Severe Depression

Seriously, I actually shed  today. I am extremely depressed. I woke up not wanting to deal with anyone today. I'm starting to feel empty and hateful.

I'm tired of being hungry and having no money. My bills aren't paid. I might as well kiss my checking account goodbye. Every time M!ck3y has to buy me food a lil' piece of who I am, what makes me special, dies. It's not just her. It's anyone, really. Whether it be my mother, who I've been avoiding. I am tired of her remarks. She never has anything nice to say to me. Even the people who help me have no idea what the fuck I'm going thru.

I had to explain to my son's mother that if it hadn't been for her my life would have been better, easier. I would have had expanded options and means. I wouldn't be paying child support if anyone else I could have, should have been messing with had mothered my child — I wouldn't have been double and triple paying. If it had been anyone else I might not be a father. I made a stupid mistake. Still I can't see my life without my son.

What is it I am going thru? It's very hard to say. I can't breathe. I just want to die. I want it to be over. I mean everything. I even feel my son would be better off without me. I can't do anything for him. I can't contribute to his school events like I used to. I can't even feed him these days. I am starting to cry again.

You know, I have people talking about how I act. When all I get is stress from them. I love M!ck3y, more than I can even sum up in words. "Love's infinite books" would not be enough. She just can't seem to take a hint tho. We are together almost all the time. All of her free time anyway. And when we aren't we are on the phone. I don't mind. Honestly, if I did, I'd tell her — "Look leave me alone!" — But I don't. She my boo. She, no matter how much she tries, will never be the answer to all of my woes. She is there and that is really all I can ask.

I am down to my last five (5) pairs of underwear. I have one pair of jeans. This amounts to: I don't have enough clothes to last between laundry days. I don't have a coat. Didn't have one last year. That didn't go very well. I have a brand new pair of "Uptowns," completely unworn. I didn't even try them on yet. I'd sell them for Sixty dollars ($60). They are white with the black check.

I have a meeting at Williams Lea on Thursday. I'm afraid it's going to turn to shit. It's for a position that makes me the equivalent of the Waterboy and not Adam Sandler's either, he made good of that. I am or would be unimportant.

Now M!ck3y is seeing this guy named Kevin. Means I'm sidelined, if not already, it's coming. This also means that her attention and whatever resources she could divert my way has a new destination. Apparently she's been seeing him for some time and I only heard of him this weekend and I just got the details from her blog. I mean, I can't be with her. I don't want her to be alone. But she was all I had.

Overall I feel like shit. I feel like I'm being shitted on. I am cold and hungry and alone. Worst of all I'm afraid. Mostly afraid that I am right. Before if I were asked the question what is it I see before my fist, I'd answer my fate. Today I see nothing.