Shredding

Going through lots of stuff. Letting go of the last bits of a past life, I am happy to close the door on.

Debt Defying

When last I was in debt. I cut off everything that wasn’t essential to life. All I needed was food, which I budgeted at $50 a week, didn’t eat much outside of work. Transportation to and from work. No shopping, no entertainment, no nothing, at least for a long time.

All of the above isn’t an option right now. I have been out of work for some time and aside from the debt, I still have my son, I am older now, so the need to save is increasingly important, etc. In addition to that, more superficial, every once in a while, I would like to live a little.

How do I do that at this point. I have posted a PayPal donate button in the sidebar of my blog. I mean every little bit helps, right?. Anyway, I thought I’d try it, especially since I will be posting my milestones and any techniques I may learn.

I got the idea from lpkitten and on her “Debt Defier” blog she also mentions the Citibank e-savings account.

See more progress on: get out of debt

Update: Wednesday, August 30, 2006, 9:47 AM

Not Sleeping Too Good

Just when I thought I had it together and got a grasp on my new shift, something comes along and throws my sleeping habits off. This week, with the exception of one day, I have been getting 2.5 hours sleep per day. I am going to see if I can correct this within the week starting with this weekend. I do still need to find out what broke my routine up in the 1^st place, so it doesn't happen again.

Karamel & I

Karamel & I, originally uploaded by Dramatic. We were chilling and talking in Brooklyn into the wee hours of the morning.

Dinner, she made the meal sensual. Movie, "Snakes on a Plane," not the greatest but she made it all the more interesting. Then we just chilled until 4 a.m.

For The Love of Money!

For The Love of Money! on 43 Things:

I have lived. I have loved. I have lost. I am made stronger…

Writely Publish Test

Testing Writely so that I can blog from work.

Crushing Debt

Just over 2 years ago I was completely debt free. Now I find myself under the weight of an enormous debt. I know my debt is not as large as some peoples, in fact to some mine would seem very small.

Currently my debt is about $35G. What makes it so heavy is not the amount. What make it heavy for me is the urgency of the debt. Everything was due immediately. Fortunately I initiated contact with my creditors, so I had a little more room for negotiation. I had the option of filing bankruptcy, but opted to pay off the debt.

In 3 years or by December 31 of the third yearWithin 2 years, I should be completely debt free. Currently my monthly payout is about 3/4 my total income, by this time next year it should be 1/4.

Update: Wednesday, August 16, 2006, 5:27 PM

At the beginning of the summer I had 9 past due accounts now I have 7. One of the two have been completely paid off. I am going to do a spread sheet to track my payments month to month. I may post the results here.

See more progress on: get out of debt

Nickib's Blog - Black Women.. Wake Up

Not just because she is beautiful, intelligent and informed or because she loves her fat boys to death, but because her message is valid and relevant.

Black Women.. Wake Up:

Aids is affecting  " US" as a black community in large numbers. I say " US" because even though we are not individually effected, What effects our community effects us all. This topic is do dare to me , but if you can recall an old blog,  I get tested twice yearly And I have  even posted my results of my tests during a blog called, " SHOW ME THE PAPERS" , matter fact, I carry my results around in my wallet.

Her message isn't just for black women but for us a community. We, black men, need to wake up too.

I like my women built...

Since I have been asked how I like my women built like 3 times this week... I think she is a pretty good representation, even better maybe. The eyes the smile, the dimples... the way she is built -- larger on the bottom...

Fuck Dell

Sun launch a catty campaign, originally uploaded by Zach Inglis. Put your claws away (if your wondering about the Hell, thats steam coming from it)

After Googling it: The Inquirer says....

SUN HAS PUBLISHED a set of adverts which it claims were rejected by august publications including the Wall Street Journal.
The adverts claim that the servers are better than the X86 servers Dell sells, and include headlines such as "Rhymes with Hell", "100% more bitchin' than Dell" and "Benchmark studies prove that Dell sucks".

I can attest to the validity of at least two of the above statements.

Ok, here's the deal... I have been going through some shit with Dell. After being out of work for 2 years, I am sure you could imagine the debt I am in. So Dell, fucking idiots, give my account to two collection agencies, both of which took money in the amount of $600 each out of my account.

Fast forward... Calling, calling, calling... Calling back and forth between Dell and the two collection agencies. Dell doesn't know which one is rightfully holding the account. The only thing everyone agrees upon, accept Dell of course, is that it's Dell's fault. Calling... calling... calling...

Seems as though the situation is coming to a conclusion, need to call the second agency about my refund.

Seriously, Fuck Dell! They suffer Mac envy. Shameless plug, Macs are better, smarter, more stable, safer, prettier and recently cheaper for comparable hardware and now you can run the shit operating system WinXP on a Mac. What the fuck you need a Dell for? Ehem, Fuck Dell!

Leo Drinking Habits

This is so me...

LEO (Jul 23 – Aug 22) Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance — they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling – Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self–control. When they get over–refreshed, expect flirting to ensue — and perhaps not with the one who brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

Design Evaluation Review

About 2 weeks ago I was given this screen show design evaluation. I did pretty good. I mean I am new to the whole financial/corporate presentations thing, but it seems my design sense and minimalist approach paid off. I fell short on stuff I wouldn't have know anyway, being that I have never done this stuff before.

