dramatizations

I'm a Flirt!

2008-07-15T02:06:00.001-05:00

This will be my first true cross post.

I just got me a new one torn. Admittedly, I was wrong. I didn't realize how out of hand things had gotten. At one point, I didn't thing I was being taken seriously, now I know different. Problem is, I may have lost two of the best females I have ever met. Like I just told them in a conversation I had with the both of them... I am sorry.

I flirt. I flirt a lot. A lot of the time I don't even know that I am doing it. Recently, I have realized that I have been flirting too much. If I have flirted with you, especially recently, I hope you understood that it was just flirting and meant to be harmless.

With the two ladies, it was different. I am not going to get into names or specifics. This is not to protect myself, but I think I have done them both enough of a disservice. I am sincerely sorry. They brought to my attention that I had been telling them both much of the same things. I can't say I am sorry enough. I am especially sorry if I have hurt anyone.

I have a tightness in my chest. I realize my fault. I wish there was someway to correct the situation but there isn't. Whatever happens I supposed I deserve what I get.

I have destroyed a confidence. I took for granted who I am and what effect I could have on other people. I try to tell everyone to read in context, but I guess I can't fault you for not knowing what's going on in my head.

There are no excuses. I wanted to make it right when I realized what was happening, but I realized I was weak. I have been more lonely recently and almost desperate. Someone often jokes that I am soft. The words she uses to describe me escapes me at the moment. The gist is that I am emotional and feminine, sometimes.

I have been lonely and sort of crying out for attention and accepting it where I could get it. In the midst of it all I have become something I am not and there is no excuse. You know the argument was made if I am going to do it, why do it where people are and interact with each other and the truth is that I never took it that serious. This time it was serious and I tried to stop it before it was too late but it was already out of my control. Now I am feeling stupid. I say again, I deserve it and probably a lot more. I may have gotten off easy. I don't think it's over though.

I was torn. Torn between someone who gave me all of the attention I wanted and needed and someone who seemed to want all the same things I wanted. When one wasn't there, the other was and I just went with it. It wasn't fair to either of them. I realize that. I seriously fucked up.

I apologize to you all for not being who you thought me to be.

Man Charged For Having Sex With A Patio Table

2008-04-05T17:36:00.001-05:00

Police in Ohio say that a married father of three has confessed to repeatedly having sex with his patio picnic table. Is that really all he could find?

read more | digg story

More Than A Month, The Catch Up

2008-03-03T23:53:00.000-05:00

It's been more than a month since I last posted. Everyone of you who read regularly, knows that my blog is very personal to me. I have had a really rough year. I decided to try to focus on my real life a bit more, so I haven't been posting. Life has taken an ugly, then an uglier turn for me recently.

I find myself living off of fast food. Luckily I don't eat 3 meals a day and I guess definitions on what fast food is will vary. For instance, yesterday I had a Subways sandwich with a carrot juice, today I had chicken with broccoli and brown rice and tomorrow I will likely have some "red pea" soup from Mike's International Diner. Is that fast food? Then again, I am eating better this week. I fear for my health a little.

I have been having more frequent headaches. I am stressed and blogging used to be my way of dealing with it. So now I don't have any outlets. It's easier to share with all the strangers and few friends who know of my blog.

There is one plus. I am a lot more vocal. I use the phone more. I still instant message a lot and then there is Pownce and twitter. Reading tweets is usually a pleasant part of my day. My friends keep me amused.

Right now I am in limbo. All of my dress clothes are mysteriously missing. What am I to do right? I will figure something out. I was being scouted for a high profile job last week and I think I botched up because I got sick. No excuses though, most of you already know. The switch is either off or on, no in between, right?

Anyway, that is all I have for now. I will be back shortly.

Polishing

2008-01-18T16:33:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about my situation. Why I am in it, what it means and what I am going to do about it. Seems that nothing bad ever happens by itself. Lost my job, ran through my savings, lost my unemployment, bedbugs, Department of Labor wants me to pay the unemployment back. Now what am I to do. A new MySpace friend sent me the quote below a couple of days ago and it seemed to make things a bit clearer.

Life is a grindstone, but whether it grinds you down or polishes you up depends on what you are made of.
- Robert E. Johnson, an African-American Entrepreneur
[From Wisdom for the Soul - Attitude ]

I am thinking about my next steps. I know I am going to have to apply for Public Assistance. LOL, still makes me sick. I need medical assistance and I have no income, so I will have to apply and go through the initial process in order to get the medical insurance.

Right now I crippled. I can't search the web, I don't have a reliable connection. I have been connecting through Bluetooth Pan on my phone, but the only thing I seem to be able to connect to is Adium. I miss my IM buddies, the one's I talk to regularly anyway. I can't even access my email. I did make it to the library yesterday. My MacBook kept dropping the WiFi connection, so in the 3 or so hours I was there, I got little done. Every time I thought I was sending something, I wasn't, LOL.

I realize, I need to adjust. I just hit my low point. I refuse to fall any lower. I am being polished. I have simply grown and come too far to be ground down. I realize that I have a lot of support now, at least emotional. A lot of people believe in me, some don't even know me, but they say they see something special in me. I will not let you guys down, I will not let my son down and I will not let myself down. I have come so far and have so much farther to go.

No news is...

2008-01-08T17:55:00.001-05:00

The other day I said no news could be good news, but when it is prolonged it most likely is bad news. I did not get the job. Time to make this happen. I am not sure what direction I am going in, but I need to get stuff going. Maybe it’s time to take another direction.

See more progress on: find a job

Interview!

2008-01-06T00:37:00.001-05:00

I sent out ecards to the recruiters and headhunters I had mad contact with at the agencies for Christmas and New Years. Thanking them, wishing them well and letting them know I am looking forward to working with them in the new year. I even sent one to the recruiter at my previous agency, who knows if I will ever cross paths with him again.

The day after Xmas I had an interview for a word processor position which seemed to go very well. I am waiting on feedback. The hiring manager is on vacation. She should be back on Monday. I guess in this case no news is good news. I am still looking though. Who knows something better may turn up.

See more progress on: find a job

Stalled

2008-01-05T14:18:00.001-05:00

My repayment plans have stalled. I have been stuck for about a month. I spent the day calling my bill collectors. Due to my inability to pay, one more account slipped into collections. One account is in collections due to an error on Macy*s part. We are trying to resolve this now.

I am hoping I can make my long term goal of being debt free by December 31 of this year. Not the way I wanted to start of 2008, but all hope is not gone.

See more progress on: get out of debt

Learning JavaScript

2008-01-02T00:20:00.001-05:00

This has been something that has escaped me for some time. I can’t believe I have managed to procrastinate for two years. It is one of my original goal.

I intend to be familiar with at least the fundamentals of JavaScript, by the end of the month and to figure out a way to use it regularly enough not to forget everything.

I have a fairly recent tutorial that I intend to start with. All the while attempting to find new applications for it.

See more progress on: learn javascript

2007 in Review

2007-12-31T23:06:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about what I was going to write here. I haven't felt much like blogging in a very long time. So much has happened over the last year that I chose to remain silent about.

I chose to write this because I thought it a challenge. It would be fitting in this year, my year of challenges. [From dramatizations: A story about me]

More fitting may be the challenge of not saying too much this year round. I felt it would be appropriate though to take a look back at years past. So that I can give you and get a perspective of where I am coming from and where I want to go. I have met many challenges over the last few years. When I first started posting here, things weren't going well for me at all. Just waking up in the morning was a challenge. Feels like I am there again.

To borrow from Styles P, “Life is a circle of pain.” This holds true, for me especially. Growing up pretty much sucked. My sister and I have survived thieves, drug addicts, people trying to hurt us by using the condition of others against us. [From dramatizations: A story about me]

Life is no longer as painful. I recognize that there is always another day. Nothing is absolute. I can no more blame anyone for my position in life than they can blame those before them. I am responsible and I am moving forward, albeit slowly. More than ever, this year I am ready to let the past go. I don't even care about what happened yesterday. Everything changes for a reason.

I was once afraid of change... Once change began to happen, it was welcomed. I had been hustling on the low almost all my life. Whether selling, lending or running, I did it. Not proud of all of it, but I made it happen. I never quit. I never said die... I had no fears. I developed them later. [From dramatizations: A story about me]

Change is inevitable. I am still afraid sometimes. I still look forward to it though. I can't quit. I can't give up. I will never say die. I am ready to meet my fears head on. I am still going to make it happen.

I have given so much over the years. I have nothing left to give. I am tired. Tired of them taking. No one ever seems to give back or better yet, share. If we are friends, we all should benefit. I think it's time to stop giving. I will never be a taker. I only want what is due me.

I think it’s funny how when people have nothing they are willing to give their all and when they have somethings they are willing to give nothing. I was never and never will be like that. [From dramatizations: A story about me]

What makes people do that? When you are poor, broke, hungry you are willing to share with the people who are there struggling with you. When you get a little bit, you no longer have it to give. You know what? I will not take. I beg you nothing. I will always be willing to share with those less fortunate than me. My reward will come first from my conscience, then force, karma, gravity, divine judgment or whatever you want to call it. If payback is a bitch, lol, sometimes she will give head.

