just trying to get so much stuff together.

With my currently 21 Things—this is just scratching the surface by the way, I have a lot more things I wish to accomplish—I have just been running around alot. I really haven’t gotten to any of my Things.

Anyway, me losing the 5, 10, then 20 lbs is not just that. I am actually trying to begin a process of eating healthier and getting back into the gym. In everything I have ever done, I have learned that it’s not enough or too much to simply say “I’m going to start eating better,” or “I am going to lose weight.” For me there has to be a why and a how. The what is already established, in the “lose weight.” How am I going to lose it? Well I will eat more meals in smaller portions and go to the gym.

I have started eating less, but since I’m busy I also forget to eat. When I finally sit down I sorta binge. I am keeping my caloric intake pretty low, but this is not how I want to do it. I guess this is where the will power kicks in.

I am sure I have lost the five pounds already. I just haven’t had time to get into the gym to weigh myself. How do I know how much I weigh and how much I really want to lose if I haven’t been weighed.

Today I had one of those Grilled Chicken Caesar salads from McDonald’s with Balsamic Vinegrette dressing and I had a chug of my Naked Protein Zone Juice Smoothie, good stuff.

See more progress on: lose 5 pounds

I hated my last job!

I worked at Fed Ex Kinko’s Office and Print Center, the one at Columbus Circle. I didn’t much care for it. I was a Project Coordinator who wore way too many hats. I was over worked and overdrawn. I was the only trained person on my shift but managed to hold it down most of the time.

Over the years I became addicted to the stress. I mean it just became a part of me. It got my blood flowing and I had a purpose. I was strong. I hated it sooo much, but I miss it. I miss being cheered when I walk in for my shift. I missed the relief that washed across everyone’s faces when I came to save the day. I even miss the line of customers at the door that no one else could help or that they were just dropping on me. I miss being able to buy dinner for my entire shift.

While I know that no matter what my next job is, I will not be who I was to that company. I regarded some of those people as family. Some even tho I haven’t been in touch for a while, I still do.

Anyway, I have to do it all over again, eventually. Hopefully, sooner than later. I just found out in order to get a job I have to work backwards. In other words, I must first undo all the bad things that came with not having a job. Like debt, my weight, and over all self-esteme to name a few. A lot of what I feel about not having a job influenced my list.

See more progress on: get a job

Let the Games Begin

Ok, it’s the 1st. Today is the first day of fulfilling my resolutions, including the weight loss resolution.

Right now my primary goal is 20 pounds which I have broken down into smaller goals, 5, 10, then 20 pounds. I was thinking the initial 5 pounds after lost can be done again to meet the 10 pound mark and then the ten can be redone to meet the 20 or the 5 can be done 4 times or any combination that works for you.

The premise is that celebrating completion of the smaller “things” should motivate you to complete the bigger goal.Even tho I usually complete all tasks I set before myself, I have found in most things that I do that if the subject is too broad I will start procrastinating.

Share your thoughts. What works for you?

See more progress on: lose 5 pounds

A story about me

I tried to post this on New Year's day, but 43 People wasn't posting it. I had to post it manually on Saturday, January 7, 2006.

Hmmm! I have never really known how to describe or market myself. In fact on an interview the hardest question, for me, has to be “Sell yourself to me.” If it was as simple as, take a look at what I’ve done or give me a chance, see what I can do. I could be saved much anxiety and stress. I can, however, describe events and my desires in great detail with a little focus. “Tell your story,” that’s one of those sell yourself to me statements. I chose to write this because I thought it a challenge. It would be fitting in this year, my year of challenges.

Life and it’s circle of pain…

To borrow from Styles P, “Life is a circle of pain.” This holds true, for me especially. Growing up pretty much sucked. My sister and I have survived thieves, drug addicts, people trying to hurt us by using the condition of others against us. We grew up by ourselves mostly. I remember braiding her hair as best I could because there was no one else there to do it. I was ward of the state. When my mother started to sober up, I was already grown. I was like 16 and didn’t need someone who didn’t do right to tell me what she felt I was doing wrong.

