Of Love and Friendship

I was told on several occasions that I would die alone. I have never had any lasting relationships.

I know I can keep a woman and I am a good friend. I seem likable enough, even I'd like me. I mean I do. Most people come into my life and tell me what an inspiration I am to them, then one day, as quickly as they came, they are gone. I had been in a rut for just a month shy of two years, the worst period my life.

During that time I found friends. People who I could actually see myself exploring the mysteries of the world with, writing new pages in history and making a way — a better way. So few remain. One only just realized what I was going through. Towards the end, I had to separate myself. The person that I am will not allow anyone to share my pain. I am learning to share a little. I started this blog so I wouldn't internalize everything and wouldn't have to tell the people closest to me what I was really feeling, at least not about myself.

Anyway, so many of you who are no longer here have helped me cope and get to where I am, right now. But where are you? You shared and relieved the pain, shouldn't you share some of my joy? Or at the very least, be there with me to witness it? I mean, you told me everything would be alright, that things would get better and when I was hurting most that I wasn't a loser.

I am making new friends now, most of which will probably not be there if I ever fall again. Will you? Or have we come to our end? And you... You said you loved me. I would have thought that that, at least, would have meant a lasting friendship. I realize now that you deleted me, not just from a "friends list," but from everything. I don't get the IMs anymore, no Odeos, email or calls. When I try to make contact, I never get a response. It's not just so I can tell you how well I am doing or how I am adjusting. I want to know what is new in your sphere too. How are you? The kids? How is work? How are your plans coming along? Since the last time we spoke, do you still see yourself where you did in five years?

It seems that nothing lasts forever anymore. Not friendship, not love... It doesn't even hurt anymore. So I propose a toast. A toast to dated relationships and the expiry of friendship.

I am thankful Mickey is still around. I don't know where I'd be without her. Maybe some day she will be gone to. In the meantime, I will keep her and cherish her. My friend, Mickey. Don't worry, I am aware of the others of you who are still with me... Alanna, Janelle... LOL, since I know you two will probably comment.

If I am correct one of my friends has her "eye" on me. I wanted to say I am watching you watch me.

By the way, I know I am not the best at keeping in touch, but I have been trying. It's a two way street. I would definitely need your help on this one, because I can't do it alone.

This Week

This week I enter some old new territory. I have a so much in mind. I have so much I want to do. My plans for the week include these articles and blog posts or at least the ideas behind them:

I believe in the pay yourself first maxim and I have always practiced it as much as my circumstances would allow. This week I start working for myself first, again. I have been known to meet all my challenges and complete all of my goals. Here is where I start working towards my incomplete goals. This is where I start building myself again.

Mickey is leaving this afternoon. Which reminds me I have some pics to post of her from our little walk yesterday. I know she will not take this very kindly, but her leaving leaves me with some much needed time for myself.

I have been feeling stretched in so many directions. I am trying to adjust to work, to getting back to normal with my son (doing things like we used to), and to taking care of myself. I have been so overwhelmed with the good things and all the bad I have to fix. I got so many people coming at me, wanting to mess with me, some of them didn't have time for me when I was working. I am officially paying rent and bills and WOW. These few things give me pleasure. I learned that if you take care of what you have to first you will almost always have for what you want later.

Panama is Missing

Panama is Missing, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

Due to the tragic events of this mornings meteor shower, the isthmus once known as Panama is gone. It is now just the widened Panama Canal. Panama has given the world such greats as Manuel Noriega, Jahair Navaro, and Mickey.

My best friend, Mickey, is leaving me on Monday to visit Panama. I will miss her much over the next 2 weeks.

Ha!

I haven’t tracked my weight, oh… I’d say, since my last entry under this thing. Recently my eating habit has changed. My diet consists primarily of liquids. Additionally, I am hovering around little to no appetite. I will post my findings by the end of the week. I may have to start the whole weight loss thing from the very beginning by losing say 5 lbs, then working up to ten. In actuallity I think I may have gained some weight. All I know for sure is that I am not at the weight I wanted to be by this time.

See more progress on: Lose 10 pounds

Hmmm!

I has been a minute but things are finally starting to shape up.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

Spiderman 3

Spiderman 3, originally uploaded by Dramatic. I saw one of the Goblins, the Sandman, the symbiote, Flash Thompson and Felicia Hardy in this trailer.

I so can't wait for this to come out.

Superman Returns

Superman Returns, originally uploaded by Dramatic. If compare to the Chris Reeves movies, this was far better. It was brought to my attention that I shouldn't do that. They were great during their day. It is a different time and technology has improved.

To the Class of 2006

Jeanne & Darrell, originally uploaded by Dramatic. They have known each other since elementary school and here they are graduating together.

Congratulations to Alex, BB, Celine, Cyre, Darrell, Dooney, J'licia, Kevin, Mica, Olivia, Pamela (even though you dipped out on me today), Tyasia and anyone else I may have forgotten to mention. I am proud of all of you and wish you all the best.

What I am up to...

MTS WIP 061006, originally uploaded by Dramatic. MTS Corp is working hard to deliver the high level visual experience.

MP4Prez (20060613), originally uploaded by Dramatic. The never completed MP4Prez. You can see where I was going with it, my focus is generally on clean, simple, lean design and markup.

Well I have been working now for about two weeks. It still isn't official. I don't know the results of the background check but they do want me to take some additional test, namely Photoshop and CorelDraw. I am also going to take the Illustrator test in case I find myself moving in another direction.

As for the screencaptures above, I was recently contacted by James. He wants us all to get together and do something we will be remembered for. I am down, with the condition that I learn and things aren't happening in the background so I can keep up.