I met some people, some people came back into my life, some left temporarily, some for good… BYE! Can you see me waving? Some of you preach friendship but really, you're just full of shit. [From dramatizations: 2006 in Review]

Not so scared of people coming into my life and not sticking around anymore. I just wish more of the good ones would stick around. I tend to miss y'all a lot. You know why you are.

The one who I know is feeling me, flat out doesn't want to be with me. [From dramatizations: 2006 in Review]

That certain someone and I did make a connection, didn't last though. She and I seem to have mad love for each other and chemistry but we seem to be playing a constant game of human chess with each other. So we are just friends now.

Believe it or not this year I actually had a girlfriend. It lasted for about two months. She didn't have any respect for me. My advice to any man who has a woman telling them about their Xs or other male friends all the time is that she doesn't want you she wants them or a combination of them. No need to deal with it, at all. For a moment I felt like I had someone, turns out my "boyfriend" title was only justification to have sex.

I don't need a girlfriend, I have a lot of people who want to show me their worth no matter what position they play in my life and my little boy.

This year my little boy has made me very proud. Not just because he is a good child, but also because I was blessed with a glimpse of the man he is going to become. [From dramatizations: 2006 in Review]

He too is going through some stuff now. I am proud as ever about his accomplishments and how he handles most of his challenges. He has to deal with so much and does it so well. I love him. I have to be hard on him and push him, I need for him to be reminded who he is and what he has done, the choices he's made and inform him as much as I can of the choices he is yet to make.

I have accomplished a lot this year. I have fallen again though. I am strong. Things couldn't be any worse. I still wake, I still breath, I still stand and I still walk, forever moving forward. I have learned that when I do fall it just means that I have to stop and look and change some things that might not have been right.

My outlook on the coming year is still optimistic and I am ready.

Now, as we close 2005 and the most painful chapter in my life, I hope. I, not too long ago, was without hope, faith and will. Oooops, now entering the the New Year, I am full of what I see in my future. [From dramatizations: A story about me]

This year I lost my job. I paid off more of my debt. I was a father. I was a brother. I learned to be happy and content with myself.

Last year the question was what is it I see before my fist. The answer is my fate. Not a fate that was written for me but a fate that I am yet to write. I have to make some moves. Make some choices. I am about to go to war and so many will not like me, some will love me and others will hate me. I will continue to tread my measures. I will probably continue to fall and get back up. This is not 2005. I am a different person. I have grown and I have lived. Here's to 2008. What you got for me?

I don't really know what happened

2007-12-31T04:25:00.001-05:00

I used to drink a half gallon daily. Now I don’t even think I get a cup. I need to get back to water like NOW.

See more progress on: drink more water

Why I want to meet DRox

2007-12-28T04:26:00.001-05:00

As her name implies she way “Rox!” She is fast becoming my best friend on the web, always available to me and ears are always open.

I am anxious to see how all this translates from virtual to real world.

Learn more about DRox

The 6th Month

2007-12-25T16:45:00.001-05:00

I have been out of work for about 6 months now. I did not apply for unemployment right away, not until about 2 months in. I depleted my savings.

Recently, they cut off my unemployment. They are saying I lied on the application and they want me to pay the unemployment I did collect back. Hmmm, you know I am going to appeal this right?

I did get to work two days last week and I have an interview tomorrow morning. Things will get better, they couldn’t get any worse or could they?

See more progress on: find a job

Damn, Jena! | BlackGayBlogger.com

2007-10-29T19:31:00.001-05:00

stunting on the red carpet and showing the thousands of people who fought for their cause, wore black, and marched in their town for their sake that, so far, it's amounted to presenting at the BET Awards? [From Damn, Jena! | BlackGayBlogger.com]

It's Been So Long

2007-10-28T20:33:00.001-05:00

I haven’t tried a typing test in some time. I know that I type quite a bit faster than I used to. I don’t have access to Mavis Beacon at the moment, not sure I need it though. I type how it feels natural to me. I still have a bit of trouble with the number keys but I am sure I will work that out soon as well.

See more progress on: learn to type

About 4 Months coming

2007-10-22T13:15:00.001-05:00

I have been looking for a new job since I lost my last one at the end of June. I was a Presentation Specialist/Graphics Operator. I have been up for several positions that were either in line or parallel to my objective, but they all seemed to fall through. With the current hiring freeze in the industry I have few options. I can shoot below, take a job for now that isn’t going to get me anywhere, I can sit and wait or I can either shoot for something above and fill in the blanks as I go, which I am sure I can.

I think sharpening my lesser promoted skills over the next few weeks and maybe putting together a simple portfolio of stuff that simply shows that I have the ability might work nicely for me. Time to start leveraging my hidden talents.

See more progress on: find a job

Still Haven't Gotten My Scale

2007-10-22T12:15:00.001-05:00

What it has been more than a year, probably a year and a half since I said I would get a scale. I thought I had put back on the weight that I had lost in pursuit of this goal. Now my clothes are hanging off of me, more than they have in years. I need to get a scale in order to monitor my losses and gains.

I have over the course of the last year changed my eating habits. I now eat more organic products. Drink my tea unsweetened and have converted to whole wheat wherever possible. I also find I am not eating in anticipation of a hunger that hasn’t surfaced yet. No more, "I am eating this much so I will not be hungry later!"

See more progress on: lose 5 pounds

Slowed Down, But Haven't Stalled

2007-10-22T12:05:00.001-05:00

Well since I lost my job, I had to cut back on my savings and debt repayment. I am paying about half what I was paying when I was working. The job market is bad right now. There is a hiring freeze in my industry. I have, however, managed to pay off 63% of my debt since August of 2006.

See more progress on: get out of debt

I'm Unemployed, Again

2007-06-30T16:01:00.000-05:00

I lost my job on Tuesday. I am looking for a new job and I should be OK for a couple of months, at least.

Technorati Tags: unemployment, jobsearch

iPhone Scientifically Rated (Verdict: Great Call Quality) - Gizmodo

2007-06-30T15:57:00.000-05:00

Here is one very important reason I want an iPhone. As anyone who speaks to me on a regular basis knows, the call quality on my AT&T 8525 isn't great.

iPhone Scientifically Rated (Verdict: Great Call Quality) - Gizmodo:

…Their results for the iPhone? Best they've seen.

It scores higher on the frequency response test compared to the BlackBerry 8800, Helio Ocean, LG Prada, Nokia N95 and the Treo 750. The audio quality is great as well, as is the send frequency response…

Hmmm! I can't wait to find another job.

Technorati Tags: apple, iphone

Graduation Day

2007-06-22T22:52:00.000-05:00

I am a very proud father. Graduation day has finally come to a close. My son, while he wasn't Valedictorian or Salutatorian, this year, his achievements did not go unnoticed. My boy… That brings a big smile to my face.

My son was one of 3 children chosen from his district, all from his class I might add, to be in an "elite" academic program spanning the next 7 years, with an intense 14 month prep component.

I am so getting ready for all of his successes.

Today, I am spent physically, mentally, finncially… but this is OK. I was done proud. This week, I went to a series of meetings, an orientation, his 14 hour plus senior trip and today his graduation and little family celebration afterwards, all the while going to work. LOL, I am on my way to work now.

In the morning he has a picnic with Prep for Prep, where he gets to meet, get to know a little the other members in his unit. My son the superstar… I am sure he is as exhausted as I am. Can't wait to ask him about his prom tomorrow afternoon. Who did he dance with? How much fun did he have?

Dramatic: Happy Father's Day! Special Love all the ladies holding it down for the absent half-men.

2007-06-17T08:28:00.000-05:00

Dramatic: Happy Father's Day! Special Love all the ladies holding it down for the absent half-men.:

Dramatic: Happy Father's Day! Special Love all the ladies holding it down for the absent half-men.

Everything is a learning experience

2007-06-11T03:16:00.001-05:00

I always try to learn as much as I can. Sometimes it just doesn't get done because I procrastinate or I just don't get the subject matter, like today trying to learn JavaScript or XML.

When I first started learning web related stuff, I seemed to get it almost immediately. I got a good basic grasp of HTML, VBScript, ASP, and I was able to write and edit minor JavaScripts. I had fun with the HTML Guru's DHTML templates. I even got interviewed at some big names and not so big names. I forgot everything because I never applied what I learned. Today all of it just seems foreign to me, but i am still interested in web development and design.

I am trying to figure out where to go from here. I want to learn, sometimes I get in my own way by trying to learn too much at one time. I have books. I am thinking about subscribing to one of those online tutorial sites, maybe just for the summer, so that I can get a grasp on the basics of what I am trying to learn. I think I should be able to move forward from there.

I guess we will see how that goes. I will not be beaten on this. I may not be able to learn it all but i can learn a good deal and be great at what i know. I am hoping I can rely on some of you for help. Maybe answering questions directly or pointing me in the right direction.

Bros Before Hoes

2007-06-06T22:48:00.000-05:00

Isn't that how it goes? Is blood really thicker than water? Well… let's see!

My brother's girlfriend is a nut. Let…s see if he is going to alienate his family for her. If so, I guess we…ll "watch what happens when (she) cheats on (him)!" Her words.

In my book you don…t turn your back on the people who are there for you. That…s the worse form of betrayal in my book.

