I'm a Flirt!

This will be my first true cross post.

I just got me a new one torn. Admittedly, I was wrong. I didn't realize how out of hand things had gotten. At one point, I didn't thing I was being taken seriously, now I know different. Problem is, I may have lost two of the best females I have ever met. Like I just told them in a conversation I had with the both of them... I am sorry.

I flirt. I flirt a lot. A lot of the time I don't even know that I am doing it. Recently, I have realized that I have been flirting too much. If I have flirted with you, especially recently, I hope you understood that it was just flirting and meant to be harmless.

With the two ladies, it was different. I am not going to get into names or specifics. This is not to protect myself, but I think I have done them both enough of a disservice. I am sincerely sorry. They brought to my attention that I had been telling them both much of the same things. I can't say I am sorry enough. I am especially sorry if I have hurt anyone.

I have a tightness in my chest. I realize my fault. I wish there was someway to correct the situation but there isn't. Whatever happens I supposed I deserve what I get.

I have destroyed a confidence. I took for granted who I am and what effect I could have on other people. I try to tell everyone to read in context, but I guess I can't fault you for not knowing what's going on in my head.

There are no excuses. I wanted to make it right when I realized what was happening, but I realized I was weak. I have been more lonely recently and almost desperate. Someone often jokes that I am soft. The words she uses to describe me escapes me at the moment. The gist is that I am emotional and feminine, sometimes.

I have been lonely and sort of crying out for attention and accepting it where I could get it. In the midst of it all I have become something I am not and there is no excuse. You know the argument was made if I am going to do it, why do it where people are and interact with each other and the truth is that I never took it that serious. This time it was serious and I tried to stop it before it was too late but it was already out of my control. Now I am feeling stupid. I say again, I deserve it and probably a lot more. I may have gotten off easy. I don't think it's over though.

I was torn. Torn between someone who gave me all of the attention I wanted and needed and someone who seemed to want all the same things I wanted. When one wasn't there, the other was and I just went with it. It wasn't fair to either of them. I realize that. I seriously fucked up.

I apologize to you all for not being who you thought me to be.

Man Charged For Having Sex With A Patio Table

Police in Ohio say that a married father of three has confessed to repeatedly having sex with his patio picnic table. Is that really all he could find?

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More Than A Month, The Catch Up

It's been more than a month since I last posted. Everyone of you who read regularly, knows that my blog is very personal to me. I have had a really rough year. I decided to try to focus on my real life a bit more, so I haven't been posting. Life has taken an ugly, then an uglier turn for me recently.

I find myself living off of fast food. Luckily I don't eat 3 meals a day and I guess definitions on what fast food is will vary. For instance, yesterday I had a Subways sandwich with a carrot juice, today I had chicken with broccoli and brown rice and tomorrow I will likely have some "red pea" soup from Mike's International Diner. Is that fast food? Then again, I am eating better this week. I fear for my health a little.

I have been having more frequent headaches. I am stressed and blogging used to be my way of dealing with it. So now I don't have any outlets. It's easier to share with all the strangers and few friends who know of my blog.

There is one plus. I am a lot more vocal. I use the phone more. I still instant message a lot and then there is Pownce and twitter. Reading tweets is usually a pleasant part of my day. My friends keep me amused.

Right now I am in limbo. All of my dress clothes are mysteriously missing. What am I to do right? I will figure something out. I was being scouted for a high profile job last week and I think I botched up because I got sick. No excuses though, most of you already know. The switch is either off or on, no in between, right?

Anyway, that is all I have for now. I will be back shortly.

Polishing

I have been thinking a lot about my situation. Why I am in it, what it means and what I am going to do about it. Seems that nothing bad ever happens by itself. Lost my job, ran through my savings, lost my unemployment, bedbugs, Department of Labor wants me to pay the unemployment back. Now what am I to do. A new MySpace friend sent me the quote below a couple of days ago and it seemed to make things a bit clearer.

Life is a grindstone, but whether it grinds you down or polishes you up depends on what you are made of.
- Robert E. Johnson, an African-American Entrepreneur

[From Wisdom for the Soul - Attitude ]

I am thinking about my next steps. I know I am going to have to apply for Public Assistance. LOL, still makes me sick. I need medical assistance and I have no income, so I will have to apply and go through the initial process in order to get the medical insurance.

Right now I crippled. I can't search the web, I don't have a reliable connection. I have been connecting through Bluetooth Pan on my phone, but the only thing I seem to be able to connect to is Adium. I miss my IM buddies, the one's I talk to regularly anyway. I can't even access my email. I did make it to the library yesterday. My MacBook kept dropping the WiFi connection, so in the 3 or so hours I was there, I got little done. Every time I thought I was sending something, I wasn't, LOL.

I realize, I need to adjust. I just hit my low point. I refuse to fall any lower. I am being polished. I have simply grown and come too far to be ground down. I realize that I have a lot of support now, at least emotional. A lot of people believe in me, some don't even know me, but they say they see something special in me. I will not let you guys down, I will not let my son down and I will not let myself down. I have come so far and have so much farther to go.

No news is...

The other day I said no news could be good news, but when it is prolonged it most likely is bad news. I did not get the job. Time to make this happen. I am not sure what direction I am going in, but I need to get stuff going. Maybe it’s time to take another direction.

See more progress on: find a job

Interview!

I sent out ecards to the recruiters and headhunters I had mad contact with at the agencies for Christmas and New Years. Thanking them, wishing them well and letting them know I am looking forward to working with them in the new year. I even sent one to the recruiter at my previous agency, who knows if I will ever cross paths with him again.

The day after Xmas I had an interview for a word processor position which seemed to go very well. I am waiting on feedback. The hiring manager is on vacation. She should be back on Monday. I guess in this case no news is good news. I am still looking though. Who knows something better may turn up.

See more progress on: find a job

Stalled

My repayment plans have stalled. I have been stuck for about a month. I spent the day calling my bill collectors. Due to my inability to pay, one more account slipped into collections. One account is in collections due to an error on Macy*s part. We are trying to resolve this now.

I am hoping I can make my long term goal of being debt free by December 31 of this year. Not the way I wanted to start of 2008, but all hope is not gone.

See more progress on: get out of debt