I was told recently that I am lacking confidence now. Slowly that confidence is being restored.

The Boondocks on Procrastination

The Boondocks on Procrastination, originally uploaded by Dramatic. I first ran across this on 43 Folders. The Boondocks | 7/20/2006 | goComics

Next Spring...

I probably will not get my MacBook Pro until 2nd Quarter 2007. Apple upgrades their notebooks about every six months or so. My MacBook will probably be like 4th generation possible with Intel’s quad core processor. I am also waiting for Adobe CS3 and possible the formerly Macromedia Studio Suite, which are promised to be a “Universal Binary.” The next “Big Cat” will be launching around the 1st along with the new version of the iLife suite and anything else the folks at Apple can think of. Why not get them pre-installed? Aside from all the stuff I can’t wait to put on it, they should have worked out most, if not all, of the kinks by then.

For now I will just drool about the built in camera, the motion sensitivity, the smart track pad, dual booting (hopefully into Vista)...

I am anxious, but will try to be patient. For the time being my 2nd generation 17" PowerBook will have to do.

See more progress on: Get a MacBook Pro

Jews for Jesus

Jews for Jesus (20060724), originally uploaded by Dramatic. There is a campaign going on in New York, I thought it was interesting.

Jews for Jesus

Weekend Project: Oprah's Debt Diet

I'm getting out of debt, I'm getting out of debt. I am not on the Oprah Debt Diet, but I will definitely give it a look.

Oprah's Debt Diet: Step-by-Step Action Plan:

Nothing too revelatory, but helpful in the nurturing Oprah way, with printable worksheets available to work the system.

Additional links:

Nigga Know Technology

Nigga Know Technology (20060723), originally uploaded by Dramatic. Nigga what?

Nigga Know Technology

I don't know what the fuck to make of this.

Of Love and Friendship

I was told on several occasions that I would die alone. I have never had any lasting relationships.

I know I can keep a woman and I am a good friend. I seem likable enough, even I'd like me. I mean I do. Most people come into my life and tell me what an inspiration I am to them, then one day, as quickly as they came, they are gone. I had been in a rut for just a month shy of two years, the worst period my life.

During that time I found friends. People who I could actually see myself exploring the mysteries of the world with, writing new pages in history and making a way — a better way. So few remain. One only just realized what I was going through. Towards the end, I had to separate myself. The person that I am will not allow anyone to share my pain. I am learning to share a little. I started this blog so I wouldn't internalize everything and wouldn't have to tell the people closest to me what I was really feeling, at least not about myself.

Anyway, so many of you who are no longer here have helped me cope and get to where I am, right now. But where are you? You shared and relieved the pain, shouldn't you share some of my joy? Or at the very least, be there with me to witness it? I mean, you told me everything would be alright, that things would get better and when I was hurting most that I wasn't a loser.

I am making new friends now, most of which will probably not be there if I ever fall again. Will you? Or have we come to our end? And you... You said you loved me. I would have thought that that, at least, would have meant a lasting friendship. I realize now that you deleted me, not just from a "friends list," but from everything. I don't get the IMs anymore, no Odeos, email or calls. When I try to make contact, I never get a response. It's not just so I can tell you how well I am doing or how I am adjusting. I want to know what is new in your sphere too. How are you? The kids? How is work? How are your plans coming along? Since the last time we spoke, do you still see yourself where you did in five years?

It seems that nothing lasts forever anymore. Not friendship, not love... It doesn't even hurt anymore. So I propose a toast. A toast to dated relationships and the expiry of friendship.

I am thankful Mickey is still around. I don't know where I'd be without her. Maybe some day she will be gone to. In the meantime, I will keep her and cherish her. My friend, Mickey. Don't worry, I am aware of the others of you who are still with me... Alanna, Janelle... LOL, since I know you two will probably comment.

If I am correct one of my friends has her "eye" on me. I wanted to say I am watching you watch me.

By the way, I know I am not the best at keeping in touch, but I have been trying. It's a two way street. I would definitely need your help on this one, because I can't do it alone.

This Week

This week I enter some old new territory. I have a so much in mind. I have so much I want to do. My plans for the week include these articles and blog posts or at least the ideas behind them:

I believe in the pay yourself first maxim and I have always practiced it as much as my circumstances would allow. This week I start working for myself first, again. I have been known to meet all my challenges and complete all of my goals. Here is where I start working towards my incomplete goals. This is where I start building myself again.

Mickey is leaving this afternoon. Which reminds me I have some pics to post of her from our little walk yesterday. I know she will not take this very kindly, but her leaving leaves me with some much needed time for myself.

I have been feeling stretched in so many directions. I am trying to adjust to work, to getting back to normal with my son (doing things like we used to), and to taking care of myself. I have been so overwhelmed with the good things and all the bad I have to fix. I got so many people coming at me, wanting to mess with me, some of them didn't have time for me when I was working. I am officially paying rent and bills and WOW. These few things give me pleasure. I learned that if you take care of what you have to first you will almost always have for what you want later.