I am going to ask him if he deleted me from his friends list. If he did and that is really how he feels, then he better be ready for what ensues. If you going to act like you don…t need anyone, then you need to be ready to be man enough to carry the weight by yourself.

I still don…t like his ex-girlfriend for him, but she wasn…t crazy and definitely wouldn…t take out what happen between her and someone else out on him. This is what the disagreement between she and I was about. The whole "when I cheat on you" comment.

Baby Momma Drama

2007-06-04T13:38:00.000-05:00

OK, here is the deal. As promised, though a bit late, the 1st in my series of posts about what's been going on in my life and where I stand now. I realize as much as I would like to blog often, I just have so much going on, my heart isn't always going to be in it.

Yahoo! 360° - NONNA'S NICK NACKS - Hearing the Big News, without my rose colored glasses:

Recently, I am involved in a similar situation… My son's mother and my cousin. It's disgusting but once someone referred to him as my "shadow-self," said all h managed to capture was my initial charm. They used to talk about how he was trying so hard to be me. Then he got jealous and being me became beating me. He stole from me, he had to have my son's mother. "I have alway wanted you," what he told her.

Last year around August, it had been brought to my attention that my son's mother and my cousin, someone whom I was very close to growing up, were seeing each other. This is not news to some of you. I do chat when I have a chance, but have found myself becoming increasingly distant in that respect too.

I shrugged it off and continued my life. I had just began dating since my last relationship ended four or five years prior to that time. I am over her. In my mind one man's trash is another man's gold. This true for both of them. I deal with my son's mother where the kids are concerned. Thinking back, she was important to my ecosystem. She gave me my son and I not so happily tied to her for like an eternity.

I really did not care, at the time anyway, as long as it didn't affect the kids. My son started to really distance himself from her. Everyone knows how much I love my son. I began to inquire as to why he didn't want to go "home." This was the week of Thanksgiving, when things blew up I mean. Before then, I noticed certain things that confirmed my suspicions, all the while keeping it to myself. Didn't want to alert the kids if they didn't already know. I just did not know how discretely the situation was being handled. My son brought to my attention the weekend prior to Thanksgiving he was really uncomfortable being over there. On that Monday, she wanted to fight. The gloves were off. I let her know I knew.

In her defense, she is grown and it's none of my business, none of their business and whoever told me needs to get a life and kiss her ass and a bunch of other bullshit. Dumb ass, starts making calls and cussing people out, pretty much randomly. Since no one had to tell me a thing, she was just making enemies.

I go over to her house to talk. End up running damage control. A "friend" of a "friend" was over there wanting to fight her. Everyone broke out when they saw me walk through the door. Hmmm! they said I had the look of death on my face.

Fast forward… OK, all the things said, all the things done. I am notoriously mean and I was the nice one. Hearing shit about her being afraid for her life. Hearing shit about him and his other cousin trying to push "special" drinks on her. She thought she was being set up to be raped. Still defending him. I told her I didn't want him around the kids. Can't trust him.

Her mother is convinced I am jealous or I just plain don't want to see her with anyone else. Why be jealous? I am turned on by ambitious women. Women who go out and get theirs. What am I going to do with a female that thinks it's acceptable to sit around and wait for a $46 check.

Then to find out she wasn't taking care of his school stuff at all. Missed all of his open houses, which took place between October and November. So I had to step up and be on his applications triple time. Most days I don't get home until just before he does.

She had one of the acronym entities involved with the protection of children pull my son out of class to question him. His counselor said he was present and that Lil' looked so uncomfortable. Neither the counselor nor his teacher had ever met her up until that point and stated so. My son told the lady that was questioning him, that he wanted to live with me.

Recently, she reached out to me and I had to tell her that I couldn't help and be the bad guy anymore. She tells everyone one little pieces of the story and has everyone at odds. In a nut shell, you mad your bed, lie in it.

In the midst of her stupidity, she lost her job several weeks ago. Which means there are likely a myriad of unnecessary battles ahead between me and her.

I got that feeling

2007-05-29T15:51:00.000-05:00

OK, I haven't been posting much lately. I got that feeling old feeling now. So much shit has been going on… Can you say overwhelmed with life?

It all started early last year. I had just been conned, I had just applied for welfare… Shit just was not going the way it was supposed to. The hurt I felt having my trust betrayed, the physical sickness of me walking into the Public Assistance office, so disgusted. I never understood how, why someone could, would sign their lives away for pennies. I couldn't bring myself to collect on it, I couldn't bring myself to go into FEGS each day and deal with the rabble, fuck…

Then as I started pulling things together and getting stuff straight, I started losing friends. I supposed if they couldn't understand my need to separate and focus, they weren't friends to begin with. I think I only bring this up right now, because I am lonely. I am without companionship, without love… Who cares, right?

Anyway, this could have very easily become a who done it encyclopedia. I decided to break it all down and post daily about what is on my mind at that moment. Could be once a day, twice a day or more. Stay tuned! I will bring you all up to speed and then we will move on to bigger and better things.

Corinne Bailey Rae

2007-05-21T17:05:00.001-05:00

Corinne Bailey Rae, originally uploaded by Dramatic. I love her voice

As of about 2 weeks ago this CD is on heavy rotation in my playlist.

Vote for Knowledge! VH1 - I Love New York 2

2007-05-11T13:27:00.000-05:00

VH1 - I Love New York 2:

My brother is trying to hit up New York. Vote for him, Knowledge! She need to be treated to some of that Brooklyn flava.

Technorati Tags: i love new york

Waking up in Columbus, OH

2007-04-21T07:22:00.001-05:00

I arrived yesterday. I haven’t done much yet, but I am having a great time. Went out to eat a couple of times. My friend is a busy girl. Today we will do more. Expecting to visit German Village at some point today.

See more progress on: Columbus

MacBook

2007-04-21T07:11:00.000-05:00

Ended up buying myself a new black MacBook so that I can get back to all of the stuff I love. Like learning, currently JavaScript, and blogging.

Technorati Tags: macbook

A review of Melba's: Beautiful...

2007-03-31T22:34:00.001-05:00

Briefly…

Went here on March 16th. It’s a beautiful little place with mirrored walls and a candle light at every table. Everyone’s smiling… Seemed as though we were silently invited to come in and get comfortable, like family.

I arrived, a bit earlier than the rest of my party, to find several people at the bar and people just sitting and enjoying the atmosphere. I found out later that one of the people at the bar was “Melba,” the owner of this lovely little establishment and Sylvia’s daughter. Aside from the coat check lady, the young woman who had been bartending came to greet me at the door, followed shortly by the waitress.

As I sat, I was able to look around and take in the warmth. I made a few calls and mused that this might be just the spot to share a moment with a special someone. Oh no! The little dancing flame went out on my table, Melba immediately noticed took care of it herself.

Fast forward…

We ordered… The food wasn’t quite what I was looking for. I can’t really rag on it, it just wasn’t what I was looking for. I wanted it to be like my Grandmother’s cooking. Overall it wasn’t bad, not at all, actually. The Buffalo wings were as could be expected. The Buttermilk Fried Chicken was well done, well seasoned and cooked to perfection. The “Tres Mac and Cheese,” wasn’t my deal at all. I think it was the pepperjack cheese that killed it for me. I just wish the menu could have been a bit more diverse.

I noticed, also, that Melba remembered faces. She was greeting her return visitors with a kiss and a hug. Not just people that have been there many times, but even a group that had been there just once before. I also noticed that it may be common for people just to stop in to say hi.

Overall I had a great experience and I will definitely go back the first chance I get. Warm, cozy, like home should be.

See more progress on: Melba's

J Beast, The Damager Defiler

2007-01-30T18:24:00.000-05:00

F²(1M)="Hahahaha!"

What a joke!

Shit was All Good Just a Week Ago

2007-01-26T19:47:00.000-05:00

Just a week ago I was being reassured and admonished for being negative about the situation. Today I feel like I don't exist to her. Go figure huh.

I put my heart into too much of what I do. There are a couple of people interested in me. One is completely unavailable, she's a good mom (very sexy). The other has these really nasty episodes. One day she misses me, wants to hear my voice and the next she is not in the mood for me.

For a little while there was a third. She just stole the show. She was completely available. She was as excited if not more to hear from me, then this week, it all came to an end. Even though I told her it would. She tried to convince me it wasn't so.

The funny thing is, they will all read this at some point or other, but the one thing I am sure of is that they all respect my honesty.

A fourth person from a not too distant past, who likely still reads my blog — Hi, lady with the pretty eyes, once told me that I love hard. I think I do. Too hard!

Now where do I stand. I am a little hurt, by all meantioned above. I am mostly hurt by myself. I know I am not meant for certain things, but I still remain open to them. I don't know why. I just do. When you invest in someone, no matter how much or little, you lose something everytime there is no return on that investment.

I am smirking. Let's see what happens now. The two remaining ladies are very special as well. What will they do with the new information. The third is still very special as well but… it is what it is.

My Gift To You

2007-01-07T16:39:00.000-05:00

Here I am, just a man. Feeling pain gives me life. Relieving yours is my plan. I'd do anything just to see through your eyes... just to see through your eyes...