I was once afraid of change. I tried so hard not to graduate and still did. Once change began to happen, it was welcomed. I had been hustling on the low almost all my life. Whether selling, lending or running, I did it. Not proud of all of it, but I made it happen. I never quit. I never said die. I’ve been shot at and stabbed. My mother cut me on my stomach with the butcher knife she was using to cut some chicken when I was about ten, because when I hugged her she thought I was trying to strangle her. I had no fears. I developed them later.

When I was 19 I found out that I would be a father. I had always wanted a girl. I mean I raised my step daughter up until that point. She may not call me “Daddy,” but she puts no man before me. For me that means more. When I found out she was pregnant, I knew it would be a boy, so that’s what I wanted. This was also the first time I was ever afraid to die. About two weeks later, I broke down. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be a good father.

She and I lasted less than a year after he was born. I tried to make it work.

2005 was the 1st year my primary fear was realized. This is the 1st time, since my son was born, I could not provide for him. He cost me my job in 2004.

My second fear, being alone, was forced on me recently as well. Towards the end of 2004 I noticed that the closest person to me, or so I thought was moving away from me. She swore that this wasn’t the case and when I needed her most she was not there for me. I supported her thru all her trials and in the end it was all in vain. I think it’s funny how when people have nothing they are willing to give their all and when they have somethings they are willing to give nothing. I was never and never will be like that.

Now, as we close 2005 and the most painful chapter in my life, I hope. I, not too long ago, was without hope, faith and will. Oooops, now entering the the New Year, I am full of what I see in my future.

Now ask me, what is it I see before my fist?

Learn more about Dramatic

Happy New Year

Game day is here. Let them begin. I am begging you... Get in my way!

Waking up in the morning?

I need to start in the New Year. For the last week or so I have been doing pretty good. I also want to limit the amount of sleep I get. The more active I become the less sleep I believe I’ll require.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

2005 in review

As my year comes to a close, I’ve decided to just sit back and chill. Ride it out, so to speak.

This year was a failure for me. I feel like I have accomplished nothing, lost everything and felt pains I hope I’ll never feel again.

I lost my job in 2004, which at the time was one of the best things to ever happen to me. In 2005, I found myself hungry and broke. This year, I had all of my material possessions stolen, save for my Powerbook—it was with me. I can’t get a job at this point for reasons out side of my control. The people who I knew to be my friends and had helped in the past turned their backs on me.

2005 also brought into my life M!ckey, who has been my guardian angel every step of the way. So much I owe to her. Her love for me is unconditional. Tazhy came and went. She moved on to newer, more accessible things, like I said she would. It also dropped Stephanie into my lap. Even though she turned out to be a bust—in more ways than one—I am glad to have had that experience.

In all 2005 was a learning experience. I am greatful for that. To all the people who have come into and will remain in my life, thank you and I love you all. I hope 2006 will be better for all of us. To all of you who didn’t have the time or for whom I had no value because I couldn’t do for you… you are probably thinking I am going to say something like “die slow.” I’m not. I hope you find peace, really I do.

All that being said I am going to spend the remaining days of 2005 relaxing and doing whatever I can to prepare for 2006.

Update: Tuesday, December 27, 2005

I came home this morning to find that we had been burglarized again.

Learn more about Dramatic

Our First Time

The first time my “x” and I made love was the night before Labor Day, or rather that morning, at Parade Grounds on Parkside Ave. We weren’t an item yet, but were overcome by the raw physical passion that became the main staple in our relationship.

We were hidden by the darkness and the cover of the trees. Our faces lighted only by the bolts of lightning that streamed across the black sky.

It seemed as the rain fell harder and the thunder and lightning became more frequent, I pumped harder. Her breathing and mine, in tandem and in rhythm with the rain drops.

After that we seemed to do it everywhere. In the movies, in restaurants, on the way to the store, in the train stations and sneaking into the projects near her school between classes. A few times even laying out a blanket on snow or ice.

We were stopped by the police once.

See more progress on: make love in the rain

Hmmm!

I have never been very happy around the holidays. This year looks no different. I was trying, however, to make a conscious effort to be merry this Christmas. Just seemed like M!ck3y and Stephanie were intent on ruining it for me. I'm not going to let them.

I don't really want to get into it but Xmas was always a bad time of the year for me. Going too far back to care anymore. I just seem to still carry all the hurt around.

I started celebrating Christmas when my son was born. I decided that I wasn't going to deprive him of the holiday spirit.