Panama is Missing

Panama is Missing, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

Due to the tragic events of this mornings meteor shower, the isthmus once known as Panama is gone. It is now just the widened Panama Canal. Panama has given the world such greats as Manuel Noriega, Jahair Navaro, and Mickey.

My best friend, Mickey, is leaving me on Monday to visit Panama. I will miss her much over the next 2 weeks.

Ha!

I haven’t tracked my weight, oh… I’d say, since my last entry under this thing. Recently my eating habit has changed. My diet consists primarily of liquids. Additionally, I am hovering around little to no appetite. I will post my findings by the end of the week. I may have to start the whole weight loss thing from the very beginning by losing say 5 lbs, then working up to ten. In actuallity I think I may have gained some weight. All I know for sure is that I am not at the weight I wanted to be by this time.

See more progress on: Lose 10 pounds

Hmmm!

I has been a minute but things are finally starting to shape up.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

Spiderman 3

Spiderman 3, originally uploaded by Dramatic. I saw one of the Goblins, the Sandman, the symbiote, Flash Thompson and Felicia Hardy in this trailer.

I so can't wait for this to come out.

Superman Returns

Superman Returns, originally uploaded by Dramatic. If compare to the Chris Reeves movies, this was far better. It was brought to my attention that I shouldn't do that. They were great during their day. It is a different time and technology has improved.

To the Class of 2006

Jeanne & Darrell, originally uploaded by Dramatic. They have known each other since elementary school and here they are graduating together.

Congratulations to Alex, BB, Celine, Cyre, Darrell, Dooney, J'licia, Kevin, Mica, Olivia, Pamela (even though you dipped out on me today), Tyasia and anyone else I may have forgotten to mention. I am proud of all of you and wish you all the best.

What I am up to...

MTS WIP 061006, originally uploaded by Dramatic. MTS Corp is working hard to deliver the high level visual experience.

MP4Prez (20060613), originally uploaded by Dramatic. The never completed MP4Prez. You can see where I was going with it, my focus is generally on clean, simple, lean design and markup.

Well I have been working now for about two weeks. It still isn't official. I don't know the results of the background check but they do want me to take some additional test, namely Photoshop and CorelDraw. I am also going to take the Illustrator test in case I find myself moving in another direction.

As for the screencaptures above, I was recently contacted by James. He wants us all to get together and do something we will be remembered for. I am down, with the condition that I learn and things aren't happening in the background so I can keep up.

I started sketching what will become my own site. I am going to keep it extremely simple visually. In fact my focus is on semantic, clean, lean code. I want to be able to make the multiple iterations I know I will need to get it where I want it to be relatively painless.

MTS and I will work on some parts of my site together, but we will do it my way. I am reaching for a complete separation of markup, presentation and later, as we add it, behavior.

I also still have the redesign of this blog and maybe the others pending. You can track my progress at Web Design, where I will keep all my screen captures of projects I have never finished or that I am working on and also some of the interesting things that are going on over at MTS, or you can come back here where I will be detailing my experiences.

Here's to progress!

End of work week

I just got home. I am famished. I loved being back at work. I was a little overwhelmed though. The hours I was training were just a little awkward for me. I am going to have to get used to the hours I will be working too. I started getting used to waking up in the morning. I am worn out. I am going to miss the company car home. I will be taking it to work from now on and the train home after my long shift. I will probably be all giddy in the morning when I get off.

I can't wait to sit on the river in the morning. The view is beautiful.

Not Funny

Well, this is for everyone and not no one specific, but take it how you want. Things that are funny to me may not necessarily be funny to you and I acknowledge that, but do not try to bring me down.

So many things are rushed this week…

I didn't even finish my preceding post. Philip Lyn was like an uncle to me. He is actually my sister's blood uncle and I grew up around him and my sister's family.

This is one of those weeks where I truly wish there were more hours in a day. I need some more sleep. I have some stuff to do that I haven't gotten to. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be back at work — no matter for how long. My balance is just thrown off. I don't think it would be so hard if training wasn't in the middle of the day.

I get in about midnight and if I go right to bed I am missing a whole other part of my life. I have family and friends trying to call me. Old friends are trying to reconnect with me. I am trying to learn stuff outside of what I am learning in training, where I am quite overwhelmed.

Today, I got my permanent ID. I was with Mickey who seemed to throw a hissy fit because I couldn't find the ID place. I work in a huge building with 4 "Towers" and I haven't had the opportunity to explore yet. I might have more time if I cut some things out — like my social life, which before recently I had little or no use for. So what is it, I know I have posed the question many times before… probably in different ways, but how should I make room in my life. I can cut out the people I care about, which at the moment are my biggest headache and source of stress or I can cut out activities I feel are important to my development.

R.I.P. Philip Lyn

A member of my extended family passed away yesterday morning. To his immediate family and children I offer my condolences. He is no longer suffering and I am sure he's in a better place.

Post Interview Update

Given my previous post, I ended unsure of my fate. They are more confident that I will be allowed to keep the job. I am a little more at ease. I am just going to keep the wait and see attitude until the final results are in. I still have to take the drug test which I haven't had the opportunity to do this week. I am sure I'll pass it.