2006 in Review

2006-12-31T01:41:00.001-05:00

OK, this is going to be long, so I have to break it up into pieces. It's been a great year. Started off quite rocky though.

Maybe it might not be as long as I thought. I will attempt to resist the urge to ramble.

I started the year alone, with no job and no hope. I was conned at the beginning of the year to the tune of about 12G, which I am in the process of paying off now. I applied for "Welfare" in January — Call it what you want, Welfare is still Welfare, the thought of it still makes me physically sick.

I met some people, some people came back into my life, some left temporarily, some for good… BYE! Can you see me waving? Some of you preach friendship but really, you're just full of shit.

Love, yeah, I am a big loser there. Am I? Life's not over. This one or that one might be feeling me but no one is stepping up. The one who I know is feeling me, flat out doesn't want to be with me. I have been alone for a long time. There is still hope though.

During the latter half of 2006, I managed to pay off about 43% of my 30G debt.

This year my little boy has made me very proud. Not just because he is a good child, but also because I was blessed with a glimpse of the man he is going to become.

I am presently employed. My scope is broad. I have my sights set on BIG things in the coming year.

See, that wasn't so bad. I figured why trouble you with all the gory details of me getting my ass kicked. I did enough venting throughout the year.

I have two maxims to live by this year... "Closed mouths don't get fed" and "don't talk about it, be about it."

Yahoo! Answers - How do you set up SprintPCS mail on a Pocket PC?

2006-12-29T10:32:00.000-05:00

Yahoo! Answers - How do you set up SprintPCS mail on a Pocket PC?

I am trying to help a couple of friends set up their SprintPCS mail on their Pocket PC phones. One is using a Palm Treo 700wx and the other is using a Sprint PCS VisionSM Smart Device PPC-6700. The information I have found on the web: pop.sprintpcs.com, smtp.sprintpcs.com, and imap.sprintpcs.com don't seem to be working.

Extremely Proud Father

2006-12-14T18:55:00.000-05:00

This morning after work I went to my son's Prep For Prep meeting. He was in his Junior Achievement session. Two completely different things.

Within Prep for Prep he has the opportunity to sharpen and build his skills. For the next two years, he will be prepped for his future and to exceed standards on every level. As most of you already know. He is already "gifted and talented." He would be taking on the Prep for Prep curriculum on in addition to his already advanced coursework. During the course of the program he will also have opportunities for trips to various parts of the country, both educational and recreational, and also chances to study abroad. He wants to go to France and England. He would be giving up 7 weeks of his summer for the next 2 years and go to sessions on Wednesdays after school and Saturdays. In all this is a huge opportunity for him.

I wish I had the opportunity to take part in something like this when I was his age. I will not force it on him, however. He has to make the choice to invest himself in program and take advantage of all of the opportunities we are trying to open up.

I woke up after my nap to a voicemail from his teacher. She wanted to tell me what a pleasure it is to work with him, how hard he is working and how proud I should be of him. Proud… understatment! I called her back a little while ago and she recognized my voice immediately. She went on to say that he is a great mathematician, an artist and a brilliant story teller.

Anonymous Comment on Assumptions

2006-12-13T14:40:00.000-05:00

Ok, I am still not into Anonymous comments. I do however want to answer sometimes.

.::dramatizations: Slipping Into a Former Life::.:

Anonymous said...
No man can judge for another but each man must weigh all facts and circumstances and find truth to his own judgment of righteousness------if you know that why does it always feel like you are judging someone... Assumption is a form of judgement. and you are always assuming what someone is doing with their time or assuming that you know why someone isnt always hanging around you or calling. Life happens to the best of us.

I don't assume what people do with their time, but it's a fact if every day of every day of every week of every month… you have a reason. Your reasons are excuses. So I have another quote for you: Your actions speak louder than your words. Therefore I am not making assumptions, I am making observations. When I do make an assumption, feel free to point out that I made an ass of myself.

Slipping Into a Former Life

2006-12-10T10:52:00.000-05:00

Waking up this morning, reflecting on the events of last night which kicked off my day. The year plus stint has come to an end. This wasn't the way I imagined it or the way I wanted it. Little ill kept spot with hourly rates. The room was clean tho, at least as far as the eye could tell.

Her. she was a carry over from a past incarnation of me in this lifetime. One of the best parts of then. Lately we had been talking about what we meant to each other and why we didn't stay together all those years ago. We were different people then, both trying to find our own paths, paths that would bring us to the people we are today. Our worlds are still so far apart. The window for us to be together has long passed. It just wasn't meant to be.

It never ceases to amaze me how she always get all dolled up for our late night meetings. Since we parted she gained a lot of weight, approximately a third of herself, and lost most if not all of it. Now she is about the size she was during the time we kept company. Her jeans fit so beautifully, had to ask her to twirl around for me. I used the same gesture from our first encounter, my down pointed finger drawing a little circle in the air. We laughed about how she's permanently branded with something from a moment we shared. No one else will ever hear about it. It's our secret.

I tried to wait for the person I wanted to be with but it seems that I will fall into one of two roles in a woman's life right now, with that of the emotional crutch or as some might call the "honorary boyfriend" or the "cut buddy." In any event it's I am there to patch up the broken parts of someone's life, not to be a part of it. I had the opportunity to be with someone who really wanted me, all of me. We didn't care and never have about what was going on outside of us. We were and always have just been there for each other.

I hope when you read this you understand that I am in between houses and need to find a home. If it isn't with you, I am sorry. It's our loss. I know how special you are. I know I could make you happy if you'd just let me. I am tired of fighting though. Tired of fighting my nature. Tired of fighting for a love that's never going to love me.

Choices

2006-12-04T20:11:00.000-05:00

Love is a choice. I make the choice to love you, whether consciously or unconsciously. Conversely, I will make the decision to not love you. My love is simply the conclusion I came to after assessing who you are, who you were and who you are trying to be. If I feel that you do not realize the value of what's being gifted to you I will likely make the choice that you aren't worthy of my it and take it away.

Love for me is an action. Not physical, necessarily.

All that being said, a new friend put me on to this quote in the Bible:

Love is patient and is kind; love doesn't envy. Love doesn't brag, is not proud, doesn't behave itself inappropriately, doesn't seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

Thank you Stacey. Prior to falling in love and dealing with so much crap and then realizing that I am completely responsible for what was going on with me this what I held to be true:

'It shall be fickle, false and full of fraud,
Bud and be blasted in a breathing-while;
The bottom poison, and the top o'erstraw'd
With sweets that shall the truest sight beguile:
The strongest body shall it make most weak,
Strike the wise dumb and teach the fool to speak.

'It shall be sparing and too full of riot,
Teaching decrepit age to tread the measures;
The staring ruffian shall it keep in quiet,
Pluck down the rich, enrich the poor with treasures;
It shall be raging-mad and silly-mild,
Make the young old, the old become a child.

'It shall suspect where is no cause of fear;
It shall not fear where it should most mistrust;
It shall be merciful and too severe,
And most deceiving when it seems most just;
Perverse it shall be where it shows most toward,
Put fear to valour, courage to the coward.

'It shall be cause of war and dire events,
And set dissension 'twixt the son and sire;
Subject and servile to all discontents,
As dry combustious matter is to fire:
Sith in his prime Death doth my love destroy,
They that love best their loves shall not enjoy.'

While a lot of times love does contradict itself by nature, it doesn't have to. I have come clean recently and told a lot of people what I really think of them and some I love you. My love is not to be taken lightly. I love for the sake of love and all that I hold dear and true.

Simple Thoughts

2006-12-04T15:51:00.000-05:00

Women who know what they want will almost never know it when it's in front of them. It seems to always escape their grasp and they continue to long for it. We who will escape into obscurity do and will always continue to loved y'all anyway.

Thank You...

2006-11-20T12:42:00.000-05:00

In this week of thanks, I will be dropping in every once in a while to say what I am thankful for.

I wanted to thank you, [Name withheld until later, just so we can square things off], for walking back into my life late last night and making all the things that were blurry, clear again. The connection we share is undeniable.

I have changed a lot, but know that I will never treat you any different.

Anonymous Comments

2006-11-19T10:59:00.000-05:00

.::dramatizations: 8 FILMS TO DIE FOR - AFTER DARK HORRORFEST::.:

I think you are a great writer. Keep it up, you are an inspiring person.

First off I would like to thank you for your comment. I sincerely appreciate it.

Everyone please use your first name or your screen name. Makes it easier to address you. Besides, I want to know who my friends and enemies are. Makes it easier to have your back or step over you respectively.

8 FILMS TO DIE FOR - AFTER DARK HORRORFEST

2006-11-16T16:01:00.000-05:00

8 FILMS TO DIE FOR - AFTER DARK HORRORFEST:

I am going this weekend. I am going to be in the movies all weekend by myself, like I used to. All 8 movies, I am not interested in Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horrors. I can't wait! I might tell what the movies are like as I see them or at least give a run down when it's all over.

I think keeping to myself this weekend is just what I need to clear my head. Then I am going to have a couple of shots of Hennessy to take the edge off. Sound like a plan.

Drink responsibly!

What is it this time?

2006-11-16T10:42:00.000-05:00

Warning: I am just going to write from the heart, exactly as I would say it if I were speaking to you.