I started sketching what will become my own site. I am going to keep it extremely simple visually. In fact my focus is on semantic, clean, lean code. I want to be able to make the multiple iterations I know I will need to get it where I want it to be relatively painless.

MTS and I will work on some parts of my site together, but we will do it my way. I am reaching for a complete separation of markup, presentation and later, as we add it, behavior.

I also still have the redesign of this blog and maybe the others pending. You can track my progress at Web Design, where I will keep all my screen captures of projects I have never finished or that I am working on and also some of the interesting things that are going on over at MTS, or you can come back here where I will be detailing my experiences.

Here's to progress!

End of work week

I just got home. I am famished. I loved being back at work. I was a little overwhelmed though. The hours I was training were just a little awkward for me. I am going to have to get used to the hours I will be working too. I started getting used to waking up in the morning. I am worn out. I am going to miss the company car home. I will be taking it to work from now on and the train home after my long shift. I will probably be all giddy in the morning when I get off.

I can't wait to sit on the river in the morning. The view is beautiful.

Not Funny

Well, this is for everyone and not no one specific, but take it how you want. Things that are funny to me may not necessarily be funny to you and I acknowledge that, but do not try to bring me down.

So many things are rushed this week…

I didn't even finish my preceding post. Philip Lyn was like an uncle to me. He is actually my sister's blood uncle and I grew up around him and my sister's family.

This is one of those weeks where I truly wish there were more hours in a day. I need some more sleep. I have some stuff to do that I haven't gotten to. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be back at work — no matter for how long. My balance is just thrown off. I don't think it would be so hard if training wasn't in the middle of the day.

I get in about midnight and if I go right to bed I am missing a whole other part of my life. I have family and friends trying to call me. Old friends are trying to reconnect with me. I am trying to learn stuff outside of what I am learning in training, where I am quite overwhelmed.

Today, I got my permanent ID. I was with Mickey who seemed to throw a hissy fit because I couldn't find the ID place. I work in a huge building with 4 "Towers" and I haven't had the opportunity to explore yet. I might have more time if I cut some things out — like my social life, which before recently I had little or no use for. So what is it, I know I have posed the question many times before… probably in different ways, but how should I make room in my life. I can cut out the people I care about, which at the moment are my biggest headache and source of stress or I can cut out activities I feel are important to my development.

R.I.P. Philip Lyn

A member of my extended family passed away yesterday morning. To his immediate family and children I offer my condolences. He is no longer suffering and I am sure he's in a better place.

Post Interview Update

Given my previous post, I ended unsure of my fate. They are more confident that I will be allowed to keep the job. I am a little more at ease. I am just going to keep the wait and see attitude until the final results are in. I still have to take the drug test which I haven't had the opportunity to do this week. I am sure I'll pass it.

I was supposed to get my permanent ID today. I don't feel much like traveling tho, with the weather and all. I have to run around just to get an umbrella.

I think I will rest my eyes before I go out into the cold world.

Related: Post Interview

Post Interview

Post Interview, originally uploaded by Dramatic. My little brother said I look like the Kingpin.

Ok, here's the deal… I had an interview this morning at 8. It went well despite all the trouble I had getting there. I was short but he seemed impressed with my little accomplishments.

Training starts tomorrow at 5 pm. Seems like I have the job, right? I don't yet. I have to pass the background check, but they wanted to get me started anyway. I guess they want to keep me if possible.

Saved!?

Tonight, I was asked if I was saved. I was then asked to turn my life over to God and Jesus. I was asked to have faith. The hard part was/is turning my life over. Turning my life over… It is worth a try.

Hostel

A very, very, very disturbing movie. Now I think I'll do it slow.

Movies

Saw The Da Vinci Code yesterday, good movie. Very interesting and thought provoking — makes me want to pick that lost chapter of the Bible that has everyone up in arms, The Gospel of Judas, I think.

I also want to go see X3: The Last Stand. I am going to see that on Tuesday. While looking at some previews, I came across the trailer for this one:

Ghost Rider - 1, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

Ghost Rider - 2, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

Looks to be good.

Prom Night Pictures

Prom Day - Darrell, Prior to getting ready, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

Prom Day - Darrell and I, Damn knot, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

Prom Day - Darrell, Little bling bling, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

As promised, here are some pictures. I will have more when he comes home tonight

WOW!!!

Bemused has done it! I don't recall reading an adult story that excited me, not since I was a child anyway. She writes as though she has that "heaven's perspective" or view. I don't know how else to say it.

Breaking the Habit:

The other woman removed the satin robe and positioned herself, straddling Alicia's face. Her downy lips were parted slightly by a swollen button of flesh. The woman's sandalwood scented skin combined with her own musk was intoxicating.

Just a little taste of what's in store. I began to squirm towards the end. This is a must read.

Prom Night

Tonight is my brother's prom. His errr, ummm date looks quite nice already. He is no where to be found. He will be going on a cruise. Pictures to follow…

Not Flattered

Mickey called me today with the female formerly known as… I didn't have a problem speaking to her, I mean she was one of the people who once loved me. She was concerned that I "hated" her because she earned her self a place in my hell. She wants to know if I will attend her birthday party way in November -- advanced planning, huh.

Back then hoes didn't want me, now I'm hot hoes all on me

Anyway, I am letting my cup of "Envy" cool while I am cleaning up and I just started thinking about a couple of the weird requests that have been made of me recently. It's worse than everyone asking me for a baby in 2001.

Stephanie after leaving me for some next dude, wants to label me the "Daddy" of his kid and wants me to be at the baby shower and occupy that role and to go to the "birthing" classes with her and all that other "Daddy" stuff.

