Slipping Into a Former Life

Waking up this morning, reflecting on the events of last night which kicked off my day. The year plus stint has come to an end. This wasn't the way I imagined it or the way I wanted it. Little ill kept spot with hourly rates. The room was clean tho, at least as far as the eye could tell.

Her. she was a carry over from a past incarnation of me in this lifetime. One of the best parts of then. Lately we had been talking about what we meant to each other and why we didn't stay together all those years ago. We were different people then, both trying to find our own paths, paths that would bring us to the people we are today. Our worlds are still so far apart. The window for us to be together has long passed. It just wasn't meant to be.

It never ceases to amaze me how she always get all dolled up for our late night meetings. Since we parted she gained a lot of weight, approximately a third of herself, and lost most if not all of it. Now she is about the size she was during the time we kept company. Her jeans fit so beautifully, had to ask her to twirl around for me. I used the same gesture from our first encounter, my down pointed finger drawing a little circle in the air. We laughed about how she's permanently branded with something from a moment we shared. No one else will ever hear about it. It's our secret.

I tried to wait for the person I wanted to be with but it seems that I will fall into one of two roles in a woman's life right now, with that of the emotional crutch or as some might call the "honorary boyfriend" or the "cut buddy." In any event it's I am there to patch up the broken parts of someone's life, not to be a part of it. I had the opportunity to be with someone who really wanted me, all of me. We didn't care and never have about what was going on outside of us. We were and always have just been there for each other.

I hope when you read this you understand that I am in between houses and need to find a home. If it isn't with you, I am sorry. It's our loss. I know how special you are. I know I could make you happy if you'd just let me. I am tired of fighting though. Tired of fighting my nature. Tired of fighting for a love that's never going to love me.