July
Last night I went to sleep just after the half of the second episode of Mobile Suit Gundam Wing: Operation 1. I thing the name was The Gundam Deathscythe. It's the one where Heero meets Duo for the first time.
I woke up not feeling too good. Physically, I'm fine. I always get depressed around this time of year. It just seems like the type of "Oh my fucking God! I'm going to slit my fucking wrists soon," type of feeling. You know the feeling that the only place for you is in hell.
I got up and put as much of my laundry together as would fit in my laundry bag. Mickey came, without calling. My sister and Mickey asking me "What's the matter?" I asked Mickey if she'd go to the laundry with me, she agreed. Today was the first time since Destiny left me, three (3) years on the 28th, that I cried. I got up and went into the kitchen, no one saw me. It lasted seconds. I expect more. By my birthday I expect to drown in them, my tears I mean.
I ended up going alone. I am alone. Destiny told me once that I would die alone. She wasn't the first to tell me the and not the last, but it meant a lot more coming from her. At the time, it meant that she and I wouldn't be together. Here I am, I haven't been with anyone since she left, emotionally anyway. Even when I tried, like with Cynhia, it just seems it wasn't meant to happen.
I'm back now. I'm beating back my tears as I write. I always thought it was funny that I, the "Big Bad," could cry. People who have seen me might have thought it was about them, but it was about me being alone. I even answered my phone, it wasn't even for me, Mickey was asking for Darrell.