Then today the whole Mariposa thing. I am not upset, never have been, at least not about this situation. Why now? What has changed? A month or so ago I was a loser and pathetic. I mean she proclaimed "no more drama, no more drama, no more drama." I am not easily hurt, but I am wary of people who would try to hurt me intentionally, especially if they are posing as my friend. I forgive you, but things may never be the same.

So I guess I have to make some decisions. First, when is being a nice guy too much?

Twice Blessed

It's been some time since I really blogged. I have been going thru a few things. I graduated from Streetwise Partners this weekend. I didn't go to graduation, but from what I understand I was "missed." That is the word everyone used. As if that weren't enough, they went on to flatter me further. I also finished my production graphics training. I got perfect scores across the board. Now I am looking to get employed.

Here are some of the comments I got today:

You've had 'it' together since SWP started, so I am excited to see where you can take your own business.

You make us all very proud to be in this program :)

...it is good to hear that you are continuing your streak of perfect scores congratulations on your continued success.

Congratulations on your perfect score (though I have to say it doesn't surprise me)!

...seem to be blessed with sensitivity and intelligence. A burdon in a way (it hurts being you sometimes) but you are important to those around you in more ways than you probably know.

Today was a great day!

I'm Baaaack!

I have broadband again. I should be blogging a little more frequently.

What is it?

I feel like writing a little tonight.

What is it about people not understanding that I don't want to talk all the time? By my very nature, I am not very talkative. I am taciturn even. I am also always thinking of miscellaneous things. For instance I am in training to be a "desktop op." I have been processing the outcomes of some Excel "Custom" number format formulas. [=50]$0;_$0 may not mean anything to most, but it is a way to manipulate the way the numbers appear in Excel. I fear that small stuff like this will make people who are important now less attractive to me later on. I find that I am becoming more involved with "Me." I mean I am trying to effect a massive overhaul on my life, isn't me the right place for my mind to be? Why is it that friend, enemy, whatever can't seem to understand that?

What should I do?

Went to my sister’s a little while ago. I needed to pick up my Epson Stylus Photo 2200, software and other miscellaneous things. When I got there, I found that some of the rest of my stuff was stolen.

What am I to do? Accept it and move on that’s what. I will be in a very different place in my life shortly.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

No ITA

I can not get the ITA voucher because for what I want they require you to have a degree. I have given up on the ITA voucher but not this goal. When I get this job next month I will start a fund for my certs. Aside from that I am not sure how Adobe will structure the certifications from here on since they’ve acquire Macromedia.

See more progress on: Get ACE Certified

1, 2, 3, 4...

I started meditating last night about this time. I was counting my breath as a way to center myself in the now. I counted each exhale up to ten and then I started over. Urban Dharma said that if I counted eleven, it meant that I was not paying attention and that I should start over.

Right now I am just waiting for things to die down here so that I can start again.

See more progress on: Start meditating

Flashback: High School

After the whole Steve thing on my walk to the train station, it was just a few yards away, some high school kids spotted me and began talking about my beard. One mentioned, "That's hot, when I'm older, I'm gonna have my shit just like that!"

I caught a flashback from high school. I hated to go into the locker room. I didn't feel comfortable being compared to the other boys. "When I go away this summer, I am going to come back just like that!" He, can't remember his name, was talking about my full beard and chest hair. Yes, I had a full beard at 14. I stopped getting prepared for gym. Later on I started getting dressed with the girls. I was just cool with most of them like that.

Unnecessary Praise

I was sitting in front of the Brooklyn Museum on Eastern Parkway this evening when Steve walks up to me with some dude. Then he starts going on about how people be saying big guys can't get girls and how many he seen me get and how he seen me do one of them and how I ain't got to run game and how even though they know the truth they are still down. He told his boy, "He a bigger pimp than you, I even seen him beat." Then his boy was like, "Can I hang out with him?"

Isn't this what it's supposed to be like? Why would you want to be with someone you have to lie to? What's up with dudes chasing females all the time anyway?

Steve forgot to mention he was a thirsty ass, immature… ummm, nevermind. I just don't understand. Then got nerve to ask if he can get at my leftovers. Leftovers or not, the females I have messed with wouldn't give him the time of day.

Go To Hell!

The female formerly known as Mariposa
Circle I Limbo

The Pope
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Saddam Hussein
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Osama bin Laden
Circle IV Rolling Weights

George Bush
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Barry, Vielka
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Shanique, Yeno
Circle VII Burning Sands

People who don't love their children, hurt children
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Jessica Loss (xxxangelloss@yahoo.com) — she conned me this year, do not trust her.
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Disclaimer: Some people on here are on just for fun, they should know who they are and should be able to take a joke. Others probably should be on here but they aren't worthy of my mention or your attention. Hell will be amended.

Why…

…would a "friend" call with the purpose of telling you that you are pathetic? Apparently, that friend isn't a friend at all. For someone to feel the need to belittle another for any reason just shows how empty their lives are. You too can be alright!!!

Template Redesign

I have been thinking about redesigning my blog. I will, in fact. I am thinking about the features I will keep, the features I will add, the features I will take away.

I like to think of my blog as a pass into my life. I would ask my public what features they like, what features they'd like to see, and which they can do without, but no one really leaves comments anymore. I know people are reading. The last time I checked, I was getting between 150 and 250 hits a week with about 60% of those being returning visitors.

So far I know that I want to keep the color and I want to make it a 3-column layout, because I know some of my content gets lost towards the bottom with the adds and all the links. I like having the Odeo buttons in my profile, but I haven't started making audio posts and only one person has made use of the "Leave me an Odeo" feature and even she's stopped. I want to re-add the badges I lost when I accidentally deleted half of my template.

