Regrets

A couple of hours ago, I had what I hope is the last in a series of arguments with my “X,” which have been going on for several months now. We’ve spoken no more than five times in the last 3 months, this is including instant messaging, and every time it turned into an argument or she’d say something that pissed me off and I would just drop it by ending the conversation. She kept saying I was being sensitive. I felt with all the space between us and the length of time that would go by without us communicating we’d have something nice to say to each other. We used to sit on the phone every night talking ‘til we drifted off to dream land or our phones died, some times we even broke day. I know her better than her boyfriends, lovers or whatever you wish to call yourself ever did or will.

I’ve come to the conclusion that she was used to me being the “strong and silent type.” For years we’ve been getting closer and closer, probably more than anyone knows. Whenever something went down, I was there. Whenever she wanted to talk, I was there. The truth is I never really needed to talk about anything. If I did it would be like me thinking about changing jobs or that I wasn’t happy with my son’s environment. Truth is I’ve always been in control of my life. If a situation was unacceptable to me, I was looking for a way out of it or a solution to the problem it posed.

A little while ago, I found myself trapped. I turned to the only friend I had. Like I said earlier, if it was broke, I was working on fixing it. This time I couldn’t, I didn’t know how. I was out of work, broke, hungry… My personal demons were eating me from the inside, out. She turned her back on me. She had her “own problems” and mine were superficial.

I thought I had a friend, I thought wrong. I am, in life, where I was about five (5) years ago… alone. I suppose it’s for the best. If I can’t depend on anyone, I can’t be disappointed. Don’t get me wrong, we still have a special place in each other’s hearts. I know there is, at least, one in mine for her. If I’m hungry she’ll feed me. It isn’t my body I’m worried about, it’s my soul.

Beads of sweat second thoughts on my mind, how can I ease the stress and learn to live with these regrets this time… stress… givin’ this shit up… fuck!

No answers to these trick questions, no time shit stressin’, my life found I got to live for the right now. Time waits for no man, can’t turn back the hands once it’s too late, gotta learn to live with regrets…

You used to hold me, told me that I was the best, anything in this world I want I could possess… All that made me want is all that I could get… In order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets…

I guess in the end, no one believes in true, unconditional friendship.