Mother's day – Sunday, 10 May 1998

Seems my feelings got worse. I am typing from my written copy then I'm going back and making these comments. It turns out since I am only reading as I type, my memory is being jogged. I am remembering the times she cheated on me and wondering why I dealt with it for so long. I guess in the beginning it didn't matter and as time went on it just wasn't worth it.

She always says I can only bring up one person, but she admitted others to me after trying to hide it. The fact is, I have never cheated on anyone and never will.

I'm feeling it. What I thought would be is not and what I could never imagine is. She's been gone since Friday. At 1^st I was melancholy. She did not call me. Perhaps that's what set the ball in play. I guess she doesn't miss me after all, so why should I miss her.

I'll not speculate. But if something did happen I hope she doesn't hide it from me or, better yet, I can see for myself. I won't deny I love her. I will retract however, I can live w/o her.

Everything is 4 my personal ascent & 4 my sons well–being. Someday I will be able to break loves spell and move on.

Can't knock the way a nigga eating.
Feel my triumph, never, Feel my pain, you lying.
Live out my dreams till my heart get found.
Fuck 'em 4 hatin' a nigga lovin' his life.

[sic]