There are some really cool things I want to try. I know chances are that I will make multiple iterations to the template before I am satisfied. Maybe I will always tweak it. I might just give it all the features it has now and change it based on what is being used or not or what I think might be useful to you guys.

Get Well Soon: Tiffany

Tiffany, feel better. Hope to hear from you soon. Make sure they treat you right. Hmmm! The bumps we have to get over during our journey through this life.

Financial Presentations

Today did not go so well for me. I took some tests on Excel, PowerPoint and Word. Didn't do well, at least not by my standards. Didn't finish them. On the lighter side the interviewer said based on speaking to me and my experience, he has something in mind for me, but he wants me to take 3 weeks of training starting May 1. He feels I will be ahead of everyone in the training sessions from the start. I did not do well on the tests because I am not familiar with financial presentations.

I have 6 hours of testing tomorrow at Lehman Brothers, the same type of stuff.

Next week I will be going back to the agency and see where I am now with the other stuff I know and move on from there.

Mindfulness: The practice of being “here”

Mindfulness, as defined by Wikipedia, is the practice whereby a person is intentionally aware of his or her thoughts and actions in the present moment, non-judgmentally.

Mindfulness: The practice of being “here”:

Fundamentally mindfulness is a simple concept. Its power lies in its practice and its applications. Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally. This kind of attention nurtures greater awareness, clarity, and acceptance of present-moment reality. It wakes us up to the fact that our lives unfold only in moments. If we are not fully present for many of those moments, we may not only miss what is most valuable in our lives but also fail to realize the richness and the depth of our possibilities for growth, and transformation.
— Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn. p.4

I know a lot of us can appreciate the principle of mindfulness. I sure can. Too many times, I am focused on the what happened yesterday or what can happen tomorrow. Meanwhile, today is slipping away.

I took the thirty day challenge in the first chapter of 7 Habits, I planned to take it but I fell into it sooner. I wasn't being mindful. At the end of the day I just realized I was tallying the challenges I have passed and failed. While I passed most of them, I just felt if I were mindful, I would have met more of the challenges.

The challenge was for me to make commitments and to offer solutions to problems and not be judgmental or critical of others. Basically, I had to be proactive.

So today, it's just that... I am being mindful. Looking for what needs to be done and doing it, not later, but now. Not concerned with what I did yesterday or what I will do tomorrow. Today I will look over my calendar and be aware of my commitments when tomorrow is today — Feel me?

It's Spring Again...

…Everybody knows it's spring again… To all the boys and girls — Forget that — Booty, booty, booty rockin' e'ery where! Time to fall in love.

iChat in Adium!

iChat in Adium!

Adium will be replacing iChat in Mac OS X 10.5 (Leopard). This totally f'n rocks. I used to love iChat, that is, until I discovered Adium.

It was just getting confusing, having all those messengers and then the chat windows open. Now I have a unified "contact list" and a single (or more) tabbed "message window."

What I missed was the Yahoo! video chat -- never really used video on the other messengers. I never really used it, but I also missed the ability to make and receive voice messages. AIM makes pretty good use of this, I have gotten a couple of accidental voice mails.

Aside from all of that, Adium is what instant messaging should be.

My Lucky Number

Lucky XIII, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

I'm Like WTF

♫ Slick Rick
Children's Story
The Great Adventures of Slick Rick

I don't know. The week started off kinda slow. Now tomorrow taking the day off to recharge.

One interview, ended in me being recommended for a position other than what I had applied for. I don't think I would have gotten that job because they are looking for automatons. When he asked me about a situation where I felt I was most strong, I told him about how I was charged with handling the larger clients at my previous job and how when there was a customer issue I would be placed to buffer the manager. He felt that other managers might not like that my personality is so strong. He said that they might feel threatened that I might be able to build relationships with the customers outside of them. I responded that it should support my team and manager not take away from them. It bothers me just a little that being aware of your strengths and direction is a bad thing. I might be an OK team player, but ultimately my goal is team leader… It's just in my nature.

The second interview was at Lehman Brothers. It wasn't for a specific job, just informational. I am trying to build relationships and this one is an important one. She referred me to a couple of temp agencies that specialize in my skill set. She also wants to try to get me into Lehman.

I found this week that a lot of people are backing me. Not just the people in my Web World, but also in my personal sphere. I met a few people this week I hope to build productive relationships with.

My epiphany came when I was feeling alone and unwanted. This week I ended up at the one spot I had been avoiding for the last two years. I was welcomed with open arms. I will see how this works out for the time being.

Fucking Eureka, Son

LOL at Tiffany. I hope she don't mind it was appropriate. I have an interview in the morning so I promised myself this will not take more than 60 seconds to post.

I normally choke on the question or the request, Tell me about yourself. Not tomorrow. For the 1^st time since I can remember I feel I really know myself.

All Good Things Must Come To An End

Yesterday, was the greatest fucking day I have had in a long time, certainly for the year. Everything just seemed to fall into place. Dooney even took a full body pic and of me and I liked it. So I cropped it and posted it. It just fit. I was not giving a fuck.

Everything was gravy until I came to my sister's, the closest place I have to a home at the moment. I seriously need a change of space.

Things seem to be going to well for me right now to allow my focus to be broken. This week I have a couple of interviews, one with Merill Lynch and the other at Lehman Brothers. Wish me luck.

Me, just not caring

Me, just not caring, originally uploaded by Dramatic. I had an f'n bitchin' day! I was swinging back and forth in the chair.

Once Trust Is Broken

The first thing most of my friends find out about me is that I don't have many friends. Most of my friends chose me to be their friend. Whether it was because we had similar interests or I had something they wanted or admired something about me.