New Years Resolutions

I have decided to use 43 Things to manage my New Year’s resolutions and have invited some friends to meet some of my goals as a team. None of my goals start before January 1, 2006.

I have a few common resolutions in mind. The infamous “Lose Weight” is always a good one. I need to find out how much I weigh first. I want to go down to what at one point seemed my optimal weight of 250lbs, so I’ve set some modest goals to reach that mark and will add as necessary to meet it.

See more progress on: lose 5 pounds

QotD: Message for Santa

htf xmas, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

Tell Santa I'll be waiting for him on Christmas and that N***a better pay what he owe! -Riley, The Boondocks

Last Night, Stephanie

My summer fling, Stephanie came clean to me about a lot of things last night. It kinda goes back to the subject of duplicity. This comes down to dual identities. I think, before I go any further, you should get acquainted or reacquainted with who she is:

1. Stephanie
2. Stephanie, 29 Hours Later
3. Stephanie Is Done

To abbreviate the whole situation… We started fast and ended even quicker. She was special while I was with her but it turns out we both knew we had a short shelf life.

She decided, one day, that she wasn't what I wanted. Her idea of what I wanted was a short thick, light-skinned, red-headed female, who's heavier on the bottom than on top. She also felt that I wasn't into Haitians, which she is and I am composed of, in part.

She jumped ship and into the awaiting arms of some next dude and got pregnant. Then a few weeks after she found out we started talking again. I can't speak for her but I am just trying to be a friend, like M!ck3y asked me to. Now she's calling me more often than even when we were messing around — towards the end anyway.

She came over one day and curled up on me and fell asleep in my lap. I'm not sure what's going on here. I'm not sure of her intentions. What could it be? Are there regrets? Does she miss me?

I didn't write all of this before, but I asked a few of the people I considered my friends on the web about the situation. Someone on here, 360 actually, told me that she was trying to endear herself to me because she knew when shit got thick, I'd be there for her.

Anyway, we have been speaking lately. We haven't been talking about anything serious, just talking.

She called me the other day with the intention of making me laugh as she said. She read something to me that went "Don't be alarmed if a fat man grabs you and throws you in a bag. It's just Santa Clause. I told him you were what I wanted for Christmas." I was so lost for a moment or two then I laughed it off.

Anyhow last night… Stephanie came clean, about everything she's lied to me about. Among them were her age, now confirmed at 19, her birthday, now in February not July, and her level of education. None of which were major to me. I even understood why. I just couldn't understand why it was difficult to tell me.

Anyway, on a lighter note. Ozzy's cousin seems to be staying with her and OMG she has the fattest ass. I could not keep my eyes off of that thing. Stephanie offered the hook up, but I know I'd just be asking for trouble. What you think?

Sexual Tidbit

Just a bit of funny stuff.

Yahoo! 360° - SMOOCHIE's Blog - TEE HEE..........:

A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. the cat fell in and the rooster laughed. The cat said, a wet pussy always makes a cock happy

My Online Presence

Here's the deal… I am preparing for the New Year and I guess since, like for so many others, the powers that be are determined to break me so I must carve out new paths for myself.

The first part of carving out those paths is my need to generate some sort of cash flow. I am looking towards AdSense for some of it. I am trying to learn how to optimize my blog so that the proper keywords fall into place and the ads are better targeted. Right now I am in the process of adding ads and "referrals" to all of my blogs. If you see something that interests you, please at least check it out.

I have also been invited to write as a guest on my best friend M!ckey's blog. She said she wanted to help by allowing me to post some of the ads and referrals. I have written very briefly on her blog before but I removed myself because I did not want her to be listed as a contributor on her own blog, but I've fixed that problem. Now my presence will only be felt on the posts I make.

This is from my most recent post M!ck3y Mouz: Changes:

All of this is about positive change and looking to the new year. M!ckey is turning up the heat and I have to come out the corner swinging now.

I know it's been a long time since I have turned a negative into a positive. So coming to the close of what is the worst year of my life. I look back and see all that I have accomplished, gone. All I have is my son left. LOL, my son… pray for Daddy.

