Hmmm!

I have a cute nose.

OMFG

I hate stupid bitches. I hate dumb fuckers. I hate, I hate, hate, hate...

Get the fuck out of here. I ain't got the time or energy to hate or even deal with regressed people. Get a fucking life and get off my dick!

All y'all butches that think you something special, you know, you empty headed bitches with your weave leaning in whichever direction the wind is blowing in. If you at my blog, check this, the women on these pages are leaps and bounds ahead of you. You will never achieve the caliber of lady to which they belong. You just haven't got what it takes.

You can take your broke ass, weave wearing, leaning ass sneaker wearing ass elsewhere, 'cause I don't want you.

Inspiration

Still thinking alot... Since yesterday, I've been thinking about the things and people that inspired me and made me who I am. Over the next few weeks, I will be adding more pictures of the people and things that have inspired me in the past. I'm hoping that the same things that inspired me then will inspire me again.

I don't live in the past. I acknowledge and respect it.

I will probably post the PSP sized pictures until I get over the initial "WOW" factor.

This is Kyonna in like '98-'99. She was always an inspiration to me because she stood by me thru everything. It wasn't so much what she did, but just her presence, even tho much of the time she was there in secret. Thank you, sweetheart. I hope we get it together. I miss hearing you laugh all the time at stoopid shit.

I live for my music. I can't be classified as a fan. There is a song to match my every mood. I've chosen Hova because I identified with "Reasonable Doubt," it was who I was. It was my life. He also represents where I want to be, I am relearning how to adapt my environment to me in addition to adapting to my environment. 

Sin City

I want to see Sin City this weekend. I'm broke and damn, still hungry. To the right is Jessica Alba, she is off the chain. I think she'd make quite a tasty dish. 

Yawning! About to eat some Honey Nut Cheerios.

No Cheerios, opted for Smart Start instead. This is good. I should have added a banana, would have made it better.

Knight Rider is on SciFi all day. I haven't watched that since I was like twelve (12). I probably will not watch more than the episode that's on. Even more probable, not even, it isn't holding my attention.

Haven't slept yet. What gives? Up all night, thinking… About what? Not sure. I’m starving tho… I want my life back…

Regrets

A couple of hours ago, I had what I hope is the last in a series of arguments with my “X,” which have been going on for several months now. We’ve spoken no more than five times in the last 3 months, this is including instant messaging, and every time it turned into an argument or she’d say something that pissed me off and I would just drop it by ending the conversation. She kept saying I was being sensitive. I felt with all the space between us and the length of time that would go by without us communicating we’d have something nice to say to each other. We used to sit on the phone every night talking ‘til we drifted off to dream land or our phones died, some times we even broke day. I know her better than her boyfriends, lovers or whatever you wish to call yourself ever did or will.

I’ve come to the conclusion that she was used to me being the “strong and silent type.” For years we’ve been getting closer and closer, probably more than anyone knows. Whenever something went down, I was there. Whenever she wanted to talk, I was there. The truth is I never really needed to talk about anything. If I did it would be like me thinking about changing jobs or that I wasn’t happy with my son’s environment. Truth is I’ve always been in control of my life. If a situation was unacceptable to me, I was looking for a way out of it or a solution to the problem it posed.

A little while ago, I found myself trapped. I turned to the only friend I had. Like I said earlier, if it was broke, I was working on fixing it. This time I couldn’t, I didn’t know how. I was out of work, broke, hungry… My personal demons were eating me from the inside, out. She turned her back on me. She had her “own problems” and mine were superficial.

I thought I had a friend, I thought wrong. I am, in life, where I was about five (5) years ago… alone. I suppose it’s for the best. If I can’t depend on anyone, I can’t be disappointed. Don’t get me wrong, we still have a special place in each other’s hearts. I know there is, at least, one in mine for her. If I’m hungry she’ll feed me. It isn’t my body I’m worried about, it’s my soul.

Beads of sweat second thoughts on my mind, how can I ease the stress and learn to live with these regrets this time… stress… givin’ this shit up… fuck!