I have few friends because first and foremost I am a loner by nature. I grew up and have lived with the mentality that all I needed was me and my girlfriend. Which in most cases still holds true. I am realizing lately that I need people to get by. Whether it be for networking which I might have a hidden or dormant knack for or just that person that will always be there when you need that shoulder.

Friendship is on my mind today because I was betrayed by someone I considered a close friend. I mean when you let people get close and they turn their backs on you, it's a form of betrayal, isn't it? My trust is broken. Now after shedding some light on the situation, you want to apologize. Tell me I am right, you were wrong, yada, yada, yada. I mean, you tried to hurt me. You didn't do it indirectly. You tried to get at me. I have made some mistakes and I have apologized for my indiscretions. I repent. People do make mistakes. I never caused anyone injury, emotionally, physically or otherwise, purposely.

Your intention was to do me harm. You can not be sorry. You weight the pros and cons and sought to do away with me. Can I forgive you? Maybe. Will I? Not sure yet. There is little mercy in my heart for people who try to hurt people who love them. Yes, I loved you. You proved unworthy. I always told you the worse thing I could do to someone is to let them go. I don't think that after being betrayed, a trust can be regained.

I am proud that I elevated you to the level of courage you have now. I tried to teach you to choose your battles. No matter what, I wish you all the best still. I will not forget the love and the friendship that once was. Sometimes all one has are their memories.

X3: The Last Stand

X3: The Last Stand, originally uploaded by Dramatic. From the HD Quicktime trailer.

I so want to see this movie when it comes out. It looks as tho Jean Grey might be the Dark Pheonix. I could be wrong. I guess I will just have to wait and see.

17 Days Into It

In my previous entry Sacrifice I expressed my desire to give up some things for the season of lent. I am still doing pretty well. I did however have meat this week. Had a cheddar cheese burger the other day and I had some rice with some meat gravy today.

I will still continue to try to get by without meat for the rest of lent.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

37 More Days

I have been doing surprisingly well depriving myself of certain things. Right now sex and food are the hardest things.

I got some good news. Over the next week or so, I have an interview at Lehman Brothers. It's an informational interview, which is basically so you and the company can get to know each other. Could lead to employment, could lead to another bread crumb on my journey through this rabbit hole I have come to call my life. You know what? I am looking forward to this. I'm preparing for that now. Hopefully the part time job comes through too.

I don't know. Someone offered me an apology today. I don't know if I should accept or not. She kinda falls in the category of someone I have been good to and then turned their back on me.

In my previous post, ehem, I might have made a mistake and if I did I am sorry. This person tried to rip me up on her page and stated that I should stop writing about my life and that no one cared. Then parroted me on her 360º page. I guess she failed to realized that I get a couple of hundred hits a week and she is one of my faithful readers, that's how she saw my post. My blog is also what she said made her want to get to know me further. I promise not to lose any sleep over it. Still got my friends and the people who love me.

Mo' Stoopid Bitches

2.Male/30/shorter-5'8/chubby/never sampled the dick but by the looks of him it will be corny/1kid(not mine/wants a relationship/ kinda attracted to him.

Now 1^st of all I am 29, not quite 30 yet.

If only she she knew I come with references. My x and anyone else I have messed with will vouch for me.

I was curious about this person. In the beginning, there was an air of mystery about her. Like the way she introduced herself and she came at me right. Then some things were off. She totally switched up. Now she got someone else's pic on her page. I ain't never seen her. I don't want a relationship with her, too many inconsistencies.

Then she used to ask dumb shit like who am I interested in on my friends list. I don't need no stupid females harassing my people.

To all the pretty women out there getting their pics stolen by females like this, theft is the sincerest form of flattery, but you don't want to be mistaken for someone who ain't right.

To all my people on 360º who showed love and to all the lovely ladies who are waiting to be on my list there may be a couple of openings soon. Just be real with me and I will be with you. If I haven't added you there is room for you right now on my messenger buddy list.

Update: Wednesday, March 8, 2006, 12:00 PM

Apparently, I am mistaken and really should be embarrassed. It is not about me after all. I am tendering my apology here. I am sorry!

Bellamafia: Visiting with Ghosts.

A very interesting story from a friend.

Bellamafia: Visiting with Ghosts.:

When I stepped into the car I remember the catching the scent of old, of decay.  You know that smell…slightly musty…sweetly metallic, like copper or rust; the very faint smell of stale smoke as if the jacket has been stuck in a closet, in garment bag for a lifetime or two.  Not a bad smell exactly, but a smell that makes you a little uncomfortable, as if you are intruding…

Be Proactive

7 Habits asks you to assume the role of a teacher rather than a student while reading the book, so that you take in the material differently. It’s kinda saying it becomes a little more important if you have to teach someone than if you are trying to learn it.

“Be proactive” is the first habit in the book. Proactivity defined is taking responsibility for our own lives. It’s about working from the inside, who you are, out.

The book offers some suggestions for application at the end of the chapters. I modified the 1st challenge and took a few days to monitor my language and the language of others around me.

I realize that even though I have the mindset that I am going to fix this and make things right and that I am rarely concerned about what others should be doing, I speak as though I am not in control. I say a lot of stuff like “I have to,” “I must,” or “I need to.” I do realize that most of this is a choice.

I look at certain people around me and they really aren’t in control. They will swear that they are. Just like me they are in situations they don’t want to be in and have no way out. The tragedy is they are putting all of their energy into complaining, instead of trying to build tools to fight their way out. I guess that’s my biggest credit, I DON’T GIVE UP!

How do I reach these people as I move back into independence?