All the things I say, so much more I would like to, but there aren't words for everything. I started my day... My day started off right. Very nice. Even tho yesterday I slept through my alarm, I woke up in time to get to work on time and had time to relax in the shower, didn't have to rush or anything. While I was on the way to work called a friend and apologized for not calling her the day before, told her that I had been trying to reach her since 6:30 a.m. Then much to my surprise another friend called, we kinda just reconnected and all of that. Had a very pleasant but brief conversation, her phone was dying so the convo ended as I sat down to work.

Clocked in. Went to the front for some work, not much there. Did a minor QC, made my notes. Went back to the front. Told to go see Mary, had some logos to be traced. OMG, an easy night, not that I mind working. The whole graphics thing is just in my element. I am experiencing a bit of creativity block so I am not creating as much. I have ideas but can't seem to bring them to life. Tracing, tracing, tracing all night... which essentially means I was just fucking around. For me tracing logos, especially since I don't really know Corel is like playing for me. I am in it for the experience. Finding new things and new ways of doing old things. I fuckin' love that shit.

Listening to my shuffle. Laughing at how it seems toplay all the music relevant to my life right now. Had chicken parm from that accursed place with pasta. It always give me gas. I was, however, famished, starving, whatever. I was also laughing at how all day yesterday, people been telling me that I don't sound like I look. People who have known me for a while. The most amusing comment was that I look all ghetto but talk proper. I was also laughing about how Sherita, Ms. Writer Chick, says "talk." She has a very unique accent. I did not speak to her last night tho.

About a quarter to 7, I started bothering Octavia. I so adore her. No matter how mean she is trying to be, she makes me laugh. She always smiles when she is about to start trouble. I used to sit behind her so we used to bother each other all the time. Sat down and messed with Willie via inter-office chat. I was actually bothering everyone once I set to go on break. I been holding my breaks until the very end. Not sure why, I just been doing so.

My mother talks too much, making me sick right now.

Off subject. I come home about 15 minutes early to do my normal after work ritual and change clothes to rush off to Lil's school. My Minimee is going to Junior High School. Looking at schools for the gifted kids... Proud father am I. While I was on the train I realized that, by looking at the paper, flier again that it's not today. It's not until next month. Come home. Not quite relieved, not getting to sleep early. I am going to run out to see if I can buy my Tickets for Horrorfest this weekend.

Well I am not feeling to hot. I am wondering if loving someone is worth it at this point. To me, one person in particular is worth it, even tho I know she may never feel like I do. I am a fad to most women. They seem to be fascinated with me for a very brief period of time then poof, almost as tho I don't exist anymore. I feel like I had my one shot at love and I let it go. What it took to get to that choice is a sad story in it self. Natasha, will say, even swear that Destiny loved me. I am not so sure. I think I love someone else now. I will not tell her. She doesn't seem to be "feeling" me any more. I mean, I am being ambiguous on purpose, "feeling" me can be any number of people. I don't feel people like that. When I do I tend to seek their attention. Not getting it. Feeling like there's something wrong.

Happy Birthday Tazhy

2006-11-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

Mr. Pieca Wood a.k.a. Tazhy's Pet, originally uploaded by Dramatic. It's an inside joke. It was given to me during a really hard time for me from a really rough time in her life. It was kinda a symbol that to her, I was bigger than anything she was going through. It was a transfer of love and positive energy.

Only 2 other people know what this is about. I wish many times that things could go back to the way it used to be.

I want you to know that even though we aren't close anymore and things happen. I still love you and will never forget what you mean to me. Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Natasha!

2006-11-08T12:31:00.000-05:00

You are seriously one of the people that get more beautiful every year. When I met you, you were little more than a rough uncut little girl. Now what a lovely fuckin' lady you've become. Happy Birthday again Princess!

Congratulations

2006-11-08T12:23:00.000-05:00

Welcome Amir!:

Congratulations Dane on a job well done. She gave birth to a baby boy Saturday, November 4th. He weight 7 lb. 14 oz. Hopefully soon more information and pictures as they become available.

Amber gave birth to a 10 lb. 5 oz., 20 inch baby girl, Azrie Renee. Azrie was born on Sunday, November fifth at 3:15pm. Amber was in labor for several days.

Happy Birthday to the Amazon Goddess!

2006-11-05T10:44:00.000-05:00

Y'all know her as Ebony. I hope you get everything your heart desires. You're somethings special. If you keep getting older before I do. I will never catch up to you.

WTF Is Wrong with Women

2006-11-05T10:43:00.000-05:00

wakeupmotherfucker, originally uploaded by DrJoanne. The morning after a ménage à trois has gone terribly, terribly awry...

Aside from Dr. Joanne's pictures being fucking awesome. This one sums up how I feel right now.

As you can read form my random thoughts, previous post, I am having a little woman trouble. This week, a third expressed "feeling me." Not sure exactly what that means anymore. Apparently, women not only have to have a dictionary and encyclopedia completely contrary to ours but they reserve the right to change the definitions on the fly. This one I am "feeling" but she has spent some time trying to convince me that she wasn't interested in me. No all of a sudden, she is. I kinda panicked and I think I might have offended her a bit. She and I will have no doubt talk again soon. We go through these things quite often.

The problem with her comes in the form of... I am not sure it's worth it. I mean how do I know that the window on us being more isn't closed or shouldn't have been closed? Is she ready to deal with me? Can she handle the times when I disconnect? Or when I just plain need space and forget to say so? Since I know you will read this eventually, I am sorry about the other day. I was playing and went a little too far.

The simplest situation of the two previously mentioned in A Few Random Thoughts was the one who told me she loved me. She said a lot of things to me, which she all of a sudden doesn't remember. So I will simply act like it never happened.

Now the third, the one who expressed feelings. She said she wanted to show me attention this past week. I think you are crazy. I guess this is one of those situations you were talking about where if I didn't want it he would take it. Well I don't want it and he can have it. Sometimes you were such a good friend and then you get crazy. I cannot be uneducated and not good enough and wanted by at the same time. It doesn't make sense and it's weird. Sorry to see you go yet again but goodbye. This is the last time, my life is not a revolving door. I hope you get everything you want out of life.

A Few Random Thoughts

2006-10-31T17:35:00.000-05:00

A lady friend told me they loved me last week
A lady friend told me she had feelings for me, also last week
I don't believe them and I really am not interested in either of them
The two most important things said to me recently: have more confidence and trust yourself

A Positive Month, Financially

2006-10-31T16:58:00.000-05:00

So Far This Month (cont’d)...

This month turned out better than expected. I paid off 3 bills. Feels great. I did make my “savings replenishment” goal for the month, sort of anyway. I am about $7 short of a grand. I have decided to reset my checking account every month. I will transfer all of the money to my savings for the day before the last check of the month. The purpose of this is to save for what I want faster, but it serves another purpose… The less cash I have on hand means the less cash I am spending. Since my savings is not directly linked to my checking it takes days to transfer and a few additional steps beyond just swiping my debit card.

I am also thinking about rounding my debt out. Flat multiples of 50 or 100 are easier to calculate.

See more progress on: get out of debt

So Far This Month (cont'd)...

2006-10-22T19:12:00.000-05:00

Total debt, payout and savings, originally uploaded by Dramatic. November and December are estimated.

Read First: So Far This Month...

OK, I realize now that, because of some unforeseen expenses, I may not make my savings replenishment goal. It’s cool, I will make it up over the next couple of months.

I am putting off all unnecessary expenses on hold, at least until next month. I am also clipping coupons, hey adds up to laundry money. LOL, I am so not the coupon / sale type. I will likely forget them when I am out shopping. Not finding many anyway, but $3 is a double loader. I don’t really intend to make a habit of this and I definitely will not be that person holding up the line while I look for my coupons or pinch my pennies, LOL.

I am actually looking to adopt some new, healthy habits.

See more progress on: get out of debt

Beware Yahoo!

2006-10-21T15:19:00.000-05:00

IM Spam, originally uploaded by Dramatic. The offending message...

Fake: Sign in to Yahoo! (20061021), originally uploaded by Dramatic. I received this link in an instant message: www.geocities.com/ibe2233/. Clearly not the Flickr sign in page. I guess the obvious giveaway is that you don't sign in to Flickr through Geocities.

Real: Sign in to Yahoo! (20061021), originally uploaded by Dramatic. This is the real Yahoo! Flickr sign in page

Tried to steal my password today. No dice fuckers.

So Far This Month...

2006-10-16T11:16:00.000-05:00

I have made large payments towards my debt. I have used a good amount of my savings which is really my MacBook Pro fund. I would have paid off 3 bills entirely and more than half of one of the remaining 3. I wanted to bring it down to a point where I could tell exacly when I would have it paid off, which will be April of ‘07 or sooner. I wish I could do the same with the other two… well at my current pay rate I will have them paid off in 32 months.

As for my savings / MacBook Fund, I am thinking about a transformation there too. I need separate accounts for my goals. I am thinking about setting up an emergency fund, a travel fund, an X-mas savings account and an account for all the things I want. Any ideas?

More to come later…

See more progress on: get out of debt

Happy Birthday Dooney and Kyonna!

2006-10-15T14:58:00.000-05:00

I went out last night for Dooney's Birthday. We just did a little running around.

