Wednesday, 24 June 1998

It's been a while since I posted from my journal. I have been trying to pay attention to current real life issues. Anyhow, here is another day in the life.

Today I am sick… my stress is building up and causing me physical maladie.

1 wk. ago 2day Elisa and myself spent more time 2gether & we had another session. She came harder than she did on Mon.

While I was on the phone w/ her Lakish kept calling & pushed me into an argument. I then, in tears, broke down & told her that I didn't want a relationship. She thinks it's because of Elisa. I tried to explain that I've felt this way 4 some time & that she makes it difficult for me to tell her how I feel.

Thursday Elisa & I made a bet that I couldn't get it w/i a wk.

Friday we spent the day together & held ea. other & kissed. She showered while I waited. I really wasn't trying to make any moves. I was watching t.v. & she went over 2 her bed 2 b. under the fan. After a couple of minutes I joined her. We kissed and held & touched ea. other. I sucked her nipples & she held my member & stroked it. I began to rub her clit again & things became all the more intense because we were wrapped up in ea. other kissing & holding her head 2 my chest & mine 2 hers. She climaxed. She went to get a "C." It was 2 snug but I wore it anyway. She proceeded to straddle me, she worried she did not know how 2 ride. We switched 2 modified "doggy" 4 a few moments. I held her tight, her face against mine. I inhaled as she exhaled, we took our breaths as 1. Her sighs & exstatic moans were a comfort 2 me. We eased up & she turned over, I plunged in2 her yet another time. She wanted her legs elevated. I tried not 2 thrust 2 forcefully, but periodically I pounded her cervix & she'd gulp. She taunted me w/ "it's small, huh" & "how long does it take 4 you to cum?" I asked what sort of guy she'd been w/. We never actually finished but I was satisfied just being w/ her. She's the most attentive lover I've ever had.

Later Friday evening we went to see Hav Plenty. We had M^cDonalds & walked around the Columbus Circle, Lincoln Sq. area.

Saturday night I spent w/ Lakish. Sunday me & La went to Manh. Mall & Macy*s. Between the 2 days she cried periodically. She told me that she wanted nothing more to do w/ me. She also spent the entire time threatening me w/ Lil' as leverage.

Jack emptied my "Taz" bank & I did nothing yet. I am filled w/ an anger I am no longer used 2.

Elisa & I haven't been speaking much.

This morning (2:30a.m) I recieved a series of calls w/ La in the backgrnd. crying & babbling. Eric, Kyonna & Lakish had been drinking & the called me because she was "out of control." They begged me to reconsider my position w/ La.[sic]

Reading all of this, as I type it out, for the first time since I wrote it, is really bringing back some memories. Good and bad memories. This summer was especially important because I took some time off from school and was planning to go back in August. I was enrolled in a vocational program at Covenant House, which lasted from June to August, I think.

My uncle was stealing from me. It was money I was using to get back and forth from Covenant House and money I was putting away to relieve some of the stress of trying to get money for transportation and books and food and whatever I was about to encounter at John Jay in August. It was bad enough I needed a grand for tuition.

I didn't write about how, when I arrived at Lakish's, she was laying face down on the floor in her own vomit, crying "Why?"

I'm a little more depressed now. I have always gone thru shit. When will it stop?