The second involves identifying an experience in which I might behave reactively. Then to visualize myself handling it proactive.

I had an experience last night where my son’s mother wanted to show off and try to make me look bad. She went on and on about me not having any regard for other people’s property and if it was mine I would have tried to kill…

One fact that everyone knows about me, I treat everyone’s stuff as I would want them to treat mine. I only own one thing at this point, my PowerBook. She pointed that out.

I reminded her that the keyboard was that slipped out of my hand from a six inch shelf on the desk. Then she was wondering why it was I got upset. Clearly, everyone saw that since I had come from the store she was trying to antagonize me. She also wanted to involve the children about an incident that occurred about a week ago where one of the children had dropped a stuffed animal one my PowerBook, almost knocking it off my lap. I did not react then how she said I did. So I asked one of the children, including the one who had dropped this tiger on me. She said that they would always agree with me.

I don’t give them any reason to lie. In fact I rarely punish them for things they do wrong. I have always tried to teach them about positive and negative consequences. In this particular situation the consequence is trust. If they would have lied to me who else would they lie for?

I should not have yelled at her, I should have ignored her and continued what I was doing. This was a situation where she did not merit response. Maybe a simple I’m sorry would have worked.

The third and forth challenges, I haven’t gotten to yet. The third involves identifying a problem that is frustrating to me and determine whether I have direct, indirect or no control. Then to identify the 1st step in my “circle of influence that I can take to solve it.

The final challenge is a 30 day self test of proactivity.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

Tazo Envy, A Little Bag of Heaven

I could be mistaken, this stuff is f’n great. After a long day, I had a much needed disconnect with a cup of Envy. Recharge, no joke!

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

The Book...

Ok I am reading the book right and while none of what’s in the book is new to me so far all off it is making sense.

I made some decisions a long time ago about the person I want to be. I chose not to let anyone live through me. I chose not to let any one’s actions affect the way I feel, their actions are just that and they will suffer the consequences even though I have to bare those consequences with them.

The right path is the only path.

I always knew that I had the power to choose my responses to what was going on around me. I just didn’t always make the right choice. Today I am choosing to make better choices.

I want to walk the right path now. I am not religious and I may never be. So many preach it, few walk it. My road is lonely. Who will walk with me.

I have learned that I have not been as understanding to the children, who I love so much. Today, Joy laid her head in my chest and cried, she felt that I didn’t want her around. I understand now that the years of conditioning that make up who she is can’t be done overnight. I want her to learn, I want her to learn from my example, I want her to learn that everything from this point on is about her choices.

Joy, I love you. Please make the best choices you can. We are all her to help you and love you.

I had always known that love was a matter of choice. I choose to love her. The book says that love, real love is an action and love the feeling is a fruit born of that action. Joy thank you for loving me.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

UNTOLD TRUTH

NIKE UNTOLD TRUTH:

I wish I had come across this last month. It would have been sweet to post for Black History month. Anyway, it's nice seeing a big company like Nike doing something like this.

A bit of confusion

Had to make this clear. The Tiffany that is the latest picture in my photostream is not the same Tiffany that I blogged about earlier today.

Sacrifice

Today is the 1st day of Lent. In Western Christianity, it is the 40 day period between Ash Wednesday (today) and Easter, excluding Sundays. Its 46 days in total.

Lent is marked by fasting from food and “festivities.”

I have decided to give up meat, everything sexual, explicit sweets, like candy, and anything that might serve as a distraction for me.

In addition, I am giving up the “7 Deadly” and everything related to them, for 46 day. They are greed, gluttony, pride, envy, sloth, and my two favorites lust and wrath. The questing is, what are the “7 Heavenly” going to do without their twisted sisters?

I just figure if I cut these things off, I will both gain a short term productivity boost and when I reintroduce them into my life I can have them in moderation.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

Tiffany

Me, originally uploaded by Dramatic. I was mad cold. Had to throw on the hoody.

Got to speak to Tiffany Saturday. Called her for her birthday on Sunday night so that I would be on the phone with her at midnight. I love the sound of her voice. I am missing it right now. Tiffany always helped me put things in perspective. Since we started talking anyway. She's one of the people that makes it easier to cope.

One More Thing

I don't do anonymous comments. Even if you got something negative to say or you got some criticism, bring it, I can take it. Be proud of who you are and your opinions. Otherwise, keep it moving!

He Giveth

Follow closely. This is the only time I am going to say it.

Your words can't hurt me.
The words of my "friends" are the wind beneath my wings.
I will always sour above you, can't you see me?
I haven't time for needless things…

Draw your last breath.
I desire only what's mine.
Did you really have to say all the things you said?
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9…

OK, deep breath!

Anonymous comments, vague references…
Say what's on your mind, damn!
Stop hiding behind bullshit and fences!
I fear not your love for the bird chested man.

I the one who held you high
Held you tight and wiped your tears when you would cry.
Took in your pain and wished all who hurt you would die.
Now I'm deaded over some next guy?

You are lost, not even a memory to me.
Once again, take your last…
Don't forget to forget me
Go to hell, but first kiss my BIG BLACK ASS!.

Friends are forever, and you forgot that. I am less forgiving than her. I was there for you when you were plotting against her. I would have bodied people over you. I once loved you. I was there when you wanted to die, contemplated suicide. Bigger and better, huh. My post was in defense of a friend that was feeling hurt and neglected. What was your purpose?

If you really wanted to make a statement, you would get rid of the sn that bares my name and all the stuff I brought you to since we met. Show me you can live without what I have given you, because you reneged on what you gave me.