At dinner, which for the womenfolk consisted entirely of appetizers and water (some had drinks), I decided to have a Hennessy and Coke. A "mini-martini" soon followed. Cute waitresses and Kyonna's mother talked me into going to the surprise party afterwards.

Party... Azelia, oh yes, prettier than I remember. Looks like she's doing better. She was at Houlihan's with us. My first drink I can only imagine was a punch experiment. Too much fruit. It was like fruit that had been rinsed in vodka. Kyonna's mother didn't come through with the cognac, wtf. OK so I get my lil' refill, with less fruit. I get up and go fill the trippy (had swirling lights) ass glass with vodka to the rim. I know my limit so I drank just enough to mellow out after a hard work week.

We left. I like Shanell. She real cool. I didn't know this before. We never talked before a couple of weeks ago. We have some things in common. I think we gonna be cool friends. In fact we might do some shopping together this week. I want the Armani Product (red) watch. I might wait until X-mas though.

This Means You!

2006-10-14T12:22:00.000-05:00

Many have begged for what thou unasked ~~shalt have~~ could've had.

I know know you come here periodically, so I am laying it on the table. You and I were as close as two people could be. I separated myself so that I could get some things done and that I wouldn't take my pains and frustrations out on you. Got the you're too busy for me speeches, you don't want to talk to me, you are always to busy... yada yada fucking yada...

Then when I had some down time and tried to reach out, you shut me down. Your last word to me were "You played me, now I'm playing you." This hurt, deep. You know not many can make that claim, to have hurt me, but you did and you did so intentionally.

Here's the deal... We are no longer. All the talk about our future together, in our place as friends or whatever, done. We shared a few good moments but not enough to go through this bullshit over and over again. I have loved you as my sister, my lover and as my friend. You said you didn't need me, now I am doing better without you... How you like them apples?.

Sooner Than Anticipated

2006-10-08T11:57:00.000-05:00

Monthly Payments, originally uploaded by Dramatic. These are my payouts from Sept, Oct and December.

This month I will pay off an extra bill (DFS). One more than the original 2 I espected and I am paying off more than half of one of my remaining bills. Which means that by tax time 2007 I should have just one outstanding debt remaining.

Since I have the opportunity to pay off DFS, I am dipping into my savings to do so. This hurts a little bit. I will, however, be able to replenish my savings pretty quickly, as the absense of DFS allows me to almost double my monthly savings.

I know my debt reduction strategy is not for everyone. I simply take a big axe and swing at the little trees first. They are in my way. When I am done with those I work on the larger ones. I can take smaller, better placed swings which will bring my trees down with less effort. Or I just paid off the smaller, easier ones first and redirect all or most of my funds towards the larger ones.

Not for nothing, I am that much closer to my goal. I am still trying to figure out if a “Debt Free Xmas 2007” if feasible. Might have to defer my debt freedom until Easter 2008.

Last month I made the decision I wasn’t going to rush and pay the bills off just because I had the money. I paid off all of my interest baring accounts immediately. Allowing interest to build would be counter productive. The other bills I let stand until the time of the month I usually pay them. It just didn’t make any sense to make additional trips to the payment centers or use additional stamps or plain just waste the time needed to do these things. So I put the money in my savings account where I could get a bit of interest while I waited to pay the bills. Now I have the funds set to cascade from my savings to my checking as my due dates come up.

And then there were 3!

See more progress on: get out of debt

Break

2006-10-04T20:00:00.000-05:00

I am taking a break from all non-essential communications. I will be gone for a week maybe longer. NO PHONE, NO IM, NO EMAIL, NO BLOG, NO KIDDING!

This started Monday. I turned off my phone completely. I have still been checking mail only because it was necessary. Haven't IMed anyone, except to say goodbye to the few I knew would notice I am missing.

Need to rest. Need to sleep. Need to recharge. Need to separate myself from everyone and everything that would seek to keep me from doing so. Anyhow, I'm out.

It's Just Whatever!

2006-09-30T23:47:00.000-05:00

Me_3007, originally uploaded by Dramatic. My tee reads:

"In the wake of exhaustion
Through the eyes of non-believers
One thing is certain...

Keep Grindin'"

Keeping It Moving

2006-09-30T15:35:00.000-05:00

~~Now is the time to make our move, baby. Yesterday is gone forever and tomorrow will never come. What say you? You know who i am talking to.~~

No more moves to make. All moves are on hold. Redirecting my energies to guaranteed results.

My heart has no desires right now. Can't stand the disappointment anymore. Everything I wanted is out of my reach. So I am gonna throw on my favorite jeans and keep it moving. I don't intend to have a moment of weakness, no need for any reflections, apologies are not necessary. It is what it is like I said before.

For now all I want to do is get my little travel on. Some people want to see me and I need to get out of the city, see and do new things. I have never really travelled and when I did manage to get away, I never got to do anything. Maybe someday I will get to chill with "Sonny" in Hawaii. I hope to go to Brazil with John someday. I have a few places I want to go. I am going to start small and go a few random places this fall.

My debt seems to be coming under control. So there is room for me to do a little more. I need to just be like fuck it and relax.

Yahoo! Answers - Are there any simple text and email devices like Ogo?

2006-09-29T20:20:00.000-05:00

Yahoo! Answers - Are there any simple text and email devices like Ogo?:

I am looking for a device that simply does text messaging and email like Ogo. No voice, no nothing. Simple bare text and email.

Not So Random Thoughts

2006-09-28T17:15:00.000-05:00

I am about to walk away from a lot of things and people
My heart has no desires at the moment
I am getting better

I fell a little short this year

2006-09-25T08:44:00.000-05:00

I got caught up in the other aspects of my life. Had to focus more on getting a job and now clearing off my debt, both of which are shaping up quite nicely.

At times I am a little overwhelmed because things are moving so fast these days. I slow myself down too by trying to do everything at once and then I get a bit discouraged because I did not meet all of my goals. I do realize that the restraints I place on myself are a bit unrealistic. I am slowing down and learning to pace myself. I am doing better and not being “Superman” anymore doesn’t bother me as much.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

A Few Random Thoughts

2006-09-24T10:33:00.000-05:00

Why do you complain of your fate when you could so easily change it?

I am a few hundred dollars short this month, not a problem. Got tricks!
Could be out of debt as early as Christmas 2007
Women spit as much "G" as men
I stopped taking numbers. I rarely call. I give mine instead. No pressure
September 20 made it one year
A couple hundred people come to my blog every week and no one comments

Update: Tuesday, September 19, 2006

2006-09-19T11:13:00.000-05:00

0906, originally uploaded by Dramatic. (1) Estimated

September isn't over yet so it is still estimated. So far this is where I have been, where I am and where I expect to be over the next few months.

Over the next month I will pay off a significant portion of my debt and kill 3 bills and reduce one by approximately half. I have put the results in an accountancy table for you to view.

See more progress on: get out of debt

Hurting

2006-09-18T10:38:00.000-05:00

This weekend I held a baby. She just turned 3 months old. Her mother is a crack addict. She tried to kill her oldest sister (8 years old) out of paranoia this past weekend. It hurt me so much to hold and look at the baby. I just can't understand why anyone couldn't find the strength to do right in their children. The middle sister had a birthday this Saturday. Things were so screwed up for them, no one even noticed. I did not know how to console the oldest, her only concern was that the baby was OK, another case of having to grow up too fast.

I knew their mother since I was like 12. She is 3 years older than me. I know deep down she is a good person. I just feel that even though she may have been set on the wrong path, at some point it becomes your responsibility to find your way back. She has given up so much for her addiction.

I am thankful for my mother. She has been clean for 14 years. I have at least one more reason to stay on the "right path." I am proud that so many things my son may hear about but will never experience. Some of us are lucky like that. I wish it were the norm.

911: 5 Years Ago

2006-09-11T16:16:00.000-05:00

Here is my entry among the myriad of 911 posts. 5 years ago today I was at work, then Kinko's. Then everything just went mad. People running uptown screaming. No one really knew what was up. We were all trying to use our cell phones and got no signals.

When we finally started hearing bits and pieces, I just wanted to make sure my son was OK. I didn't know what happened until I got home, like 8pm -- I had been trying since about noon. Had to take a round about route.

Son... Check! Destiny... Where the fuck is Destiny? OK got a call a little while after that. Got a lift with some girl she worked with and her boyfriend, was hold up at her house all day. "Can I take a cab? I want to be with you."

Nothing really like hit me until the next morning when I went to Junior's to get all of us some breakfast and had to console the girl that was taking my order. Her aunt was lost. It didn't even hit home when I tried to go to work and Deon and Destiny were crying for me to stay.

So many lives lost. So many families broken. So many conspiracy theories born. Just remember! This is one more piece of history that I will never be able to show my son. This is New York, we picked up the pieces and kept it moving, but we never forgot.

Today, I work just over the bridge from Ground Zero. I pass it every morning as I leave work.

