Wednesday, July 22, 1998

My life gets crazier daily. When I came home from the precinct w/ P.O. I'd been met at the door by my grandmother. They demanded an audience w/ Jack. I was in shock when I found out that Mamite tried to make me out to be a lier. I asked Ateil why he hated me, I recieved no answer. I cried a bit.

Now I'm taking it as motivation. I refuse to let anything get in the way of me achieving my goals or impeding my means for attaining any ends. Today I feel only hate for the people I once loved dearly. I am going to use the order of protection to acquire the Section 8 I need to declare my independence. I am looking for a p/t job now. It will be enough to meet my immediate needs. I still have to put a marketable wardrobe together. I'm hoping my birthday works out for me.

Me and Lakish are on better terms. We finally had anal sex, it wasn't bad, but it wasn' anymore pleasurable for me than vaginal sex/actual intercourse. She said Lil' has to come live w/ me and and we established that I may not have time to tend to him properly.

My Elisa doesn't show me enough affection. I've spent much of the last week or so w/ her and Sandra. Sandra wants me to go everywhere w/ they are. Elisa's avoiding sex. She doesn't mind cumming though. The other day I had my thumb in it so long, my finger came out wrinkled. But this morning morning she told me that she was enjoying our little thing. That made me feel so good.

I've been extremely depressed lately. It's just life. Nothing's as it should be. I am, however, ascending. I think I've hit my personal bottom and for me there is no other way but up.

I will go back to school. I can trust myself to be myself. I wish I started sooner. I'll not let nothing get in my way. I don't trust anyone, save for "mom," Lakish, Lil,' brothers, sister. I wish, anyhow, everyone & thing all the best.

I have my 3-day Wonder diet: (I omitted the diet because it is irrelevant to everything else.)[sic]

I grew up pretty much alone. I raised myself. There were adults around most of the time but I always did my own thing. My Grandfather was sadistic and used to use me for demonstrations to his children. For instance, I remember once he hit me and gave me permission to hit him back. Every time he'd hit me, I was to hit him back. He would hit harder each time. Not only did it hurt me, but when it was over I was so confused. When I stopped he turned to Jack and Yves, his youngest and oldest respectively, and told then "See, I am stronger than him. No matter how hard he hits me, he knows he will never hit me as hard as I hit him." I was about 7 or 8 years old at the time and I was distancing myself from him and his drug addict children for the rest of my life.

When he went to the nursing home, I never went to visit him. When he got sick and was put in the hospital, I had better things to do. When he died I went to neither wake nor funeral. I simply had better things to do.

The little bonding between Lakish and I was a result of her trying to get back on my good side. She was giving me what I wanted to appease me. She cried the day we did that thing. I was gentle, it was to punish her. Today thinking back, I am sorry. She didn't deserve that.

I found out later that Elisa was also seeing the next woman's man and I was just a stand in. Later, over the years, she'd try to pursue a relationship with me on some level greater friendship, but I wouldn&39;t get into anything with her. Aside from the time it didn't work out we never tried to sleep with each other again.

I went back to school, this is the semester I flunked out. I did not have the money to travel back and forth.

Today, I trust people to be who they are and nothing more.