No answers to these trick questions, no time shit stressin’, my life found I got to live for the right now. Time waits for no man, can’t turn back the hands once it’s too late, gotta learn to live with regrets…

You used to hold me, told me that I was the best, anything in this world I want I could possess… All that made me want is all that I could get… In order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets…

I guess in the end, no one believes in true, unconditional friendship.

Sony PSP

On Saturday, I bought a Sony PSP. I really couldn't afford it, but I deserved it. Everyone who went out and bought themselves a Nintendo DS, ha haaa, hate me now.

The images below were taken with my Canon PowerShot S60¹ saved at the 16:9 aspect ratio, 480 x 272 px, 4.3 inches². The image quality is the best I've ever seen on a portable game system and probably will remain so for some time to come.

I have the Spiderman 2 UMD and it is beautiful. If it isn't HD DVD quality, I can't tell. I guess it's optimized for the screen size.

I am not, however, impressed by the games that are offered so far. I have Metal Gear Ac!d, a card based version of Metal Gear Solid, I like it... this much... you get the picture.

Me, myself and I... Taken at Coldstone Creamery on 42nd and 8th in Manhattan.

They make it so you can't prevent it. Never give it, you got to take it. I can't fake it, I keep it authentic.

Minimee... My son, my creation in my image, the biggest part of my world.

I can’t explain it when I pick up my son and look at my face.

My little brother, Daivon. This was taken on Easter Sunday for a school function. He has a part to play, for better or for worse.

Delrina, my little sister. She doesn't look anything like me does she? Pictures of her two (2) brats to follow in a later post.

Ti'Lesa, once one of my best friends. We are just opening the lines of communication after a year of not speaking. This picture was taken about 2 years ago.

Devin and Azelia. ooooooooooooooooo, Azelia! I don't know Azelia much at all but there's just something about her. I want to get to know her, if Devin would connect us, I can. 

1. All the pictures were taken with my PowerShot S60 accept for the picture of Ti'Lesa, which was scanned on an Epson Perfection, and the one of Devin and Azelia was taken with an Olympus Digital Camera.
2. I measure the screen at 5 x 2.833 inches and approximately 5.75 inches diagonal.

032405

I love my son, my minimee, my lil' boy. I am proud of him.

Hmmmm, still thinking. I did make some progress though. Some times I get afraid to express myself, because even though I am not afraid I hate rejection.

This is just the beginning. On Monday, the 21st, I had the usual meeting with IGT Marketing. I am normally passive and let the meeting go as it would've if I wasn't part of it. I just listen in and they update me about any projects I may be working on¹ and projects they are trying to secure for me². This meeting was different. I just went at them.

They approved the design contracts that they had previously rejected. This was a big win for me. I have been working with them without a contract for a little less than a year. They were supposed to propose a contract to me in order to codify our working relationship. They are good people and I don't mind how we deal with each other. However, they bring their clients to me. I've done some work, whether it be research or sketches, only to hear that they heard from a friend or a relative that they can get it done cheaper. Honestly, if they can find it cheaper than what I'm offering, then the phrase "You get what you pay for!" applies, and they are finding this to be true. Which is why my quotes are good for only thirty days from the date they are given.

An even tougher sell was Vector over Raster. I used to design or redesign logos in vector format. I prefer vectors to rasters because they are more flexible and whether they are scaled up or down they will always contain the same amount of detail but may not be as detailed as rasters. Raster images, on the other hand, can be photorealistic but if you enlarge the image it will lose quality and detail. My challenge came in getting them to understand the difference between the two (2). I'm not sure they completely understand, but they did notice the quality difference, which is a step in the right direction.

1. This is is always short because I don't usually have a lot of projects.
2. More often, but it seems that, sometimes, even though they are working on it, "it" never happens.

I will...

Prepare Plan Hope Think Choose Learn Live Connect Prioritize

Succeed Achieve Focus Reach Accomplish Dream Become Change

Overcome Pursue Finish Thrive Resolve Laugh Breathe Believe

I've been thinking a lot lately. There is just so much I have in mind to accomplish. I seem to have lost my way, my ambition, my drive, my desire...