Back to my online presence… I also am involved in other things on the web. A lot of people are coming here from my profile on Yahoo! 360°. I am also currently one of the top riffrs on Riffs, where I riff on things I like and rant about what I don't. Then there are my two Squidoo pages, where I am also trying to make a few dollars. The first of which is Dramatic Pause, it's an experimental page about me. I want to see how interested people might be in me outside of my blog. The second, which I must develop because it has the most potential, is The Mac Life, which is inspired by and about my love of Macs and things Mac like. I think that's it, aside from Flickr, del.icio.us, BlackPlanet and MiGente, if I forgot anything I will add them as addenda.

What is my fate?

.::dramatizations: Fate::.:

What is it I see just beyond my reach?
I see my fate!

I used to know what this meant. Now I'm not sure. I had to learn it before. I guess it's time to learn it again.

So much stuff has been weighing me down. I feel like I'm letting the people who believe in me down.

Duplicity

duplicity – deceitfulness; double-dealing.

I am taking some time to clean up and clean out my skeletons. Things haven't been going to well for me. Going to be dealing with a lot for some time to come.

Part of me purging the closet is getting rid of the dead weight I used to call friends. They weren't really friends in the end. When I had and they could benefit they were or I was. When I needed, I got told stuff like "I got my own problems." All I wanted was to borrow an ear, nothing else. That was even too much at times for my pride to allow.

I began by cutting people out my physical sphere. There are still more to get deleted and I am trying to drop the dead weight on all my friends and buddy lists. I am officially withdrawing myself from this blog.

On the mind of Key:

This is my last post here. I can be found at .::dramatizations::.. I just don't understand duplicitous people.

Aside from all of this, I got people talking about me behind my back. They don't even got the heart to say shit to my face. My sister, my son's mother… Why be two-faced about it.

Duplicity is one of my most hated traits in people.

Coldest December

I am stuck in a time of deep reflection. Normally I slip into a deep depression around this time of year. I supposed it isn't a good thing for the demons of the past to collide with the demons of the present. This year, although I have a lot more to be depressed about, it's different. Maybe it's because of my best friend, M!ckey.

This year is the worst year, by far, of my life. M!ckey has been there the whole time to hold my hand. I appreciate her. I know I say it a lot, but it can't be said enough.

I am also very greatful for all the people who have stood by me this year, including my son's mother. I guess the secrets we've shared over the years have served to strengthen our bond. Well here is a short list of some of you guys, in no particular order: Andy and Gina, Devin, Nyika, Natalie S., Mother and Mamite, all of the people who are genuinely concerned and are sincerely trying to be my friend and my son who wants to learn to pray, so that he can pray for me.

Since this is my time of reflection and thought. I may be posting rather brief posts, quickly. I have a lot on my mind and need to organize the clutter.

Additionally, you may have noticed that I have been making some layout changes to my blog(s) and some to M!ckey's as well. I have also been trying to connect all the pieces of my online life, not only for ease of management but to strengthen my presense. There will definitely be more to come on that.

It's Snowing!!!

The kids think they are getting the day off, some adults too. There isn't going to be enough accumulation for all of that. We are going to have about two inches and this is by the time everyone will be getting ready to come back home.

Quote of the Day

The best way to get over someone is to get under somebody else.

Trife People

Too many bitches want to be ladies. So if you a hoe, I'm gonna call you a hoe.
Too many bitches are shady.
Too many ladies give these niggas too many chances.
Too many brothers want to be lovers, don't know what romance is.
Too many bitches stuck up from too many sexual advances.

How can a guy go from one female to her friend? How could that friend let him? I mean it's one thing to maybe fall into something after a prior relationship is over, I have been there, but to actively pursue something minutes after she was forced out of the door is wrong.

Back to the quote above, so few females deserve the the attention they get. They are fucking up good relationships with good men and their friends. Fucking their men's friends and their friend's men. Then they try to play that innocent, "I'm an angel" role.

On the other hand, men, are doing the same. Fucking with little girls, then their friends and basically contaminating the thoughts and emotions of females. Leaving negative impressions on them that they'll carry, probably for life.

I personally, have always been in awe of the situations women put themselves in or allow themselves to remain in.

To each their own. I refuse to align myself with those females. I tired of helping people carry emotional baggage and being their emotional crutch.

I'm disgusted!