I was supposed to get my permanent ID today. I don't feel much like traveling tho, with the weather and all. I have to run around just to get an umbrella.

I think I will rest my eyes before I go out into the cold world.

Related: Post Interview

Post Interview

Post Interview, originally uploaded by Dramatic. My little brother said I look like the Kingpin.

Ok, here's the deal… I had an interview this morning at 8. It went well despite all the trouble I had getting there. I was short but he seemed impressed with my little accomplishments.

Training starts tomorrow at 5 pm. Seems like I have the job, right? I don't yet. I have to pass the background check, but they wanted to get me started anyway. I guess they want to keep me if possible.

Saved!?

Tonight, I was asked if I was saved. I was then asked to turn my life over to God and Jesus. I was asked to have faith. The hard part was/is turning my life over. Turning my life over… It is worth a try.

Hostel

A very, very, very disturbing movie. Now I think I'll do it slow.

Movies

Saw The Da Vinci Code yesterday, good movie. Very interesting and thought provoking — makes me want to pick that lost chapter of the Bible that has everyone up in arms, The Gospel of Judas, I think.

I also want to go see X3: The Last Stand. I am going to see that on Tuesday. While looking at some previews, I came across the trailer for this one:

Ghost Rider - 1, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

Ghost Rider - 2, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

Looks to be good.

Prom Night Pictures

Prom Day - Darrell, Prior to getting ready, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

Prom Day - Darrell and I, Damn knot, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

Prom Day - Darrell, Little bling bling, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

As promised, here are some pictures. I will have more when he comes home tonight

WOW!!!

Bemused has done it! I don't recall reading an adult story that excited me, not since I was a child anyway. She writes as though she has that "heaven's perspective" or view. I don't know how else to say it.

Breaking the Habit:

The other woman removed the satin robe and positioned herself, straddling Alicia's face. Her downy lips were parted slightly by a swollen button of flesh. The woman's sandalwood scented skin combined with her own musk was intoxicating.

Just a little taste of what's in store. I began to squirm towards the end. This is a must read.

Prom Night

Tonight is my brother's prom. His errr, ummm date looks quite nice already. He is no where to be found. He will be going on a cruise. Pictures to follow…

Not Flattered

Mickey called me today with the female formerly known as… I didn't have a problem speaking to her, I mean she was one of the people who once loved me. She was concerned that I "hated" her because she earned her self a place in my hell. She wants to know if I will attend her birthday party way in November -- advanced planning, huh.

Back then hoes didn't want me, now I'm hot hoes all on me

Anyway, I am letting my cup of "Envy" cool while I am cleaning up and I just started thinking about a couple of the weird requests that have been made of me recently. It's worse than everyone asking me for a baby in 2001.

Stephanie after leaving me for some next dude, wants to label me the "Daddy" of his kid and wants me to be at the baby shower and occupy that role and to go to the "birthing" classes with her and all that other "Daddy" stuff.

Then today the whole Mariposa thing. I am not upset, never have been, at least not about this situation. Why now? What has changed? A month or so ago I was a loser and pathetic. I mean she proclaimed "no more drama, no more drama, no more drama." I am not easily hurt, but I am wary of people who would try to hurt me intentionally, especially if they are posing as my friend. I forgive you, but things may never be the same.

So I guess I have to make some decisions. First, when is being a nice guy too much?

Twice Blessed

It's been some time since I really blogged. I have been going thru a few things. I graduated from Streetwise Partners this weekend. I didn't go to graduation, but from what I understand I was "missed." That is the word everyone used. As if that weren't enough, they went on to flatter me further. I also finished my production graphics training. I got perfect scores across the board. Now I am looking to get employed.

Here are some of the comments I got today:

You've had 'it' together since SWP started, so I am excited to see where you can take your own business.

You make us all very proud to be in this program :)

...it is good to hear that you are continuing your streak of perfect scores congratulations on your continued success.

Congratulations on your perfect score (though I have to say it doesn't surprise me)!

...seem to be blessed with sensitivity and intelligence. A burdon in a way (it hurts being you sometimes) but you are important to those around you in more ways than you probably know.

Today was a great day!

I'm Baaaack!

I have broadband again. I should be blogging a little more frequently.

What is it?

I feel like writing a little tonight.

What is it about people not understanding that I don't want to talk all the time? By my very nature, I am not very talkative. I am taciturn even. I am also always thinking of miscellaneous things. For instance I am in training to be a "desktop op." I have been processing the outcomes of some Excel "Custom" number format formulas. [=50]$0;_$0 may not mean anything to most, but it is a way to manipulate the way the numbers appear in Excel. I fear that small stuff like this will make people who are important now less attractive to me later on. I find that I am becoming more involved with "Me." I mean I am trying to effect a massive overhaul on my life, isn't me the right place for my mind to be? Why is it that friend, enemy, whatever can't seem to understand that?

What should I do?

Went to my sister’s a little while ago. I needed to pick up my Epson Stylus Photo 2200, software and other miscellaneous things. When I got there, I found that some of the rest of my stuff was stolen.