Back to being bigger and better… None of y'all betta! You know that, that's why you felt the need to get at me. And letting people believe they know… Shorty I wrote the book, not too hard to read. Hopeless and pathethic… I was your dream, your hope… The pic you got on your page, never forget, you were looking at me!

I wish you all the best and hope you have more happiness than you can contain. If any part of the person who loved me and shared my pain, who was part of the Trinity and the "Saga…" If that person still exists at all then you deserve to be happy.

He taketh away.

Bored, Among Other Things

Since I'm Bored and a little upset — This week is not going well for me, despite what I accomplished yesterday — I have decided to blog just a little bit. It might turn into something bigger than I initially thought. Here goes:

1. I have found a use for the blogs on the other communities I belong to. I will post a snippet or a description of a post that may be relevant to that community. Some blogs that I am currently not using in other places include 360º, Bebo and MySpace.
2. I need to update my résumé and have different versions for different contexts.
3. I will be updating my résumé and profiles on the career sites. Sheesh, I never realized how hard this is. I guess it's because I'm a lot more serious now. I will be doing this, one site per day this week for a total of 3.
4. Probably most importantly, I am shrinking my sphere of influence for a while.

To clarify… most of you know that I am reading "7 Habits." It starts with working from inside yourself and influencing others through your positive changes. Basically, if you change people will see it and and be receptive to the change.

I am not changing for anyone, only for me. I need to be better. Better mentally, physically. A better friend, a better lover, a better father, a better man.

The sphere is referring to my circle and what I can and can't control. I am neither interested in controlling nor do I feel I am capable of controlling anything outside of my son and I. So there, my sphere is limited to two and only the things directly related to those two.

Some People

This web stuff gets weird sometimes. I know not to get close to most people, but it's an inevitability that you'll get close to some people. A lot of people confide in me on here. I have had people tell me all their business and then cut me off. I know more about you than your family and the person or persons you are sleeping with.

Anyway, I asked a "friend" for a picture a little while ago. It was like I asked her to bring the Antichrist into the world, a total disconnect. She said she couldn't understand why someone who didn't know her would want a pic of her.

ummm, u can tell me your secrets and your pains and tell me about your son and your hopes and dreams but u can't understand y i want a pic?

Hell, I just wanted to add it to my address book. If I'm going to do that, it might as well be one I like. I mean she was smiling and showing all her pretty teeth. So what gives?

What makes it even funnier she is one of the biggest proponents to me getting my life together.

The Noise

In my previous post, I blame “the noise” for a lot of what I am not doing or for holding me back. In fact, the noise is keeping me up right now.

…it’s hard when all the noise comes from inside…
…like this here, this is what I do to escape the noise… but it’s always there…
…you don’t want to escape it, you want to make it quiet…

Those were a few lines from a conversation I had with Janelle, just before I tried to go to sleep.

This week I went to SWP. I needed help dealing with the noise. I went on and on as I spoke to Elana. I never even scratch the surface of what made me panic last week. It’s not the noise outside, it’s what once was my theme music, my inner self. It’s like all the things I want to do, including the stuff here on 43 Things are being wispered, spoken and even shouted at me from the inside along with all the stuff I haven’t been doing, have been doing or should be doing in my own voice.

I don’t know if anyone knows where I am coming from. It’s overwhelming sometimes. Like right now, even as I write, it’s almost constant. Usually, things outside of me help me close it out for a time, but it always comes back. I don’t suppose I can give up the noise for Lent. Sometimes the noise is so loud about tomorrow, I forget what I have to do today. The quieter it is outside the louder the noise is inside.

The cries of my failures. The cheers of triumphs past. My fears howl in the night. Where, why, when? All I know is the who, it’s me. Isn’t it?

I do want to escape. I do want to silence it. How? The noise, it’s calling me to bed now.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

The Last Few Days…

We are what we repeatedly do.
Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.

I have been thinking about what the subject of my 300th post. Should I go with something sexual, philosophical, or I could just talk about the stupid bitches I come across. I decided to just let you guys know where I am.

I recently started reading again. I am reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I have read some of it before. I had read as far as the end of the “Private Victory.” The premise of the book, well as I take it that any positive change begins within. The three habits making up the private victory are:

1. Be Proactive
2. Begin with the “End” in mind
3. Put first things first

…

I started to write this about two days ago. I couldn’t get my thoughts together and let it just flow. When I stop in the middle of a post and try to finish it days or even hours later it usually loses it’s original meaning. This time is no different. There are some things I wanted to share with you guys.

I have been thinking about my life a lot lately. There is nothing new here. I have been reading “7 Habits” and like the last time I started to read it, the book kind of forces you to turn an eye on yourself and think about why things really are how they are and if they are really as you see them. I have had the book for several weeks now and haven’t even made it to page 50 yet. It’s because of the noise, more on this in my next post. Anyway, I am still seeking answers. Answers to questions I am not even sure of.

Shhhhhh! I know it’s early, I can’t sleep. It’s the noise.

I have been thinking a lot about what it is I will be giving up for Lent. I am not religious. Remember the movie “40 Days 40 Nights?” Well the movie is my inspiration.

I just need a reset. A reset from everything that is distracting me. Sex, family… I may even give up instant messaging or at least limit it to a couple of hours a day. I know I am giving up fast food, i.e. McDonald’s, Wendy’s. I guess Subway isn’t so bad. I will surely miss the West Indian food. Everything I eat from them contains some sort of meat.

What else can I give up? The Lent season lasts 46 days, starting March 1 and ending the Saturday before Easter.

I want to give up as much as possible. When I resume my normal lifestyle it will be easier to do everything in moderation. What do you think?