QOD

2006-09-07T08:22:00.000-05:00

Fly on the wall: "We can tune afterward":

Can anything be more idiotic than certain people who boast of their foresight? They keep themselves officiously preoccupied in order to improve their lives; they spend their lives in organizing their lives. They direct their purposes with an eye to a distant future. But putting things off is the biggest waste of life: it snatches away each day as it comes, and denies us the present by promising the future. The greatest obstacle to living is expectancy, which hangs upon tomorrow and loses today. You are arranging what lies in Fortune’s control, and abandoning what lies in yours. What are you looking at? To what goal are you straining? The whole future lies in uncertainty: Live immediately.

Windows bitching
Jason: “man working in windows is such a mess…the UI is just terrible…and all the apps UIs are terrible…the type is terrible…it’s amazing.”

Along similar lines, David pointed out this quote from Jaded Pixel: “Working with Windows makes me feel dead inside.”

Deposit Please

2006-09-06T16:47:00.000-05:00

In a previous post, Debt Defying that I had posted a PayPal "Donate" button on my blog. This is the case, but I am not just asking for money. In fact, monetary donations or not I assure everyone that I will meet my goals on or about the time I designated.

I said every little bit counts. You can contribute in the form advice too. This may be more beneficial in the long run anyway. If I can amend my habits and help my family do the same, even prepare my son to be better financially responsible. If you have any advice, please share it.

It was brought to my attention that no one would care to "give" me money when I have a job. I understand this and I respect it.

Right now, my immediate concerns are how to save for both myself and my son with everything I am trying to accomplish. I mean he may have educational expenses and other things that he might need my help with. I don't feel he should have to go through this with me, so I am trying my best to shield him from it. I want him to know the values of being responsible and hard word, but he should not have a clean slate to work with.

Shredding

2006-09-02T23:18:00.000-05:00

Going through lots of stuff. Letting go of the last bits of a past life, I am happy to close the door on.

Debt Defying

2006-08-29T12:26:00.000-05:00

When last I was in debt. I cut off everything that wasn’t essential to life. All I needed was food, which I budgeted at $50 a week, didn’t eat much outside of work. Transportation to and from work. No shopping, no entertainment, no nothing, at least for a long time.

All of the above isn’t an option right now. I have been out of work for some time and aside from the debt, I still have my son, I am older now, so the need to save is increasingly important, etc. In addition to that, more superficial, every once in a while, I would like to live a little.

How do I do that at this point. I have posted a PayPal donate button in the sidebar of my blog. I mean every little bit helps, right?. Anyway, I thought I’d try it, especially since I will be posting my milestones and any techniques I may learn.

I got the idea from lpkitten and on her “Debt Defier” blog she also mentions the Citibank e-savings account.

See more progress on: get out of debt

Update: Wednesday, August 30, 2006, 9:47 AM

Not Sleeping Too Good

2006-08-26T08:46:00.000-05:00

Just when I thought I had it together and got a grasp on my new shift, something comes along and throws my sleeping habits off. This week, with the exception of one day, I have been getting 2.5 hours sleep per day. I am going to see if I can correct this within the week starting with this weekend. I do still need to find out what broke my routine up in the 1^st place, so it doesn't happen again.

Karamel & I

2006-08-20T19:47:00.000-05:00

Karamel & I, originally uploaded by Dramatic. We were chilling and talking in Brooklyn into the wee hours of the morning.

Dinner, she made the meal sensual. Movie, "Snakes on a Plane," not the greatest but she made it all the more interesting. Then we just chilled until 4 a.m.

For The Love of Money!

2006-08-19T16:08:00.000-05:00

For The Love of Money! on 43 Things:

I have lived. I have loved. I have lost. I am made stronger…

Writely Publish Test

2006-08-19T10:51:00.000-05:00

Testing Writely so that I can blog from work.

Crushing Debt

2006-08-16T14:54:00.000-05:00

Just over 2 years ago I was completely debt free. Now I find myself under the weight of an enormous debt. I know my debt is not as large as some peoples, in fact to some mine would seem very small.

Currently my debt is about $35G. What makes it so heavy is not the amount. What make it heavy for me is the urgency of the debt. Everything was due immediately. Fortunately I initiated contact with my creditors, so I had a little more room for negotiation. I had the option of filing bankruptcy, but opted to pay off the debt.

In 3 years or by December 31 of the third yearWithin 2 years, I should be completely debt free. Currently my monthly payout is about 3/4 my total income, by this time next year it should be 1/4.

Update: Wednesday, August 16, 2006, 5:27 PM

At the beginning of the summer I had 9 past due accounts now I have 7. One of the two have been completely paid off. I am going to do a spread sheet to track my payments month to month. I may post the results here.

See more progress on: get out of debt

Nickib's Blog - Black Women.. Wake Up

2006-08-13T23:46:00.000-05:00

Not just because she is beautiful, intelligent and informed or because she loves her fat boys to death, but because her message is valid and relevant.

Black Women.. Wake Up:

Aids is affecting " US" as a black community in large numbers. I say " US" because even though we are not individually effected, What effects our community effects us all. This topic is do dare to me , but if you can recall an old blog, I get tested twice yearly And I have even posted my results of my tests during a blog called, " SHOW ME THE PAPERS" , matter fact, I carry my results around in my wallet.

Her message isn't just for black women but for us a community. We, black men, need to wake up too.

I like my women built...

2006-08-10T17:44:00.000-05:00

Since I have been asked how I like my women built like 3 times this week... I think she is a pretty good representation, even better maybe. The eyes the smile, the dimples... the way she is built -- larger on the bottom...

Fuck Dell

2006-08-09T09:14:00.000-05:00

Sun launch a catty campaign, originally uploaded by Zach Inglis. Put your claws away (if your wondering about the Hell, thats steam coming from it)

After Googling it: The Inquirer says....

SUN HAS PUBLISHED a set of adverts which it claims were rejected by august publications including the Wall Street Journal.
The adverts claim that the servers are better than the X86 servers Dell sells, and include headlines such as "Rhymes with Hell", "100% more bitchin' than Dell" and "Benchmark studies prove that Dell sucks".

I can attest to the validity of at least two of the above statements.

Ok, here's the deal... I have been going through some shit with Dell. After being out of work for 2 years, I am sure you could imagine the debt I am in. So Dell, fucking idiots, give my account to two collection agencies, both of which took money in the amount of $600 each out of my account.

Fast forward... Calling, calling, calling... Calling back and forth between Dell and the two collection agencies. Dell doesn't know which one is rightfully holding the account. The only thing everyone agrees upon, accept Dell of course, is that it's Dell's fault. Calling... calling... calling...

Seems as though the situation is coming to a conclusion, need to call the second agency about my refund.

Seriously, Fuck Dell! They suffer Mac envy. Shameless plug, Macs are better, smarter, more stable, safer, prettier and recently cheaper for comparable hardware and now you can run the shit operating system WinXP on a Mac. What the fuck you need a Dell for? Ehem, Fuck Dell!

Leo Drinking Habits

2006-08-09T09:09:00.000-05:00

This is so me...

LEO (Jul 23 – Aug 22) Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance — they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling – Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self–control. When they get over–refreshed, expect flirting to ensue — and perhaps not with the one who brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

Design Evaluation Review

2006-08-03T08:50:00.000-05:00

About 2 weeks ago I was given this screen show design evaluation. I did pretty good. I mean I am new to the whole financial/corporate presentations thing, but it seems my design sense and minimalist approach paid off. I fell short on stuff I wouldn't have know anyway, being that I have never done this stuff before.

I was told recently that I am lacking confidence now. Slowly that confidence is being restored.

The Boondocks on Procrastination

2006-07-27T07:56:00.000-05:00

The Boondocks on Procrastination, originally uploaded by Dramatic. I first ran across this on 43 Folders. The Boondocks | 7/20/2006 | goComics

Next Spring...

2006-07-24T02:28:00.000-05:00

I probably will not get my MacBook Pro until 2nd Quarter 2007. Apple upgrades their notebooks about every six months or so. My MacBook will probably be like 4th generation possible with Intel’s quad core processor. I am also waiting for Adobe CS3 and possible the formerly Macromedia Studio Suite, which are promised to be a “Universal Binary.” The next “Big Cat” will be launching around the 1st along with the new version of the iLife suite and anything else the folks at Apple can think of. Why not get them pre-installed? Aside from all the stuff I can’t wait to put on it, they should have worked out most, if not all, of the kinks by then.

For now I will just drool about the built in camera, the motion sensitivity, the smart track pad, dual booting (hopefully into Vista)...

I am anxious, but will try to be patient. For the time being my 2nd generation 17" PowerBook will have to do.

See more progress on: Get a MacBook Pro

Jews for Jesus

2006-07-24T01:13:00.000-05:00

Jews for Jesus (20060724), originally uploaded by Dramatic. There is a campaign going on in New York, I thought it was interesting.

Jews for Jesus

Weekend Project: Oprah's Debt Diet

2006-07-23T07:23:00.000-05:00

I'm getting out of debt, I'm getting out of debt. I am not on the Oprah Debt Diet, but I will definitely give it a look.

Oprah's Debt Diet: Step-by-Step Action Plan:

Nothing too revelatory, but helpful in the nurturing Oprah way, with printable worksheets available to work the system.

Additional links:

Nigga Know Technology

2006-07-23T06:54:00.000-05:00

Nigga Know Technology (20060723), originally uploaded by Dramatic. Nigga what?

Nigga Know Technology

I don't know what the fuck to make of this.

