idk

this post was triggered but isn't directed toward anyone person.

i don'nt know what's up these days. i've been heavily depressed for about four months now. i must have a different view of what a friend is, because the few i thought i had have evaporated throughout 2004.

i'm not used to my life being like this, i don't want to get used to it. i'm not used to being broke. i'm not used to not being able to do for myself. i'm not used to feeling helpless.

my "friend" says she doesn't want to deal with me being depressed all the time. fact is, whenever, no matter how i felt about what she was going thru, i was still there — i still listened. i get:

"now you can say our friendship is going downhill and it's all your fault... do you need a pad?"

my question, to myself, is how does someone who is not suicidal deal with thoughts of suicide? i mean i'm not gonna kill myself. that's for damn sure. it doesn't mean i don't wonder if the world would be better without me.

see, i'm used to being hated. hated because i'm doing well. hated because someone thinks i think i'm better than them, or is it just that you think i'm better.

it's like i'm turning 18 all over again and realizing i'm not invincible. when i turned 18, i thought i was ready for everything and found that i was ready for nothing.

i'm gonna have to deal with stuff how i know best. i'm going to close my eyes, bite my lip and draw all my pain and anger inside. going to pull back, keep things to myself.