What am I to do? Accept it and move on that’s what. I will be in a very different place in my life shortly.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

No ITA

I can not get the ITA voucher because for what I want they require you to have a degree. I have given up on the ITA voucher but not this goal. When I get this job next month I will start a fund for my certs. Aside from that I am not sure how Adobe will structure the certifications from here on since they’ve acquire Macromedia.

See more progress on: Get ACE Certified

1, 2, 3, 4...

I started meditating last night about this time. I was counting my breath as a way to center myself in the now. I counted each exhale up to ten and then I started over. Urban Dharma said that if I counted eleven, it meant that I was not paying attention and that I should start over.

Right now I am just waiting for things to die down here so that I can start again.

See more progress on: Start meditating

Flashback: High School

After the whole Steve thing on my walk to the train station, it was just a few yards away, some high school kids spotted me and began talking about my beard. One mentioned, "That's hot, when I'm older, I'm gonna have my shit just like that!"

I caught a flashback from high school. I hated to go into the locker room. I didn't feel comfortable being compared to the other boys. "When I go away this summer, I am going to come back just like that!" He, can't remember his name, was talking about my full beard and chest hair. Yes, I had a full beard at 14. I stopped getting prepared for gym. Later on I started getting dressed with the girls. I was just cool with most of them like that.

Unnecessary Praise

I was sitting in front of the Brooklyn Museum on Eastern Parkway this evening when Steve walks up to me with some dude. Then he starts going on about how people be saying big guys can't get girls and how many he seen me get and how he seen me do one of them and how I ain't got to run game and how even though they know the truth they are still down. He told his boy, "He a bigger pimp than you, I even seen him beat." Then his boy was like, "Can I hang out with him?"

Isn't this what it's supposed to be like? Why would you want to be with someone you have to lie to? What's up with dudes chasing females all the time anyway?

Steve forgot to mention he was a thirsty ass, immature… ummm, nevermind. I just don't understand. Then got nerve to ask if he can get at my leftovers. Leftovers or not, the females I have messed with wouldn't give him the time of day.

Go To Hell!

The female formerly known as Mariposa
Circle I Limbo

The Pope
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Saddam Hussein
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Osama bin Laden
Circle IV Rolling Weights

George Bush
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Barry, Vielka
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Shanique, Yeno
Circle VII Burning Sands

People who don't love their children, hurt children
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Jessica Loss (xxxangelloss@yahoo.com) — she conned me this year, do not trust her.
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Disclaimer: Some people on here are on just for fun, they should know who they are and should be able to take a joke. Others probably should be on here but they aren't worthy of my mention or your attention. Hell will be amended.

Why…

…would a "friend" call with the purpose of telling you that you are pathetic? Apparently, that friend isn't a friend at all. For someone to feel the need to belittle another for any reason just shows how empty their lives are. You too can be alright!!!

Template Redesign

I have been thinking about redesigning my blog. I will, in fact. I am thinking about the features I will keep, the features I will add, the features I will take away.

I like to think of my blog as a pass into my life. I would ask my public what features they like, what features they'd like to see, and which they can do without, but no one really leaves comments anymore. I know people are reading. The last time I checked, I was getting between 150 and 250 hits a week with about 60% of those being returning visitors.

So far I know that I want to keep the color and I want to make it a 3-column layout, because I know some of my content gets lost towards the bottom with the adds and all the links. I like having the Odeo buttons in my profile, but I haven't started making audio posts and only one person has made use of the "Leave me an Odeo" feature and even she's stopped. I want to re-add the badges I lost when I accidentally deleted half of my template.

There are some really cool things I want to try. I know chances are that I will make multiple iterations to the template before I am satisfied. Maybe I will always tweak it. I might just give it all the features it has now and change it based on what is being used or not or what I think might be useful to you guys.

Get Well Soon: Tiffany

Tiffany, feel better. Hope to hear from you soon. Make sure they treat you right. Hmmm! The bumps we have to get over during our journey through this life.

Financial Presentations

Today did not go so well for me. I took some tests on Excel, PowerPoint and Word. Didn't do well, at least not by my standards. Didn't finish them. On the lighter side the interviewer said based on speaking to me and my experience, he has something in mind for me, but he wants me to take 3 weeks of training starting May 1. He feels I will be ahead of everyone in the training sessions from the start. I did not do well on the tests because I am not familiar with financial presentations.

I have 6 hours of testing tomorrow at Lehman Brothers, the same type of stuff.

Next week I will be going back to the agency and see where I am now with the other stuff I know and move on from there.

Mindfulness: The practice of being “here”

Mindfulness, as defined by Wikipedia, is the practice whereby a person is intentionally aware of his or her thoughts and actions in the present moment, non-judgmentally.

Mindfulness: The practice of being “here”:

Fundamentally mindfulness is a simple concept. Its power lies in its practice and its applications. Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally. This kind of attention nurtures greater awareness, clarity, and acceptance of present-moment reality. It wakes us up to the fact that our lives unfold only in moments. If we are not fully present for many of those moments, we may not only miss what is most valuable in our lives but also fail to realize the richness and the depth of our possibilities for growth, and transformation.
— Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn. p.4

I know a lot of us can appreciate the principle of mindfulness. I sure can. Too many times, I am focused on the what happened yesterday or what can happen tomorrow. Meanwhile, today is slipping away.