Of Love and Friendship

2006-07-16T09:09:00.000-05:00

I was told on several occasions that I would die alone. I have never had any lasting relationships.

I know I can keep a woman and I am a good friend. I seem likable enough, even I'd like me. I mean I do. Most people come into my life and tell me what an inspiration I am to them, then one day, as quickly as they came, they are gone. I had been in a rut for just a month shy of two years, the worst period my life.

During that time I found friends. People who I could actually see myself exploring the mysteries of the world with, writing new pages in history and making a way — a better way. So few remain. One only just realized what I was going through. Towards the end, I had to separate myself. The person that I am will not allow anyone to share my pain. I am learning to share a little. I started this blog so I wouldn't internalize everything and wouldn't have to tell the people closest to me what I was really feeling, at least not about myself.

Anyway, so many of you who are no longer here have helped me cope and get to where I am, right now. But where are you? You shared and relieved the pain, shouldn't you share some of my joy? Or at the very least, be there with me to witness it? I mean, you told me everything would be alright, that things would get better and when I was hurting most that I wasn't a loser.

I am making new friends now, most of which will probably not be there if I ever fall again. Will you? Or have we come to our end? And you... You said you loved me. I would have thought that that, at least, would have meant a lasting friendship. I realize now that you deleted me, not just from a "friends list," but from everything. I don't get the IMs anymore, no Odeos, email or calls. When I try to make contact, I never get a response. It's not just so I can tell you how well I am doing or how I am adjusting. I want to know what is new in your sphere too. How are you? The kids? How is work? How are your plans coming along? Since the last time we spoke, do you still see yourself where you did in five years?

It seems that nothing lasts forever anymore. Not friendship, not love... It doesn't even hurt anymore. So I propose a toast. A toast to dated relationships and the expiry of friendship.

I am thankful Mickey is still around. I don't know where I'd be without her. Maybe some day she will be gone to. In the meantime, I will keep her and cherish her. My friend, Mickey. Don't worry, I am aware of the others of you who are still with me... Alanna, Janelle... LOL, since I know you two will probably comment.

If I am correct one of my friends has her "eye" on me. I wanted to say I am watching you watch me.

By the way, I know I am not the best at keeping in touch, but I have been trying. It's a two way street. I would definitely need your help on this one, because I can't do it alone.

This Week

2006-07-10T02:04:00.000-05:00

This week I enter some old new territory. I have a so much in mind. I have so much I want to do. My plans for the week include these articles and blog posts or at least the ideas behind them:

I believe in the pay yourself first maxim and I have always practiced it as much as my circumstances would allow. This week I start working for myself first, again. I have been known to meet all my challenges and complete all of my goals. Here is where I start working towards my incomplete goals. This is where I start building myself again.

Mickey is leaving this afternoon. Which reminds me I have some pics to post of her from our little walk yesterday. I know she will not take this very kindly, but her leaving leaves me with some much needed time for myself.

I have been feeling stretched in so many directions. I am trying to adjust to work, to getting back to normal with my son (doing things like we used to), and to taking care of myself. I have been so overwhelmed with the good things and all the bad I have to fix. I got so many people coming at me, wanting to mess with me, some of them didn't have time for me when I was working. I am officially paying rent and bills and WOW. These few things give me pleasure. I learned that if you take care of what you have to first you will almost always have for what you want later.

Panama is Missing

2006-07-05T17:53:00.000-05:00

Panama is Missing, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

Due to the tragic events of this mornings meteor shower, the isthmus once known as Panama is gone. It is now just the widened Panama Canal. Panama has given the world such greats as Manuel Noriega, Jahair Navaro, and Mickey.

My best friend, Mickey, is leaving me on Monday to visit Panama. I will miss her much over the next 2 weeks.

Ha!

2006-07-03T01:19:00.000-05:00

I haven’t tracked my weight, oh… I’d say, since my last entry under this thing. Recently my eating habit has changed. My diet consists primarily of liquids. Additionally, I am hovering around little to no appetite. I will post my findings by the end of the week. I may have to start the whole weight loss thing from the very beginning by losing say 5 lbs, then working up to ten. In actuallity I think I may have gained some weight. All I know for sure is that I am not at the weight I wanted to be by this time.

See more progress on: Lose 10 pounds

Hmmm!

2006-07-03T01:11:00.000-05:00

I has been a minute but things are finally starting to shape up.

See more progress on: Be reborn into the sunshine

Spiderman 3

2006-07-02T16:58:00.000-05:00

Spiderman 3, originally uploaded by Dramatic. I saw one of the Goblins, the Sandman, the symbiote, Flash Thompson and Felicia Hardy in this trailer.

I so can't wait for this to come out.

Superman Returns

2006-07-02T16:56:00.000-05:00

Superman Returns, originally uploaded by Dramatic. If compare to the Chris Reeves movies, this was far better. It was brought to my attention that I shouldn't do that. They were great during their day. It is a different time and technology has improved.

To the Class of 2006

2006-06-27T20:35:00.000-05:00

Jeanne & Darrell, originally uploaded by Dramatic. They have known each other since elementary school and here they are graduating together.

Congratulations to Alex, BB, Celine, Cyre, Darrell, Dooney, J'licia, Kevin, Mica, Olivia, Pamela (even though you dipped out on me today), Tyasia and anyone else I may have forgotten to mention. I am proud of all of you and wish you all the best.

What I am up to...

2006-06-14T19:54:00.000-05:00

MTS WIP 061006, originally uploaded by Dramatic. MTS Corp is working hard to deliver the high level visual experience.

MP4Prez (20060613), originally uploaded by Dramatic. The never completed MP4Prez. You can see where I was going with it, my focus is generally on clean, simple, lean design and markup.

Well I have been working now for about two weeks. It still isn't official. I don't know the results of the background check but they do want me to take some additional test, namely Photoshop and CorelDraw. I am also going to take the Illustrator test in case I find myself moving in another direction.

As for the screencaptures above, I was recently contacted by James. He wants us all to get together and do something we will be remembered for. I am down, with the condition that I learn and things aren't happening in the background so I can keep up.

I started sketching what will become my own site. I am going to keep it extremely simple visually. In fact my focus is on semantic, clean, lean code. I want to be able to make the multiple iterations I know I will need to get it where I want it to be relatively painless.

MTS and I will work on some parts of my site together, but we will do it my way. I am reaching for a complete separation of markup, presentation and later, as we add it, behavior.

I also still have the redesign of this blog and maybe the others pending. You can track my progress at Web Design, where I will keep all my screen captures of projects I have never finished or that I am working on and also some of the interesting things that are going on over at MTS, or you can come back here where I will be detailing my experiences.

Here's to progress!

End of work week

2006-06-10T00:42:00.000-05:00

I just got home. I am famished. I loved being back at work. I was a little overwhelmed though. The hours I was training were just a little awkward for me. I am going to have to get used to the hours I will be working too. I started getting used to waking up in the morning. I am worn out. I am going to miss the company car home. I will be taking it to work from now on and the train home after my long shift. I will probably be all giddy in the morning when I get off.

I can't wait to sit on the river in the morning. The view is beautiful.

Not Funny

2006-06-10T00:31:00.000-05:00

Well, this is for everyone and not no one specific, but take it how you want. Things that are funny to me may not necessarily be funny to you and I acknowledge that, but do not try to bring me down.

So many things are rushed this week…

2006-06-09T01:36:00.000-05:00

I didn't even finish my preceding post. Philip Lyn was like an uncle to me. He is actually my sister's blood uncle and I grew up around him and my sister's family.

This is one of those weeks where I truly wish there were more hours in a day. I need some more sleep. I have some stuff to do that I haven't gotten to. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be back at work — no matter for how long. My balance is just thrown off. I don't think it would be so hard if training wasn't in the middle of the day.

I get in about midnight and if I go right to bed I am missing a whole other part of my life. I have family and friends trying to call me. Old friends are trying to reconnect with me. I am trying to learn stuff outside of what I am learning in training, where I am quite overwhelmed.

Today, I got my permanent ID. I was with Mickey who seemed to throw a hissy fit because I couldn't find the ID place. I work in a huge building with 4 "Towers" and I haven't had the opportunity to explore yet. I might have more time if I cut some things out — like my social life, which before recently I had little or no use for. So what is it, I know I have posed the question many times before… probably in different ways, but how should I make room in my life. I can cut out the people I care about, which at the moment are my biggest headache and source of stress or I can cut out activities I feel are important to my development.

R.I.P. Philip Lyn

2006-06-07T13:06:00.000-05:00

A member of my extended family passed away yesterday morning. To his immediate family and children I offer my condolences. He is no longer suffering and I am sure he's in a better place.

Post Interview Update

2006-06-07T12:55:00.000-05:00

Given my previous post, I ended unsure of my fate. They are more confident that I will be allowed to keep the job. I am a little more at ease. I am just going to keep the wait and see attitude until the final results are in. I still have to take the drug test which I haven't had the opportunity to do this week. I am sure I'll pass it.

I was supposed to get my permanent ID today. I don't feel much like traveling tho, with the weather and all. I have to run around just to get an umbrella.

I think I will rest my eyes before I go out into the cold world.

Related: Post Interview