I have so many skills, but I lack so many others. Mainly, I lack the very necessary social skills. I've never been very good at Networking or keeping in touch with people. I have so many business cards from people I've met over the months and years even. I'm wondering if I should reach out and try to reconnect.

Then there's the fact that I'm not focused. I know what I want to do. I know what I have to do but I have a problem prioritizing my To Dos.

For the next to weeks I will be trying to tie up all my loose ends, whether it be financial or personal. I need to get to know me again, the me everyone else has come to love and depend on.

One of the things I will be doing is putting up an "In the Meantime" professional site, until I can afford a host. I will also be putting up a personal site, which will serve as test space for client side technologies I've learned or that I am learning. On my list of To Dos is rounding off all the corners with my clients and associates. I've been quiet for too long.

correction r.i.p. renee altavia

i have to retract the information in the previous post. i got the "bad" news early this morning and everyone has been calling me all day to offer condolences. my mother called me just a little while ago to let me know she isn't gone yet, but she is very ill.

r.i.p. renee altavia

i found out this morning that my only aunt died is very sick. am i a bad person because i feel nothing — no remorse?

i remember her as being afraid, but having a kind heart. she was always willing to help, although she had less than noble motives. she was the one my father's side of the family would send to the door on christmas to tell me they had no gifts for me... she'd crack the door, "we don't have anything for you," then shut it as easily as she opened it. i disassociated myself with her early because she was a thief and a liar. you'd catch her stealing from you and she'd take you to the police station to prove her innocence. she was something else. she had habits to support.

later she somewhat got her life together, waiting for her days to count down. see, she found out she had human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) and turned her life around even though it was too late. no cure, no second chance.

i don't know what killed what's wrong with her. a few weeks ago she had a stroke. maybe her HIV progressed to the later stages of AID (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome).

she is survived by her has 2 daughters, a grand daughter, her mother, 3 brothers, nieces and nephews, and so on. i, her oldest nephew, will not be attending any services in her honor. i guess i said my goodbyes a long time ago.

i bare no grudges or anger, any pain i may have felt has assuaged. this post is my last goodbye. my aunt, she lived, she died,s she was is 42. and for the times you were there, although i don't remember any, you will be missed.

tech nightmares: customer service

everyone's customer service sucks at least sometimes. then they go and make it worse by moving tech support and customer service to like india.

tech support

tech nightmares: customer service - cnet reviews

windows xp sp2

tech nightmares: windows xp sp2 - cnet reviews

family

alex, chris, daivon, darrell, delrina, deon (minime), dominique, geo, kyonna, lakish, taniesa

woke up this morning...

i haven't been up in the morning for a while, and if i did i went back to sleep soon after that. sleep has become my remedy for boredom — i've been bored a lot lately. i did go to sleep after a while.

the important thing is i was up to get an email from an old friend and reconnect with her. her name is erika. she became very important to me in my kinko's days. i mean she's the sweetest lady when she wants to be. long brown hair, her eyes twinkled and a smile that could melt butter — when she decides to smile anyway.

she would sometimes bring me lunch because i would waive my half hour break everyday. she even called corporate on my behalf because i wouldn't. i miss her. her smile used to make my evenings bearable.

now we've reconnected, i hope. it seems we have a problem keeping in touch.

anyway she's the founder of vision quest and very special to me.

memory lane

the women of my life... destiny, my first love. kyonna (key), my x and best friend. lakish, my son's "mommy.

now that we're here, it's so far away... all the struggle we thought was in vain all the mistakes, one life contained, they all finally start to go away... now that we're here, its so far away... and i feel like i can face the day, i can forgive and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today

destiny was everything, next to my son of course. i met her when i was 24 and fell in love instantly, for the first time. we went thru 2 years of madness and got engaged. she left me to find her own way. she said she felt she needed to prove that she could make it without me and that either way, she'd come back to me.

my soulmate, key, is here, has been there and says she will always be there. i'm not sure if you only get one soulmate, but if there is a such thing, she'd be it. our relationship is special and unique.