360 Etiquette

I have been cleaning off my buddy lists and friend lists all over the place. To make it real simple for everyone, if we don't talk and/or you have no intention of doing so, you shouldn't be on my lists.

Kokobuttakisses has put out a nice list of for all of us Yahoo! 360 "friends." The 10 rules can apparently be applied to other social connection services, such as Blackplanet, Hi5, and MiGente, among others. I have chosen my 5 favorites.

Yahoo! 360° - Kokobuttakisses's Blog - 10 UNWRITTEN RULES OF 360.....:

1. To the people who have like 25,098 friend's, are you serious? Nobody in this universe has that many friends...you're stupid. Go kill yourself....

3. Don't ever post fake PICTURES!

4. Nobody cares about threats over the internet. Don't try to act hard with the keyboard...that's so sad.

6. Who really gives a rats ass if I don't accept you as a friend...MOVE ON. Don't send me another request or message asking "what's up?" I don't want you as a friend, that's what's up!

8. No one is really going to die in 6 days or have bad relationships for 5 years if they don't this in ppls mailbox on. So stop saying that! [sic]

Love Defined

Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary:

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevailent [sic] only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

Perhaps a bit cynical, I've been in love once and I almost had a second bout with the afore mentioned "disease." Through the grace of the powers that be I have been saved from the accursed affliction, at least for the time being.

How did you come to my blog?

Some people were referred to my blog by a porn site.

Looking for a Job

My job search hasn't been going well, not all the conventional stuff anyway. I have posted to a good portion of the Career/Search sites, including Monster, Career Builder, Flip Dog and Hot Jobs. I have done the whole cold calling thing as often as I could. Filled out applications more places than I can count. I have decided to think a little out of the box. I might as well attempt a few new things.

I have begun to ask "friends," close or otherwise — I don't have many close friends, for help. I have posted to a Yahoo! Group to which I belong that I am looking for a job and that I would appreciate some help. Any leads or advice welcome. I have also posted a message to that effect on my "Blast" at Yahoo! 360. I don't blog there but I have my this blog's feed there. So most people who visit my 360 profile will see this post. That's right my blog and this post is a part of that strategy.

I figure why not use my blog. Last week I started tracking the traffic to and around my blog and a good number of people come here. I just figure every little bit could help. Question is: How can I get some more people here?

Well, I know a little more about tagging my posts. As you can see, below I have some of my Technorati tags duplicated. Not exactly, made sense to have variations of the tags I used. In fact if I think of anymore, I will update the list of tags. The point is to cover the widest audience possible, right? Next steps are to post it to my Blast, the groups, posting to my del.icio.us account and find out which of my friends will help me get this post around.

I have also created a Backpack Page of my resume. The list is a "Table of Contents". Click a link and it takes you to that section in the résumé. The last two links in the TOC are where you can download my résumé in MS Word (.doc) or PDF format. I might either convert the MSW document into a RTF or upload a third RTF file, which all of you WordPerfect users should be able to open with no problem. I have stripped away my personal information, like my address and phone number for internet safety reasons. I can be reached via the email at: reign4aday@yahoo.com. I will be adding anything I can find to re–piece together a portfolio or just something to show what I do, what I've done and what I know.

Again that link to my Backpack page is http://ddesir.backpackit.com/pub/337365 and my email address is reign4aday@yahoo.com. I appreciate all your time and help in advance, thank you.

Rejected Because I'm Too Young

Me, originally uploaded by Dramatic. This was taken in Florida back in August. One of my more recent pictures since I broke my camera.

Today, M!ck3y decided she wanted to hook me up with one of the hottest females I have seen this year, as a joke. She wanted to get a reaction. She walked up to her in McDonald's taps her on the arm and tells her that I was "interested." She replied "Wha, wha, what?" M!ck3y repeated, to which the pretty lady replied "Well tell your friend I am very older than him."

I was rejected. Not because I don't have a job, not because I approached her wrong or someone else did it for me. I was rejected because I was too young. How old do I look?

Workforce 1

When I woke up this morning, I really didn't want to do anything. I am just at the point where I feel "What's the point?" I mean I have been looking. Problem is I have been getting nowhere. I have actually become scared. I am afraid of rejection.