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

Loser

A little while ago, I was talking to this female on 360º. I told her I had no job and she called me a loser. I was so fucking hurt. She didn't type it out, she threw up this smiley . That shit was so mean. If only she knew how I felt about being unemployed.

BTW, I wanted to thank all my friends who are helping me pimp my résumé. Now where is the Big "Fuck You" smiley.

Happy Valentine's Day

Computer Love rev, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

A man has only one escape from his old self: to see a different self-in the mirror of some woman's eyes

Wanted to thank all of y'all for believing in me and loving me. This means you Mickey, Janelle, Alanna, Ebony, Tiffany, and any one else I am too lazy to mention.

Some of you are doing the Valentine's thing today, some this past weekend and some this coming weekend… be safe, have mad fun.

I wish y'all all the best. Congrats on the engagements. Yada yada yada…

Interests

Interests, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

These are some of the interests of a person I think very well of. It just happened to amuse me today. I might have seen it before but paid it no mind. It was just funny that I fit at least one of those categories.

Unhappy

♫ Aaliyah
I can be
Aaliyah

I know the quote below has nothing to do with the song I am listening to. The song just happens to be on, the quote is about what I'm feeling.

I'm out here
By myself, all alone
Ready to blow my head off!
I hurt so bad inside
I wish you could see the world through my eyes
Each day is the same
I just wanna laugh again

Interestingly enough, I have just come to the conclusion that I am extremely unhappy. I am trying to pinpoint exactly what it is to no avail.

Maybe it's because Valentine's Day is coming up. I certainly do rue being alone. Or maybe it's because I am still unemployed. I am kinda moving forward but standing still. Right now I am feeling really unmotivated and unproductive.

I started reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Hopefully I get something out of it. Oh yeah, I should publicly thank Janelle. She purchased it from my Amazon wish list, since Mr. Deon is a broke ass. Thank you!

Hypochondria

Apparently, I have developed a severe case of it. I hope so, because the way I'm feeling isn't right. I am going to keep a journal of everything I am feeling.

Ugly 2.0

Remember the ugly kid in school, the one nobody wanted to get next to. As if ugly was contagious. I met someone, about a year ago, that was so ugly she could make an onion cry. She looks like young Shaka Zulu when he was mad, but all the time. Damn y'all, she put a pain in my heart that felt like I was watching the Holocaust from the inside. I used to liken her looks to a crime against mankind.

But I'm not here to talk about this type of ugly. I want to discuss a new kind of ugly. Even greater than the ancient ugly, the one born in people's hearts. This one is so strong that you can see on the outside. The kind of ugly that cause people to kick others while they are down. The kind of ugly that makes people steal other people's pictures and post them as their own.

Recently I was conned. I was tricked into helping someone take advantage of me. It seemed as tho she was trying to buy my affection, which I actually warned her against. I don't want to get into the details of the scam she ran on me but it took her months to wear me down. Karma is the first born son of a bitch. There is a special place in hell for you.

That being said… I am considering posting her email address and her 360º page. Even tho she may be able to change them pretty quickly, at least she'll get harassed a little bit. I am still weighing it. Altho the punishment is not commensurate with the crime at the moment, I still have to look out for my own energies and try to stay on the "right path."

This added stress may be attributed to my current physical condition. It has also served to close my heart just a little bit more.

My Rays of Sunshine

Valentine's Day is fast approaching and it just dawned on me… This will be my forth consecutive Valentine's alone. No one to share a quiet moment with. Not even someone who I know will be thinking of me in another place. Which brings me to the people who have been my friends and helped me clear away some of the cobwebs.

Tiffany, Tonya, Mickey, Janelle, Dahnaysha, Alanna, my kids and my newest friend Ebony. Y'all give me reason's to smile more often than not. From this point on you will be known as "My Rays of Sunshine." You offer me a big of hope in my otherwise hopeless existence.

Unknown Comment

Before I got into anything else, I wanted to address a comment I received on my She's got a question post. It's the first comment. I am not upset by this comment. I do talk a lot, sometimes. To directly reply, I am doing. I am just not doing on the level I feel I should be. Additionally, what's up with the anonymous or in this case "Unknown" comment. If you going to say something, reveal yourself. If you are an enemy let me know who you are, so I know who I'm smiling at when I step over you. If you're a friend, we can do the "You got my back, I got my front" deal.

Related: Anonymous Comments

Personnel Changes

There are about to be some in my life soon. I am putting all of y'all on notice (You know who I'm talking to). Especially if I have to get "Mailbox almost full" and 13 of 16 messages are from the same person. This constitutes a problem.

She's got a Question

Everyone who knows me or has been getting to know me knows that I have been dealing in the space of "self" for a lil while now. I'm about self-improvement, self-development and self-promotion. Moving forward, not backward. Everything I have done since the first, except for getting sick, has been with the purpose of moving to that next level.

Ok, so here's the deal. I was reading this post by one of my friends on Saturday or Sunday and it kinda hit home.

Yahoo! 360° - Share My World - I got a Question:

…it's not a joke out there, and if U dont try to get your piece of the pie then U are bound to starve, and if U got kids Im pretty sure U want to keep their belly's full.  Speaking for myself, Im not a 9-5 kinda person. I cannot work for, I have to work with, or for myself.[sic]

For some time I have been thinking about starting my own biz. For a few years now. I always let stuff get in my way. Her blast kinda sums that up too:

U can achieve what U want if U step out of your own way!![sic]

I have been meeting people all over the place who feel that the place and time are "here and now." I will be working with some in the short and long term. Others are yet to discover me, the others or themselves for that matter. More on me later…

Back to her… She has a site, check it out: http://www.blueavenueonline.com/. She is also trying to get this networking thing going, so holla at her via her 360º page.