I took the thirty day challenge in the first chapter of 7 Habits, I planned to take it but I fell into it sooner. I wasn't being mindful. At the end of the day I just realized I was tallying the challenges I have passed and failed. While I passed most of them, I just felt if I were mindful, I would have met more of the challenges.

The challenge was for me to make commitments and to offer solutions to problems and not be judgmental or critical of others. Basically, I had to be proactive.

So today, it's just that... I am being mindful. Looking for what needs to be done and doing it, not later, but now. Not concerned with what I did yesterday or what I will do tomorrow. Today I will look over my calendar and be aware of my commitments when tomorrow is today — Feel me?

It's Spring Again...

…Everybody knows it's spring again… To all the boys and girls — Forget that — Booty, booty, booty rockin' e'ery where! Time to fall in love.

iChat in Adium!

iChat in Adium!

Adium will be replacing iChat in Mac OS X 10.5 (Leopard). This totally f'n rocks. I used to love iChat, that is, until I discovered Adium.

It was just getting confusing, having all those messengers and then the chat windows open. Now I have a unified "contact list" and a single (or more) tabbed "message window."

What I missed was the Yahoo! video chat -- never really used video on the other messengers. I never really used it, but I also missed the ability to make and receive voice messages. AIM makes pretty good use of this, I have gotten a couple of accidental voice mails.

Aside from all of that, Adium is what instant messaging should be.

My Lucky Number

Lucky XIII, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

I'm Like WTF

♫ Slick Rick
Children's Story
The Great Adventures of Slick Rick

I don't know. The week started off kinda slow. Now tomorrow taking the day off to recharge.

One interview, ended in me being recommended for a position other than what I had applied for. I don't think I would have gotten that job because they are looking for automatons. When he asked me about a situation where I felt I was most strong, I told him about how I was charged with handling the larger clients at my previous job and how when there was a customer issue I would be placed to buffer the manager. He felt that other managers might not like that my personality is so strong. He said that they might feel threatened that I might be able to build relationships with the customers outside of them. I responded that it should support my team and manager not take away from them. It bothers me just a little that being aware of your strengths and direction is a bad thing. I might be an OK team player, but ultimately my goal is team leader… It's just in my nature.

The second interview was at Lehman Brothers. It wasn't for a specific job, just informational. I am trying to build relationships and this one is an important one. She referred me to a couple of temp agencies that specialize in my skill set. She also wants to try to get me into Lehman.

I found this week that a lot of people are backing me. Not just the people in my Web World, but also in my personal sphere. I met a few people this week I hope to build productive relationships with.

My epiphany came when I was feeling alone and unwanted. This week I ended up at the one spot I had been avoiding for the last two years. I was welcomed with open arms. I will see how this works out for the time being.

Fucking Eureka, Son

LOL at Tiffany. I hope she don't mind it was appropriate. I have an interview in the morning so I promised myself this will not take more than 60 seconds to post.

I normally choke on the question or the request, Tell me about yourself. Not tomorrow. For the 1^st time since I can remember I feel I really know myself.

All Good Things Must Come To An End

Yesterday, was the greatest fucking day I have had in a long time, certainly for the year. Everything just seemed to fall into place. Dooney even took a full body pic and of me and I liked it. So I cropped it and posted it. It just fit. I was not giving a fuck.

Everything was gravy until I came to my sister's, the closest place I have to a home at the moment. I seriously need a change of space.

Things seem to be going to well for me right now to allow my focus to be broken. This week I have a couple of interviews, one with Merill Lynch and the other at Lehman Brothers. Wish me luck.

Me, just not caring

Me, just not caring, originally uploaded by Dramatic. I had an f'n bitchin' day! I was swinging back and forth in the chair.

Once Trust Is Broken

The first thing most of my friends find out about me is that I don't have many friends. Most of my friends chose me to be their friend. Whether it was because we had similar interests or I had something they wanted or admired something about me.

I have few friends because first and foremost I am a loner by nature. I grew up and have lived with the mentality that all I needed was me and my girlfriend. Which in most cases still holds true. I am realizing lately that I need people to get by. Whether it be for networking which I might have a hidden or dormant knack for or just that person that will always be there when you need that shoulder.

Friendship is on my mind today because I was betrayed by someone I considered a close friend. I mean when you let people get close and they turn their backs on you, it's a form of betrayal, isn't it? My trust is broken. Now after shedding some light on the situation, you want to apologize. Tell me I am right, you were wrong, yada, yada, yada. I mean, you tried to hurt me. You didn't do it indirectly. You tried to get at me. I have made some mistakes and I have apologized for my indiscretions. I repent. People do make mistakes. I never caused anyone injury, emotionally, physically or otherwise, purposely.

Your intention was to do me harm. You can not be sorry. You weight the pros and cons and sought to do away with me. Can I forgive you? Maybe. Will I? Not sure yet. There is little mercy in my heart for people who try to hurt people who love them. Yes, I loved you. You proved unworthy. I always told you the worse thing I could do to someone is to let them go. I don't think that after being betrayed, a trust can be regained.

I am proud that I elevated you to the level of courage you have now. I tried to teach you to choose your battles. No matter what, I wish you all the best still. I will not forget the love and the friendship that once was. Sometimes all one has are their memories.