Upon my arrival, the environment at first seems quite relaxed. It's fresh, clean, open office space. The security guard was standing behind his chair behind his portion of the reception desk. The think I first noticed about that area was his display, a silver flat panel, approximately 30 inches. Apparently, for him to monitor activities around the office.

I stood on a line of about 5 or 6 people for about 5 minutes. I guess the line was moving slowly, for them anyway, because the lady behind the second reception desk came to help it move along. I got here too early so I'm waiting, not so patiently, until 12:30. I feel I'm not being patent because I had to find something to occupy my time, i.e. this post.

I ran into my cousin, Latoya. Didn't even see her because I was checking out her friend. 12:30 came pretty quickly. Had orientation, which was pretty rushed. Gwen took us on a tour of the facility which was just as nice as the front. Anyway, I have to make an appointment for my next step.

Ecto

How to Leave a Voice Mail Message from the album "43 Folders" by 43 Folders

This is sort of a test. You might notice that some of my formating is different. I am testing Ecto, a desktop blogging client.

I intend to be out as often as possible for at least the next few weeks and I needed a way to blog more efficiently. I just needed a way to manage my posts. The whole email and HTML thing can get messy, as I have previously found out.

Anyway, I'm going to play with it in my spare time until I get things just the way I like it. You will know when it has my feel.

Quote of the Day

"Three minutes? It takes me twenty five minutes to get you draws off." — Michael Kyle, My Wife & Kids

Boobie Monroe

Does anyone know who she is and/or where I can get more information about her. I saw her in Maverick Entertainment Group's My Big Phat Hip Hop Family.

Quote of the Day

"I am afraid if they take away my heart I will not be able to love you the same" — Adam (Christian Slater – Untamed Heart, 1993)

Presume To Know Me

I have a new friend, Natalie. I met her on Monday. She is really sweet. I like her.

I have one problem, after three days, I feel like she thinks she knows me. Granted, we've spent quite a bit of time on the phone — probably more time than I've spent with any single person on the phone since high school.

Our latest conversation left me feeling I need to make something clear. I did not let anything get where it is, it got away from me. How could I let myself be unhappy. How could I let myself feel helpless? Most of all, I want to know, how I can make it better?

Natalie is trying to help me find a job, already. I think she will make a wonderful friend. I respect her directness, her honesty, and openness. She doesn't pull any punches and there are so few people like her in this world, more importantly, in my sphere.

Although her initial deductions about me were wrong, she opened her mouth, she said what was on her mind and there is no confusion between us about who she thinks I am and she still wants to get to know me. I have so few true friends, I hope this one is a keeper.

Uncreation

. I just have too much on my mind.

♫ Staind
Fray
14 Shades of Grey

I know that it never goes away
All I feel, everything I'm not today
So I try and I try to make everything right
I don't feel like I'm doing it, it affects me

Ok I have been thinking alot today, being sick gave me a chance to get some of my thoughts straight. I have been putting my efforts into the wrong things and M!ckey has been helping me a almost breaking herself. That girl loves me to death and I don't know why.

I mean all of this is coming up only because I missed an opportunity to do one of those things. I don't know if I did it on purpose or if it was just meant to happen like that. I do have some added freedom and flexibily now, which of course is good, very good.

I mean, you might not understand what I'm getting at, so I will clarify a bit. I was too bound to the material portion of my life. A lot of the time I don't even have the doe to do the things I need to do, like eat, clothe myself and get out to take care of business.

See for me a missed opportunity is not merely that, it is usually an opening to something else. I have been talking about starting over for some time now, materialistically. It's hard because I put a lot of effort into getting where I was. It was even harder falling to the depts to which I've fallen.

I had to remind myself that the first time I completely turned my life around I let go of everything. I made the fundamental choice between necessity and everything else. I have never been one to readily accept things for what they are, not negative things anyway. If I didn't like what was going on the only day to deal with it was to change it or purge it, either way it was on my terms. That is very important to me, doing things my way, on my own terms.

So since I really don't know what's going wrong in my life right now, aside from feeling down all the time, I realize I have to break my bigger issues down to their most basic layers. I have to uncreate my life.

I mean uncreate in the sense that I need to undo everything from this point backwards so that I can figure it all out.

The Web Standards Project

The Web Standards Project

I am proud to say my browser of choice is the only browser that pass the Acid 2 test.