what can i say about my son's mother? check the previous post, babymommadrama. we've had and have our differences. truth is she was my first serious relationship. even if i found out she wasn't what i wanted, she was the one that helped me realize that. she has a soft spot for me.

for the few reasons mentioned above and many more i love y'all.

want me?

i was just told by the person that usually wants me the most that she doesn't want me anymore. i feinted an advance and she shot me down. it wasn't real but it bothered me nonetheless, just a little bit though. it's not that serious, nothing is that serious anymore.

babymommadrama

hmmmmm, my son's mother. what can i say.

sometimes i can't stand her. once upon a time i couldn't stand her, this isn't the case of late. i am quite happy with her. we are civil to each other. we are getting along. dare i say even work together sometimes.

no jealousy, no animosity, no hate what so ever. i don't know how long it will last. i'm still used to fighting all the time. we even met each other at open school. we were in court as plaintiff and respondent, but we were there together. aside from her getting mad at minor shit, we did not speak ill of each other.

i am writing this entry because i want her to know that i'm ok with us being friends, for as long as that lasts. here's a poem she wrote. i'm posting it as is.

I am a flower that blooms in the spring breeze, so pleased to be at peace, BULL SHIT PLEASE. How can I be at ease knowing I'm living in times like these? So repressed, depressed, real stressed, to go through with this test, same mess none the lest, nature knows best. If you ask me I'm a flower swiveled in the mud, rundown to the ground. Some one has stolen my summer crown. Beat down to a pulp ill be, pretty flower, PLEASE. Every petal represents my struggle in each segment one petal hits the pavement. You think I'm kidding about the pretty flower I be, prematurely ruined ill be, pretty flower, that's me. Pretty flower that starts like a seed and the way I formed my leaves for security, it didn't help much, now look at me pretty flower ruined that's me.(sic)

you are always talking about how i don't mention you. you never gave me a reason to. now you have.

:.:.slave to the metal.:.:

i don't know how many of you watch fuse, for me it's what mtv used to be, all music all the time. if it's not videos, it's a concert, if not a concert, a group, band, or some sort of person involved with music is being interviewed.

some of you, even my closer friends (what few i have), may not know that aside from the usual hip hop and r&b i am into rock music and some metal. slipknot, korn, linkin park, marilyn manson to name a few of the acts i listen to. i mean why not. we are exposed to it in video games. anyone who's a fan of the wwe can't say they weren't into "beautiful people" by marilyn manson when it was the theme song on smackdown not to mention the cross over appeal it has in hip hop today, namely the "collision course" collaboration of jigga and lp.

i was first put on by my x fiancé, destiny, now i'm more into it than she is. i am not as knowledgeable as i would like to be on the genre, however.

back to fuse. i happened on fuse entirely by accident. i heard about it before, but i was never a fan of music television. well, i had my moments. i can remember when mtv and bet for that matter were mostly music. anyway, i just happen to turn to the channel while "uranium" was on. all i could say was "wow, who's that?" it was :.:.juliya.:.:. i had to find out more. my first stop was after fuse.tv was juliya's playboy interview. then i ran into her personal page which, if you are following the links, you've already been to.

juliya has a new advice show which will be airing friday, january 21 at 8:30 pm et on fuse aptly titled slave to the metal. i don't remember where or when i signed up for a mailing list but here's the email i received about the show:

It's Juliya from Fuse TV/Uranium! I'm starting a new advice TV show called Slave to the Metal that begins taping tomorrow and I want you to be a part of it. I will be dishing out my own special brand of advice to those brave enough to ask on Slave To The Metal. Real questions from real people: real answers to real problems. Anything from music, body piercings and tattoos to boyfriend girlfriend problems, secrets waiting to be revealed or hidden and, of course, how and when you became a Slave to the Metal. I am here to listen and help. You ask, I answer. Make sure to include your phone number on your e-mail for the chance to ask me your question LIVE! address: slavetothemetal@fuse.tv XOXO Juliya Slave to the Metal

on the mind of key: january 11, 11:53 p.m

on the mind of key: january 11, 2005 11:53 p.m

this post was an answer to the idk post. i looked at it from her point of view and i apologized. i can admit when i'm wrong.