X3: The Last Stand

X3: The Last Stand, originally uploaded by Dramatic. From the HD Quicktime trailer.

I so want to see this movie when it comes out. It looks as tho Jean Grey might be the Dark Pheonix. I could be wrong. I guess I will just have to wait and see.

17 Days Into It

In my previous entry Sacrifice I expressed my desire to give up some things for the season of lent. I am still doing pretty well. I did however have meat this week. Had a cheddar cheese burger the other day and I had some rice with some meat gravy today.

I will still continue to try to get by without meat for the rest of lent.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

37 More Days

I have been doing surprisingly well depriving myself of certain things. Right now sex and food are the hardest things.

I got some good news. Over the next week or so, I have an interview at Lehman Brothers. It's an informational interview, which is basically so you and the company can get to know each other. Could lead to employment, could lead to another bread crumb on my journey through this rabbit hole I have come to call my life. You know what? I am looking forward to this. I'm preparing for that now. Hopefully the part time job comes through too.

I don't know. Someone offered me an apology today. I don't know if I should accept or not. She kinda falls in the category of someone I have been good to and then turned their back on me.

In my previous post, ehem, I might have made a mistake and if I did I am sorry. This person tried to rip me up on her page and stated that I should stop writing about my life and that no one cared. Then parroted me on her 360º page. I guess she failed to realized that I get a couple of hundred hits a week and she is one of my faithful readers, that's how she saw my post. My blog is also what she said made her want to get to know me further. I promise not to lose any sleep over it. Still got my friends and the people who love me.

Mo' Stoopid Bitches

2.Male/30/shorter-5'8/chubby/never sampled the dick but by the looks of him it will be corny/1kid(not mine/wants a relationship/ kinda attracted to him.

Now 1^st of all I am 29, not quite 30 yet.

If only she she knew I come with references. My x and anyone else I have messed with will vouch for me.

I was curious about this person. In the beginning, there was an air of mystery about her. Like the way she introduced herself and she came at me right. Then some things were off. She totally switched up. Now she got someone else's pic on her page. I ain't never seen her. I don't want a relationship with her, too many inconsistencies.

Then she used to ask dumb shit like who am I interested in on my friends list. I don't need no stupid females harassing my people.

To all the pretty women out there getting their pics stolen by females like this, theft is the sincerest form of flattery, but you don't want to be mistaken for someone who ain't right.

To all my people on 360º who showed love and to all the lovely ladies who are waiting to be on my list there may be a couple of openings soon. Just be real with me and I will be with you. If I haven't added you there is room for you right now on my messenger buddy list.

Update: Wednesday, March 8, 2006, 12:00 PM

Apparently, I am mistaken and really should be embarrassed. It is not about me after all. I am tendering my apology here. I am sorry!

Bellamafia: Visiting with Ghosts.

A very interesting story from a friend.

Bellamafia: Visiting with Ghosts.:

When I stepped into the car I remember the catching the scent of old, of decay.  You know that smell…slightly musty…sweetly metallic, like copper or rust; the very faint smell of stale smoke as if the jacket has been stuck in a closet, in garment bag for a lifetime or two.  Not a bad smell exactly, but a smell that makes you a little uncomfortable, as if you are intruding…

Be Proactive

7 Habits asks you to assume the role of a teacher rather than a student while reading the book, so that you take in the material differently. It’s kinda saying it becomes a little more important if you have to teach someone than if you are trying to learn it.

“Be proactive” is the first habit in the book. Proactivity defined is taking responsibility for our own lives. It’s about working from the inside, who you are, out.

The book offers some suggestions for application at the end of the chapters. I modified the 1st challenge and took a few days to monitor my language and the language of others around me.

I realize that even though I have the mindset that I am going to fix this and make things right and that I am rarely concerned about what others should be doing, I speak as though I am not in control. I say a lot of stuff like “I have to,” “I must,” or “I need to.” I do realize that most of this is a choice.

I look at certain people around me and they really aren’t in control. They will swear that they are. Just like me they are in situations they don’t want to be in and have no way out. The tragedy is they are putting all of their energy into complaining, instead of trying to build tools to fight their way out. I guess that’s my biggest credit, I DON’T GIVE UP!

How do I reach these people as I move back into independence?

The second involves identifying an experience in which I might behave reactively. Then to visualize myself handling it proactive.

I had an experience last night where my son’s mother wanted to show off and try to make me look bad. She went on and on about me not having any regard for other people’s property and if it was mine I would have tried to kill…

One fact that everyone knows about me, I treat everyone’s stuff as I would want them to treat mine. I only own one thing at this point, my PowerBook. She pointed that out.

I reminded her that the keyboard was that slipped out of my hand from a six inch shelf on the desk. Then she was wondering why it was I got upset. Clearly, everyone saw that since I had come from the store she was trying to antagonize me. She also wanted to involve the children about an incident that occurred about a week ago where one of the children had dropped a stuffed animal one my PowerBook, almost knocking it off my lap. I did not react then how she said I did. So I asked one of the children, including the one who had dropped this tiger on me. She said that they would always agree with me.

