Uncreation

. I just have too much on my mind.

♫ Staind
Fray
14 Shades of Grey

I know that it never goes away
All I feel, everything I'm not today
So I try and I try to make everything right
I don't feel like I'm doing it, it affects me

Ok I have been thinking alot today, being sick gave me a chance to get some of my thoughts straight. I have been putting my efforts into the wrong things and M!ckey has been helping me a almost breaking herself. That girl loves me to death and I don't know why.

I mean all of this is coming up only because I missed an opportunity to do one of those things. I don't know if I did it on purpose or if it was just meant to happen like that. I do have some added freedom and flexibily now, which of course is good, very good.

I mean, you might not understand what I'm getting at, so I will clarify a bit. I was too bound to the material portion of my life. A lot of the time I don't even have the doe to do the things I need to do, like eat, clothe myself and get out to take care of business.

See for me a missed opportunity is not merely that, it is usually an opening to something else. I have been talking about starting over for some time now, materialistically. It's hard because I put a lot of effort into getting where I was. It was even harder falling to the depts to which I've fallen.

I had to remind myself that the first time I completely turned my life around I let go of everything. I made the fundamental choice between necessity and everything else. I have never been one to readily accept things for what they are, not negative things anyway. If I didn't like what was going on the only day to deal with it was to change it or purge it, either way it was on my terms. That is very important to me, doing things my way, on my own terms.

So since I really don't know what's going wrong in my life right now, aside from feeling down all the time, I realize I have to break my bigger issues down to their most basic layers. I have to uncreate my life.

I mean uncreate in the sense that I need to undo everything from this point backwards so that I can figure it all out.