I don’t give them any reason to lie. In fact I rarely punish them for things they do wrong. I have always tried to teach them about positive and negative consequences. In this particular situation the consequence is trust. If they would have lied to me who else would they lie for?

I should not have yelled at her, I should have ignored her and continued what I was doing. This was a situation where she did not merit response. Maybe a simple I’m sorry would have worked.

The third and forth challenges, I haven’t gotten to yet. The third involves identifying a problem that is frustrating to me and determine whether I have direct, indirect or no control. Then to identify the 1st step in my “circle of influence that I can take to solve it.

The final challenge is a 30 day self test of proactivity.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

Tazo Envy, A Little Bag of Heaven

I could be mistaken, this stuff is f’n great. After a long day, I had a much needed disconnect with a cup of Envy. Recharge, no joke!

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

The Book...

Ok I am reading the book right and while none of what’s in the book is new to me so far all off it is making sense.

I made some decisions a long time ago about the person I want to be. I chose not to let anyone live through me. I chose not to let any one’s actions affect the way I feel, their actions are just that and they will suffer the consequences even though I have to bare those consequences with them.

The right path is the only path.

I always knew that I had the power to choose my responses to what was going on around me. I just didn’t always make the right choice. Today I am choosing to make better choices.

I want to walk the right path now. I am not religious and I may never be. So many preach it, few walk it. My road is lonely. Who will walk with me.

I have learned that I have not been as understanding to the children, who I love so much. Today, Joy laid her head in my chest and cried, she felt that I didn’t want her around. I understand now that the years of conditioning that make up who she is can’t be done overnight. I want her to learn, I want her to learn from my example, I want her to learn that everything from this point on is about her choices.

Joy, I love you. Please make the best choices you can. We are all her to help you and love you.

I had always known that love was a matter of choice. I choose to love her. The book says that love, real love is an action and love the feeling is a fruit born of that action. Joy thank you for loving me.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

UNTOLD TRUTH

NIKE UNTOLD TRUTH:

I wish I had come across this last month. It would have been sweet to post for Black History month. Anyway, it's nice seeing a big company like Nike doing something like this.

A bit of confusion

Had to make this clear. The Tiffany that is the latest picture in my photostream is not the same Tiffany that I blogged about earlier today.

Sacrifice

Today is the 1st day of Lent. In Western Christianity, it is the 40 day period between Ash Wednesday (today) and Easter, excluding Sundays. Its 46 days in total.

Lent is marked by fasting from food and “festivities.”

I have decided to give up meat, everything sexual, explicit sweets, like candy, and anything that might serve as a distraction for me.

In addition, I am giving up the “7 Deadly” and everything related to them, for 46 day. They are greed, gluttony, pride, envy, sloth, and my two favorites lust and wrath. The questing is, what are the “7 Heavenly” going to do without their twisted sisters?

I just figure if I cut these things off, I will both gain a short term productivity boost and when I reintroduce them into my life I can have them in moderation.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

Tiffany

Me, originally uploaded by Dramatic. I was mad cold. Had to throw on the hoody.

Got to speak to Tiffany Saturday. Called her for her birthday on Sunday night so that I would be on the phone with her at midnight. I love the sound of her voice. I am missing it right now. Tiffany always helped me put things in perspective. Since we started talking anyway. She's one of the people that makes it easier to cope.

One More Thing

I don't do anonymous comments. Even if you got something negative to say or you got some criticism, bring it, I can take it. Be proud of who you are and your opinions. Otherwise, keep it moving!

He Giveth

Follow closely. This is the only time I am going to say it.

Your words can't hurt me.
The words of my "friends" are the wind beneath my wings.
I will always sour above you, can't you see me?
I haven't time for needless things…

Draw your last breath.
I desire only what's mine.
Did you really have to say all the things you said?
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9…

OK, deep breath!

Anonymous comments, vague references…
Say what's on your mind, damn!
Stop hiding behind bullshit and fences!
I fear not your love for the bird chested man.

I the one who held you high
Held you tight and wiped your tears when you would cry.
Took in your pain and wished all who hurt you would die.
Now I'm deaded over some next guy?

You are lost, not even a memory to me.
Once again, take your last…
Don't forget to forget me
Go to hell, but first kiss my BIG BLACK ASS!.

Friends are forever, and you forgot that. I am less forgiving than her. I was there for you when you were plotting against her. I would have bodied people over you. I once loved you. I was there when you wanted to die, contemplated suicide. Bigger and better, huh. My post was in defense of a friend that was feeling hurt and neglected. What was your purpose?

If you really wanted to make a statement, you would get rid of the sn that bares my name and all the stuff I brought you to since we met. Show me you can live without what I have given you, because you reneged on what you gave me.

Back to being bigger and better… None of y'all betta! You know that, that's why you felt the need to get at me. And letting people believe they know… Shorty I wrote the book, not too hard to read. Hopeless and pathethic… I was your dream, your hope… The pic you got on your page, never forget, you were looking at me!

I wish you all the best and hope you have more happiness than you can contain. If any part of the person who loved me and shared my pain, who was part of the Trinity and the "Saga…" If that person still exists at all then you deserve to be happy.

He taketh away.